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BlackHawk
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Dear Alcohol:
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, & you're even around in the
holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering
about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my
best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some
unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/ girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball & some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:

Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are
beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45
seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore:

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I
know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker
of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money
in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that
you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately.
I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy
hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this
fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
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Eru Iluvatar
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:congrats: :congrats: :congrats: :congrats: :congrats: :congrats: :congrats:
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BlackHawk
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I can't claim credit, it was an email I recived
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Eru Iluvatar
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(Original post by sublime_envy)
I can't claim credit, it was an email I recived
Does that mean someone thinks your alcohol, if there sending letters adressed to it, to you?
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BlackHawk
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(Original post by Iluvatar)
Does that mean someone thinks your alcohol, if there sending letters adressed to it, to you?
hmm perhaps. I am seemingly full of it on most nights
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(Original post by sublime_envy)
hmm perhaps. I am seemingly full of it on most nights
.... Or is your name just alcohol, and that was just a rather wierd love letter or something?
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BlackHawk
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(Original post by Iluvatar)
.... Or is your name just alcohol, and that was just a rather wierd love letter or something?
darn it, you found me out. I like the kinkyness of having fans and whatnot
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(Original post by sublime_envy)
darn it, you found me out. I like the kinkyness of having fans and whatnot
Its a wierd name, thats for sure. Was one of your parents an alcoholic then, if they named you that?
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BlackHawk
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surprisingly no. I think it had something to do with me being found in a gutter when I was a wee bairn my first mate was a drunk homeless guy
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(Original post by sublime_envy)
surprisingly no. I think it had something to do with me being found in a gutter when I was a wee bairn my first mate was a drunk homeless guy
Oh, right. That makes sense then.
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M-J
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there is a bernaked ladies song about alcohol....


Alcohol, my permanent accessory
Alcohol, a party-time necessity
Alchool, alternative to feeling like yourself
O Alcohol, I still drink to your health

I love you more than I did the week before
I discovered alcohol

Forget the caffe latte,
screw the raspberry iced tea
A Malibu and Coke for you, a G&T for me
Alcohol, Your songs resolve like
my life never will
When someone else is picking up the bill

I love you more than I did the week before
I discovered alcohol
O Alcohol, would you please forgive me?
For while I cannot love myself
I'll use something else

I thought that Alcohol was just for those with
nothing else to do
I thought that drinking just to get drunk
was a waste of precious booze
But now I know that there's a time
and there's a place where I can choose
To walk the fine line between
self-control and self-abuse

I love you more than I did the week before
I discovered alcohol
Would you please ignore that you
found me on the floor
Trying on your camisole?
O Alcohol, would you please forgive me?
For while I cannot love myself
I'll use something else

Would you please forgive me?
Would you please forgive me?

I love tht song
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