I am currently in a situation and I need some help, my mental health has taken an absolute beating over the last few days and I can't process everything.
Let me start by saying I have been married for 5 years, and the relationship is rocky, when I say rocky I think it is over, we have just grown apart massively and I do not think there is any way back.
About 4 years ago I sent a message to an old co worker to see how she was doing and it escalated from there, in the 4 years since then I have fallen in love with my soul mate, she is the female version of me, we click in every single way and the connection is wild. She lives 3 hours away from me so seeing each other is limited due to my work and her uni etc but it has never been an issue because we always have a next visit booked, like we have one booked for June etc and we've talked about holidays next year.
She is currently on a 3 year midwife course that she started this year which takes a lot of energy and time due to placements and look ass uni days, we have had our ups and downs ofc we have but we have always always got through it and we have never doubted our love for each other.
She has a BF who is a complete ******, she has told me that she does not want to be with him in any shape of form, she can't stand him, that being said she thinks he is going to propose to her which she is dreading. She has told me that she does not want to say yes but she may have to - her reason for that is that if she says no she will get a sh*t load of questions from her family and his and it will just completely mess up her head and risk her uni studies etc
Over the weekend she has been away with her kid at haven holiday camp and has barely been able to message me as there's no signal and about 30 members of his family around her so it's been tough, so how have i reacted to that... i've had a complete and utter emotional and physical breakdown, I had a panic attack saturday, I've not eaten in 4 days and I have gone into what I like to call "are you sure mode"
Over the weekend I have asked her , "do you love him" No, "do you want to be with me forever" Yes, "do you think we will work forever" yes and so on so on.
Last night she told me that at the moment she is brain fried, she has so much going on and her head is melting, I got the following message which I have read around 4 billion times
"we are fine okay?, yes my head has been all over the place with uni, half term and this stupid holiday thing tomorrow etc. I dont mean to make you feel unwanted. That is the last thing I ever want to do. I want to be with you!!!, of course i do. It has thrown me off with this proposal thing, knowing its going to happen soon and my heads all over the place with it. I never thought it would happen so I am coming to terms with the fact i going to have to say yes and I know that is going to hurt you,I dont want to be like this , confused about everything (not confused about loving you, i am never confused about that) just everything is happening at once. I dont do change, i dont do surprises and theres a lot of them happening rn"
I feel like an absolute idiot, on the one hand she is declaring her love for me and telling me that she wants to be with me forever, on the other hand she is telling me that I need to wait until after her uni is finished because she needs to focus on that (which i really understand) - that is 3 years away though and I worry that we grow apart or she settles for the BF because its just easy.... We spend most nights on the phone together until one of us sleeps, we send numerous video updates, voice notes, pictures etc etc, when I drive to work we call and chat (that is an hour each way), she will always message in the morning with the good mornings and good nights, but then if I don't get a text I over analyse and go a bit anxious, same with kisses on the ends of message, I guess I over think a lot and that is not attractive to anyone. I do plan to chat with her next time I see her to express my feelings and tell her that I am ready now, I can support her and make sure the changes to her life are minimal - I just need her to get rid of him from the house (she has kicked him out before but hes a manipulative scumbag and has got back in)
What do I do here, I can't handle this stress permanently, I want to be strong and supportive for her (like the version of me she feel for) but I am a vulnerable horrible mess. Thank you and welcome to my life
So we had a massive long chat last night, and she told me "I do not want to be with him and I want to leave him, when I leave I have such a good relationship with his family that it will hurt and I am scared of losing them" She wants to complete uni and be together and I can respect that and wait because midwife courses are hard, but man I am impatient.