want to break up with my boyfriend but i'm too ****ed up to be with anyone else

my good looks are the only thing i have going for me (and even that is kinda ruined now - thanks to a pretty visible scar on my face, after one of our drunken fight). so yeah, good enough for one night stands but i'm no relationship material. i have crippling depression, anxiety, ptsd, you name it. can't go 2 days without xanax. i have a prescription, but to most people it just looks like straight up addiction. no one could ever understand my obsession with being skinny, i cant even touch food with my bare hands because it disgusts me.
who tf wouldnt run away after learning all this? how would i even tell anyone, how do you even start a conversation like that, at what point? even if i like someone, i ditch them as soon as they try to get to know my personality better. it's like a panic thing, i guess.

I know u feel exhausted. I'm in similar shoes. But my life experience tells me that it is better to be single and suffer from being lonely rather than being in a bad relationship - the later you break up, the more cost u will pay for it. If you feel it is too difficult to break up with him, just breaking up with him by texting - I know this is not nice, but it's better than not being able to do it.

my good looks are the only thing i have going for me (and even that is kinda ruined now - thanks to a pretty visible scar on my face, after one of our drunken fight). so yeah, good enough for one night stands but i'm no relationship material. i have crippling depression, anxiety, ptsd, you name it. can't go 2 days without xanax. i have a prescription, but to most people it just looks like straight up addiction. no one could ever understand my obsession with being skinny, i cant even touch food with my bare hands because it disgusts me.
who tf wouldnt run away after learning all this? how would i even tell anyone, how do you even start a conversation like that, at what point? even if i like someone, i ditch them as soon as they try to get to know my personality better. it's like a panic thing, i guess.

I'm sorry to hear that ☹️ it sounds like your partner may be abusive? Not sure, but if that's the case please do get the authorities involved.
From what you've said, it looks like your struggles are more internal than external. While it might be good for you to cut off your partner, you need to focus on your recovery. Do you have anyone who can support you with your Xanax addiction? Maybe you could apply for therapy. It seems like you need professional help. I think you might also be struggling with an ED, which could be a major reason for your feelings of depression and anxiety. As someone who has struggled with a minor ED, I've noticed that once I start eating 3 healthy meals a day and get some sunlight and exercise, it is easier to manage my anxiety (I've been in therapy for my anxiety twice without much help, this is the only thing that helped me pull myself out of the pit). I know it's easier said than done, but it is important for you to put some healthy structures in place. Maybe take a break from your partner, go no contact, work on yourself and make this decision.
If this is someone who has supported you through tough times, they might also be feeling burnt out from having to take care of you regularly. That could be the reason your relationship is feeling very stale.
I also wanted to say, scars heal. Scars don't make or break your face. Your beauty comes from the inside ❤️ I hope you get the professional help you need !

i have a problem like that i am really insure of a lot of me and i have a lot of phobias too but i dont think that should stop me or you from doing something like this so if you want my advice your looks aren't everything and if someone loves you it should be for you as a person

well, that's the problem. they aren't everything if you want more than a one night stand. which is why i don't think i could ever be with anyone else. i cant imagine talking to any potential future partners about my problems. bc like at what stage are you even supposed to tell them...

And that's probably a huge reason I see you post here after almost ten years of being here about the exact same subject as ten years ago. You're not allowing yourself the vulnerability to grow.

i don't understand what you mean. i've tried everything, and my life's only gotten progressively worse

It sounds like you have what's called an 'avoidant attachment style' in relation to the panic when people get to know you. It also sounds like you should seek help for an eating disorder - I know it's easier said than done. I personally think you are placing too much emphasis on things, yes what you are saying will likely put many people off, but those people are not people you want or need in your life. I'm not saying you will find someone that accepts you because truth is that's a promise no one can make, but there are definitely people out there that would look past such things providing someone was willing to get help - I know because I am one.

That's exactly what I am trying to figure out.
At a new work place I do an introduction speech when I tell about my problems and how to deal with it and it seems to work fine. I mean people in the office deal much better with my anxiety compared to the time I didn't make the introduction (during university years). However, when meeting new people for dates I don't know when exactly is the time to say. I plan saying right at the beginning of state but get too nervous to tell. They do notice I am nervous but it is very mild to what it looks in an anxiety attack.
I do have other medical conditions which are much easier for me to talk about and they are much less disturbing and I feel much less that it is my fault I have them so the main problem is the anxiety.
I guess you can talk to your boyfriend about adding a relationship to your exiting one. Do you think he is poly friendly? I mean you need his support, you clearly don't work as a couple (I've noticed that in some of your posts and comments), why not compromising and still have his support while looking for a better relationship elsewhere without hurting him. That way maybe in the longer run he will be better not having to deal with you alone and you will be better having a better relationship. Have you thought about this?
I'm not pushing polyamory but in this case it might be a good step... Maybe just call it a temporary open relationship if you wish.
I think that way you will be less 'afraid' to open up to your new potential partner.
Speak with me. I'm here for you if you want to talk.

my good looks are the only thing i have going for me (and even that is kinda ruined now - thanks to a pretty visible scar on my face, after one of our drunken fight). so yeah, good enough for one night stands but i'm no relationship material. i have crippling depression, anxiety, ptsd, you name it. can't go 2 days without xanax. i have a prescription, but to most people it just looks like straight up addiction. no one could ever understand my obsession with being skinny, i cant even touch food with my bare hands because it disgusts me.
who tf wouldnt run away after learning all this? how would i even tell anyone, how do you even start a conversation like that, at what point? even if i like someone, i ditch them as soon as they try to get to know my personality better. it's like a panic thing, i guess.

This is me, Anon by mistake

Have you thought of getting some therapy ?. Infact I found a great therapist for someone I know, they are private (Not NHS unfortunately) but only (I say only but as far a usual goes it is cheap) £70 hr. It may be that you can make good progress in a few sessions. They are a mixture of Hypnosis and other techniques, and a very nice lady.

Don’t think there is a living creature in the world other than him that would put up with you tbh, you’d be mad to leave him.

my good looks are the only thing i have going for me (and even that is kinda ruined now - thanks to a pretty visible scar on my face, after one of our drunken fight). so yeah, good enough for one night stands but i'm no relationship material. i have crippling depression, anxiety, ptsd, you name it. can't go 2 days without xanax. i have a prescription, but to most people it just looks like straight up addiction. no one could ever understand my obsession with being skinny, i cant even touch food with my bare hands because it disgusts me.
who tf wouldnt run away after learning all this? how would i even tell anyone, how do you even start a conversation like that, at what point? even if i like someone, i ditch them as soon as they try to get to know my personality better. it's like a panic thing, i guess.

You need to know some go for the looks and some go for someone who ready to open up and be honest. You should give others chance to get to know you and if they don’t stay , you move on with life . You’re in your prime so I’ll rather tell you to give it some shots and you might be lucky to find a perfect one. Also you opened up here and I saw no issues with someone like you, Everyone has crazy flaws so just deal with it and you’ll be okay

it's confusing isn't it? i mean, telling them at the start would probably be easier, in theory, but so awkward at the same time. i don't think i could do that. trauma-dumping isn't really my thing, lol. if someone did that to me id probably run tbh.
but yeah, i'm sure some people can see the signs though. of anxiety etc. like even with benzos, some people can easily tell
i'd love that. a poly relationship i mean. i actually asked him about it a couple years ago. but he finds the whole concept disgusting, unfortunately.