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Cliche, I know

Just come out of my first relationship which was 3 years long. I was the one that was broken up with, and have been okay for the most part- doing the things I was going to do, seeing and speaking to friends, not just crying all the time.
The reason was 'I just wasn't happy in the relationship anymore' which I completely respect, and to be honest I was in denial that I was truly happy as well, because we'd been growing apart for a little while. However, since I've never done this before, I'm not really sure how to go about getting over it properly. I've got really supportive friends and family and me and my ex had completely separate lives to each other so I have a good foundation which I'm really glad about, however, I keep thinking about all the good and bad parts, and wondering how I'm supposed to fully move on because this is all I've known for my entire adult life so far lol. I know it will get easier with time, but that's hard to believe at this moment in time when it's still so raw.
I don't think I'm allowing myself to feel all the emotions I want to feel for fear of being judged, and also confused about how I'm actually supposed to feel, since I am so conflicted about it all.

I've got uni work I really need to be doing (more than I've ever had to do at once which I had told my ex before we broke up so personally I think they could have waited a month or so lol /hj) and have no motivation whatsoever to do any of it. Partly because of this and partly because I was burnt out even before we broke up so there's just an added layer of overwhelmingness.
I guess I came here because there's only so much talking you can do to the people around you before you start to sound like a broken record, plus most of the people in my life haven't been in my situation before as they've never been in a relationship or are currently in their first one. Advice or just to chat would be appreciated, thanks.
Original post by Anonymous
Just come out of my first relationship which was 3 years long. I was the one that was broken up with, and have been okay for the most part- doing the things I was going to do, seeing and speaking to friends, not just crying all the time.
The reason was 'I just wasn't happy in the relationship anymore' which I completely respect, and to be honest I was in denial that I was truly happy as well, because we'd been growing apart for a little while. However, since I've never done this before, I'm not really sure how to go about getting over it properly. I've got really supportive friends and family and me and my ex had completely separate lives to each other so I have a good foundation which I'm really glad about, however, I keep thinking about all the good and bad parts, and wondering how I'm supposed to fully move on because this is all I've known for my entire adult life so far lol. I know it will get easier with time, but that's hard to believe at this moment in time when it's still so raw.
I don't think I'm allowing myself to feel all the emotions I want to feel for fear of being judged, and also confused about how I'm actually supposed to feel, since I am so conflicted about it all.
I've got uni work I really need to be doing (more than I've ever had to do at once which I had told my ex before we broke up so personally I think they could have waited a month or so lol /hj) and have no motivation whatsoever to do any of it. Partly because of this and partly because I was burnt out even before we broke up so there's just an added layer of overwhelmingness.
I guess I came here because there's only so much talking you can do to the people around you before you start to sound like a broken record, plus most of the people in my life haven't been in my situation before as they've never been in a relationship or are currently in their first one. Advice or just to chat would be appreciated, thanks.

hey! it must have been really hard to type out this message, so well done for being brave enough to ask for support/advice.

may i ask who is going to judge you for feeling these emotions? if its yourself thats going to judge you I wonder if you're saying these things because you think you should feel like your life is over now that this break up has happened. when i ended my first relationship, i was prepared for me to feel so gut-wrenchingly sad like they did in the movies or in books when really, I was on the most part, fine. I felt more guilty for ending the relationship, but we have to seperate the action of breaking up from the feeling of the other person.

the annoying this is, uni doesn't give out time off for break ups even though you are grieving the loss of a loved one. At the moment, you've just got to give it your all. This is all about you now. Have cute study dates with friends and when you do take breaks, take proper breaks that actually feed your soul. have early nights. spend your time wisely.
(I would also say that your ex did the right to thing to break up as soon as they'd figured out it was over even though you had deadlines because otherwise it would have been a month of one-sidedness and upset)

im really sorry that you are struggling at the moment. but, as you said, time heals all wounds. there's always going to be a scar, but its better to remember the love you had than never to think of them again.
Reply 2
Thanks for your reply, it’s nice to get a fresh perspective, plus it’s easier to be completely honest with strangers haha.
I guess I am the one that’s judging myself and projecting that onto everyone else. I’ve always been pretty harsh on myself and struggle to show myself love when I need to. All my friends have said they’d never judge me over something like this, and of course I wouldn’t judge any of them if they were in this position. I’m just in a bit of a rut emotionally lol.

And of course I know really it’s better we sorted it out asap, however, my ex had been distancing themself for quite a while (we were long distance whilst at uni) as they didn’t want to break up over the phone. Which i totally get but because of the long distance I just assumed it was something we would sort out in person, without knowing it was basically over already.

Thanks for the advice, I’ll try to look after myself and not let it affect my work. I hope you’re having a good day :smile:
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks for your reply, it’s nice to get a fresh perspective, plus it’s easier to be completely honest with strangers haha.
I guess I am the one that’s judging myself and projecting that onto everyone else. I’ve always been pretty harsh on myself and struggle to show myself love when I need to. All my friends have said they’d never judge me over something like this, and of course I wouldn’t judge any of them if they were in this position. I’m just in a bit of a rut emotionally lol.
And of course I know really it’s better we sorted it out asap, however, my ex had been distancing themself for quite a while (we were long distance whilst at uni) as they didn’t want to break up over the phone. Which i totally get but because of the long distance I just assumed it was something we would sort out in person, without knowing it was basically over already.
Thanks for the advice, I’ll try to look after myself and not let it affect my work. I hope you’re having a good day :smile:

That distance must have put such a big strain on the relationship. I'm really sorry that you thought it was something that you were both going to sort out that must have been a real shock.

Do you think that there's a part of you that is still in shock and hasn't actually fully processed it? Maybe as you were long distance (+ your ex's bigger distancing) that your brain has not fully computed that its over?
Reply 4
Original post by Anonymous
That distance must have put such a big strain on the relationship. I'm really sorry that you thought it was something that you were both going to sort out that must have been a real shock.
Do you think that there's a part of you that is still in shock and hasn't actually fully processed it? Maybe as you were long distance (+ your ex's bigger distancing) that your brain has not fully computed that its over?

The long distance was okay for the most part, we managed pretty well with it last year during first year and even though it was hard we were both just glad we’d done what we wanted to do and not what the other one wanted to do. Especially now it hasn’t worked out haha would be awks if we were at the same uni

There’s the potential that I haven’t fully processed it, that’s a good shout. Particularly right after, I partially convinced myself that we would just sort it out after talking or that we would change it to being on a break rather than broken up. But I know deep down that it was the right decision for both of us, one of us just needed to bite the bullet. For 2 and a half years our relationship was basically nothing but pure magic (we never really argued or had many issues etc) and I think that’s the hard part to get over and why I was so reluctant to let it go even though I was pretty unhappy for the last couple of months as well. It’s almost like I’ve regressed in terms of being ready for a relationship- all the anxieties that I had in the first few months came back and I couldn’t really cope with being around their family and friends without feeling anxious and judged so that was a recipe for disaster anyway

I went out clubbing last night and got pretty drunk and didn’t even cry or message them like I thought I would so maybe I’m more over it than I thought lol.

Sorry for ranting and thanks for engaging :smile:
Original post by Anonymous
The long distance was okay for the most part, we managed pretty well with it last year during first year and even though it was hard we were both just glad we’d done what we wanted to do and not what the other one wanted to do. Especially now it hasn’t worked out haha would be awks if we were at the same uni
There’s the potential that I haven’t fully processed it, that’s a good shout. Particularly right after, I partially convinced myself that we would just sort it out after talking or that we would change it to being on a break rather than broken up. But I know deep down that it was the right decision for both of us, one of us just needed to bite the bullet. For 2 and a half years our relationship was basically nothing but pure magic (we never really argued or had many issues etc) and I think that’s the hard part to get over and why I was so reluctant to let it go even though I was pretty unhappy for the last couple of months as well. It’s almost like I’ve regressed in terms of being ready for a relationship- all the anxieties that I had in the first few months came back and I couldn’t really cope with being around their family and friends without feeling anxious and judged so that was a recipe for disaster anyway
I went out clubbing last night and got pretty drunk and didn’t even cry or message them like I thought I would so maybe I’m more over it than I thought lol.
Sorry for ranting and thanks for engaging :smile:

im acc so impressed you didn't cry or message them last night - well done!! pahahaha

and no worries at all, it sounds like you've got a good head on you. make sure you stay true to yourself and find things and people that you love while healing. some things aren't meant to last forever, and that magic is something that you can look back on fondly (of course, from a distance, and while realising you both have made the right decision)

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