i loved this!! ideas are very relatable
thoughts: what i loved was the way that you immediately went from the imagery of “panic” (with focus on the bodily responses everyone has) to nature “earth… refuses to swallow you whole” and continued the nature idea into the next stanza. i think the juxtaposition of the two ideas — “blood and sweat and light” with “beads of rain from the heavens” really showcases the difficulty of the human experience + creates sympathy
liked the style and the vocabulary EXCEPT for one thing: use of the word “nought” where I think “nothing” would do and is synonymous. maybe you like it for the plosive effect of nought + but — but I’d argue that “nothing” which sounds softer and emptier would work better with your ideas.
i like the first stanza and i think the words “vodka cokes and male indifference” were great. however, it didn’t feel like they set the tone of the poem accurately. it’s a good way to grab attention — definitely drew mine — but conflictingly, i’d also suggest getting rid of it so the poem could work better as a whole and progress with each stanza? i know the temptation to introduce people to the topic of your poem is hard to resist, but i think without it the poem would feel far more immediate — the experiences the poetic voice is talking about would feel closer and they would be given the opportunity to encapsulate the reader more. perhaps change the second stanza slightly if it’s the new first. just a thought though and it may not work with the vision you have for YOUR poem so pls take with a grain of salt!!
loved LOADS of the phrases, here are the ones that stood out to me:
“vodka cokes and male indifference”
“saline panic rising in your throat”
“but the earth is crueller / for it refuses to swallow you whole, to
open up some abyss into which you can hurl yourself /and fall /forever - eyes shut, cradling your knees - / you are already falling anyway, it would make no difference”
“past the canopy of green crowns and through the thick of the forest”
“and we slide from one leaf to another / from one lover to the next / a gentle cascade that keeps us afloat”
“and soon someone will hold you so tightly that / your joints click back into place with a familiar rhythm”
“they will press your body into theirs so deeply / that their sweat seeps into you and strips away at your skin,”
“as an oak knows its age by its ribcage of dark rings”
“so when it comes
shrug the dust jacket”
“once jade, now jaded”
overall i love your poetry + the way you use imagery. do you write often and how old are you?? i feel like you’d have a chance at winning competitions if you entered