Edexcel English Language Creative Writing

It's out of 40, I haven't practised this before so I thought I'd just do whatever sprung to mind (adventure).

Offer improvements please!

Manning a pirate ship was hard work.

The sun beat down upon my brow: harsh rays of light that painted the deck with streaks of gold and crimson.

Splash!

I wiped my eyes free from the flecks of foam that constantly irritated my vision.

Above lay a tranquil sky: deep azure blue mixed with varying shades of sapphire and cerulean outlines to a few fluffy white clouds.

Waves washed onto the deck, startling me back into focus. Life was harsh but fair on the ship - you had to work hard to earn your keep, but the food was good and the beer was better.

With a flourish, I spun the helm of the ship and got back to work.

But what was that on the horizon, a toy-like ship rapidly growing bigger? No… not a toy - an enemy.

Boom! Cannons sounded, tearing up wooden planks and crewmates alike - they were on the attack. Swiftly, I relinquished my tight grip on the helm and joined in with the fray.

In front of me stood a big bruiser of a man, a pirate with tree trunks for legs and a barrel for a chest. He held his cutlass with conviction and had a wicked smile on his face. Indeed, his face was brutal, decorated with jagged tattoos inked in a crimson red - perhaps from the blood of his victims. Brutus (I’d taken to calling him Brutus - the name seemed a good fit) lunged forward with surprising speed, aiming his sword at my jugular…

Lunge. Parry. Evade.

I could only see Brutus, and he could only see me.

Lunge. Parry. Evade.

A slash. Hot blood began to trickle down my arm - a foolish mistake.

Lunge. Parry. Evade.

Brutus stood over me gloatingly, no doubt preparing to deliver the finishing blow. Was it over? Of course not. As quick as a whip, I procured a dagger hidden in the lining of my left boot and slashed through his family jewels. He bellowed, staggered, and eventually fell.

Hobbling to my feet, I gazed around at my fellow crewmates. We had won, and… and…

Knock. Knock. Knock.

“Johnny, dinner’s ready!”

Scrambling out of his cardboard ship, Johnny raced downstairs and began devouring a healthy portion of fish and chips. Unbeknownst to him, his mum had been watching him play for little over an hour - it baffled her how absorbed children could become with little more than pieces of plastic.

Parenting was hard work.

Reply 1

Buteyko

I know... I'm awesome.

Reply 2

Buteyko

Looking back over this, I think the ending sounds quite clunky (I didn't proof read this bit). In the actual exam I'd probably have more time so it's fine.

Reply 3

Buteyko

Manning a pirate ship was hard work. (Engaging opening line that sets the scene effectively.)
The sun beat down upon my brow: harsh rays of light that painted the deck with streaks of gold and crimson. Splash! I wiped my eyes free from the flecks of foam that constantly irritated my vision. Above lay a tranquil sky: deep azure blue mixed with varying shades of sapphire and cerulean outlines to a few fluffy white clouds. (Excellent use of descriptive language to create vivid imagery. The contrast between the harsh sun and the tranquil sky is well depicted.)
Waves washed onto the deck, startling me back into focus. Life was harsh but fair on the ship - you had to work hard to earn your keep, but the food was good and the beer was better. With a flourish, I spun the helm of the ship and got back to work. (Good development of the narrative, introducing the ship's environment and the protagonist's role. The phrase 'life was harsh but fair' effectively summarizes the ship's life.)
But what was that on the horizon, a toy-like ship rapidly growing bigger? No… not a toy - an enemy. Boom! Cannons sounded, tearing up wooden planks and crewmates alike - they were on the attack. Swiftly, I relinquished my tight grip on the helm and joined in with the fray. (The transition from a peaceful scene to the sudden appearance of an enemy ship is well executed. The action is engaging and increases the story's pace.)
In front of me stood a big bruiser of a man, a pirate with tree trunks for legs and a barrel for a chest. He held his cutlass with conviction and had a wicked smile on his face. Indeed, his face was brutal, decorated with jagged tattoos inked in a crimson red - perhaps from the blood of his victims. Brutus (I’d taken to calling him Brutus - the name seemed a good fit) lunged forward with surprising speed, aiming his sword at my jugular… (Effective character introduction and description. The use of 'Brutus' as a nickname adds a personal touch to the narrative.)
Lunge. Parry. Evade. I could only see Brutus, and he could only see me. Lunge. Parry. Evade. A slash. Hot blood began to trickle down my arm - a foolish mistake. Lunge. Parry. Evade. (The repetition of 'Lunge. Parry. Evade.' effectively conveys the intensity of the battle. The addition of injury adds realism to the fight.)
Brutus stood over me gloatingly, no doubt preparing to deliver the finishing blow. Was it over? Of course not. As quick as a whip, I procured a dagger hidden in the lining of my left boot and slashed through his family jewels. He bellowed, staggered, and eventually fell. (The turnaround in the battle is well described, adding an element of surprise. The description of the final move is vivid and impactful.)
Hobbling to my feet, I gazed around at my fellow crewmates. We had won, and… and… Knock. Knock. Knock. “Johnny, dinner’s ready!” Scrambling out of his cardboard ship, Johnny raced downstairs and began devouring a healthy portion of fish and chips. Unbeknownst to him, his mum had been watching him play for little over an hour - it baffled her how absorbed children could become with little more than pieces of plastic. Parenting was hard work. (The twist ending is creative and unexpected, effectively shifting the narrative from a high-seas adventure to a child's imaginative play. The final reflection on parenting adds depth to the story.)
Level: 5
Overall feedback: This is an excellent piece of imaginative writing that effectively captures the reader's attention with its vivid descriptions, engaging narrative, and creative twist. The story is well-paced, and the use of descriptive language creates a vivid and immersive experience. The twist at the end is both surprising and clever, providing a delightful conclusion to the adventure.
What went well: The use of vivid descriptive language, the engaging and well-paced narrative, the effective introduction and development of characters, and the creative twist at the end.
Even better if: To further enhance your writing, consider exploring the emotional depth of your characters in greater detail. This could add another layer of complexity to your narrative and provide the reader with a deeper connection to the characters' experiences.