The Student Room Group

Is it time to go on a break or end it...

Me and my bf both 23 and have been tohegehr 3 and a half years bow. We live together and have a dog.

We have had ups and downs and have got got through but at the moment it's spiraling We are both unhappy. His very down with life has been for just over a year now, I've put up with alot of his mood swings and been understanding of his depression ect. But its just getting worse, his negative aboit everything hates life doesn't want to do much, breaks alot of promises. I've felt lonely at times as his just gone into a world of his own misery. Nothing seems to good enough for him he complains about everything like the weather he will get in a right mood. Whats really making me think about a break lately is we live near my family and I'm very much close to them. I love seeing them. My bf family is not very close they never see each other. My family is all but welcoming but my bf has become just so rude. His never been the best socially. But the last few months when I have my family over his so mad about it despite me saying days before and confirming it with him first. His openly had a strop in front of my dad and hit things in the garden. My dad admitted he wasn't impressed and isn't liking how he is atm. My little siblings stayed over the weekend and my mum didn't pick them up at the agreed time, I mean idm it wasn't set it was roughly set time and we hadnt woken up ny that time. My bf got so annoyed calling me a liar, the first thing he asked when I opened my eyes was when are they leaving, well we just woke up so i dont know need to call my mum and say were up. I'm starting the find him just rude and disrespectful, I get paranoid bringing my family home as he often messages me during the day about how annoyed he is ans how he doesn't have his flat to himself. We pay equal amounts most of the stuff in the flat is mine tbh. We don't have people over often. My friends and family have both said his rude and disrespectful now and I've told him how I feel with how his acting. And his response is that I'm not letting him do what he wants in his own home. All I'm asking is to not get mad in front of family out of respect. Anyways he told me that if a family member comes round on Sunday we are done when the tenancy ends, he doesnt mean this but to say that in thr first place. He tells me there's no compromise with me. Because i let my family come over. They come roune a few times a month maybe. There's no plans for anyone to come over anyway but the comment I find just out of order. His so mad at everything he says he feels like he can't speak to me and say what he wants. What he basically wants is no one to come round and for us to do nothing. Im bored of our life ive asked him so many times to go out with me more plan things. The boy doesn't take me on dates often he says his too tired when we make a plan I'm bored so I go out with my family. Which I done the other day it was a nice day and he didn't want to do anything.

I don't know what to do because I'm getting unhappy but we have such good days. What makes it hard is I work from home and he even gets salty about that and often argues with me on days he has work. He works retail shifts and hates it. I feel stuck as I love him but I hate him. I don't know if to stay at a family members for a bit but that also stresses me out as I need authorisation from work to work elsewhere so I'd have to give a reason.

We also need to decide if we want to renew our tenancy in the next couple weeks and I just don't know.
Wow! you're 23 and have your whole life ahead of you. Why are you taking all this nonsense? this is why BF/GF moving in together is best left till much later or when you're married and you are mature enough to sift out the time wasters or the commitment is such each of you understands what responsibilities as being part of a couple. Your BF seems to not understand anything about having a partner and that you don't just come on your own. You have a birth family that you are also still a part of. It's not your fault he is not close to his family and you are too young to shoulder this problems. His lack of respect for you, your parents and contempt for your family generally does not bode well for the future. Please, please do not have children by the man child! do not get pregnant for him.

Untangle yourself from this mess whilst you can. Hopefully, you haven't merged your finances together? if you have, it's a headache but can be untangled. This is not the man to settle down with or build a future with. Please get rid!
I would say to break up,cause i feel like this relationship is in the depths.He needs to mature and that can only happen with time.If u truly love him you can always take a 2 week break or something and see how he is after the break.If he remained the same then break up with him but if he has made efforts to change and had changed then ig it will be second chance.But if u do break up make sure he is alright like check up on him cause u did say he was depressed.Does he have any friends?
Also the break can hive u and him some space and time.If he really wants this relationship to work and if he loves you he would attempt to change.

Hopefully everyone goes well.Lmk:smile:
Reply 3
Original post by Anonymous
Me and my bf both 23 and have been tohegehr 3 and a half years bow. We live together and have a dog.
We have had ups and downs and have got got through but at the moment it's spiraling We are both unhappy. His very down with life has been for just over a year now, I've put up with alot of his mood swings and been understanding of his depression ect. But its just getting worse, his negative aboit everything hates life doesn't want to do much, breaks alot of promises. I've felt lonely at times as his just gone into a world of his own misery. Nothing seems to good enough for him he complains about everything like the weather he will get in a right mood. Whats really making me think about a break lately is we live near my family and I'm very much close to them. I love seeing them. My bf family is not very close they never see each other. My family is all but welcoming but my bf has become just so rude. His never been the best socially. But the last few months when I have my family over his so mad about it despite me saying days before and confirming it with him first. His openly had a strop in front of my dad and hit things in the garden. My dad admitted he wasn't impressed and isn't liking how he is atm. My little siblings stayed over the weekend and my mum didn't pick them up at the agreed time, I mean idm it wasn't set it was roughly set time and we hadnt woken up ny that time. My bf got so annoyed calling me a liar, the first thing he asked when I opened my eyes was when are they leaving, well we just woke up so i dont know need to call my mum and say were up. I'm starting the find him just rude and disrespectful, I get paranoid bringing my family home as he often messages me during the day about how annoyed he is ans how he doesn't have his flat to himself. We pay equal amounts most of the stuff in the flat is mine tbh. We don't have people over often. My friends and family have both said his rude and disrespectful now and I've told him how I feel with how his acting. And his response is that I'm not letting him do what he wants in his own home. All I'm asking is to not get mad in front of family out of respect. Anyways he told me that if a family member comes round on Sunday we are done when the tenancy ends, he doesnt mean this but to say that in thr first place. He tells me there's no compromise with me. Because i let my family come over. They come roune a few times a month maybe. There's no plans for anyone to come over anyway but the comment I find just out of order. His so mad at everything he says he feels like he can't speak to me and say what he wants. What he basically wants is no one to come round and for us to do nothing. Im bored of our life ive asked him so many times to go out with me more plan things. The boy doesn't take me on dates often he says his too tired when we make a plan I'm bored so I go out with my family. Which I done the other day it was a nice day and he didn't want to do anything.
I don't know what to do because I'm getting unhappy but we have such good days. What makes it hard is I work from home and he even gets salty about that and often argues with me on days he has work. He works retail shifts and hates it. I feel stuck as I love him but I hate him. I don't know if to stay at a family members for a bit but that also stresses me out as I need authorisation from work to work elsewhere so I'd have to give a reason.
We also need to decide if we want to renew our tenancy in the next couple weeks and I just don't know.

"Anyways he told me that if a family member comes round on Sunday we are done when the tenancy ends". He is trying to cut you off from your family which is a textbook sign of abuse and you should be very concerned about this. Honestly, he sounds like a complete nightmare and I'm sure you would be a lot happier living alone and staying at your family's place for a bit while you look for a flat nearby. Your work does not need to know the details, you can simply say that your flat is undergoing repairs/construction work or something. The fact that your tenancy is ending soon is the perfect opportunity to leave and you need to think very carefully about committing yourself to spending another year or more with him.

Also, I'm pretty sure I recognise this exact scenario from a thread from a couple of months back. If you are the same person, it is clear that his behaviour won't change and if you have been thinking about breaking up for so long, that is a clear indicator that this is something you want and it is time to make a decision about it. A few 'good days' is not an excuse for making your life a misery the majority of the time. I would have a serious talk about this with your family and friends too if you haven't already. It sounds as if they would support you in your decision to leave, given that they have also noticed his toxic behaviour.
(edited 3 months ago)
Reply 4
Original post by Anonymous
I would say to break up,cause i feel like this relationship is in the depths.He needs to mature and that can only happen with time.If u truly love him you can always take a 2 week break or something and see how he is after the break.If he remained the same then break up with him but if he has made efforts to change and had changed then ig it will be second chance.But if u do break up make sure he is alright like check up on him cause u did say he was depressed.Does he have any friends?
Also the break can hive u and him some space and time.If he really wants this relationship to work and if he loves you he would attempt to change.
Hopefully everyone goes well.Lmk:smile:

To be honest, the OP has already communicated her dissatisfaction with his behaviour very clearly. He's been given every chance to change and he has outright refused, showing no respect or empathy. I think a two-week break would not be a good option given that they need to make a decision about renewing the tenancy and the OP could end up being trapped with him in a contract for another year.

Yes he is depressed, but mental health issues are not an excuse for bad or toxic behaviour that affects people around you. Ultimately, the OP is not responsible for him and she has no obligation to stay in a miserable relationship.
(edited 3 months ago)
Reply 5
Original post by Anonymous
I would say to break up,cause i feel like this relationship is in the depths.He needs to mature and that can only happen with time.If u truly love him you can always take a 2 week break or something and see how he is after the break.If he remained the same then break up with him but if he has made efforts to change and had changed then ig it will be second chance.But if u do break up make sure he is alright like check up on him cause u did say he was depressed.Does he have any friends?
Also the break can hive u and him some space and time.If he really wants this relationship to work and if he loves you he would attempt to change.
Hopefully everyone goes well.Lmk:smile:

He doesn't reallt have any friends his quite alone. He is a lovely person but as explained in recent months his changed for the worse. He does realise his actions and is deeply sorry and ashamed. I've spoke to work about being able to change work temporarily also very awkward as I couldnt speak about it without crying a bit over a call with my manager. She's leaving Fri so I wanted to speak to her before she left for maternity leave. If it comes to it all I need to do is ask as she will let the next manager know I may approach. But for thr next week it's too stressful as having a dilemma of where to stay.
To my ear, the relationship does not sound worth continuiing with tbh. If you want to preface that with a break to see if it gives him the impetus to changes things, that's valid. But the likleyhood is that it won't, or that he''ll go back to his old ways when he is comfortable and in a funk again. Fundamentally he needs to address his depression.

I just don't see a few odd goods days as worth the expenditure of time and emotion. You could get that anywhere without having to sacrifice your relationship with your family.

Original post by MJ1148
To be honest, the OP has already communicated her dissatisfaction with his behaviour very clearly. He's been given every chance to change and he has outright refused, showing no respect or empathy. I think a two-week break would not be a good option given that they need to make a decision about renewing the tenancy and the OP could end up being trapped with him in a contract for another year.

Yes he is depressed, but mental health issues are not an excuse for bad or toxic behaviour that affects people around you. Ultimately, the OP is not responsible for him and she has no obligation to stay in a miserable relationship.

Agree with this. I think a break would be a bit of a last ditch attempt, and a valid comment about getting stuck in the tenancy.
Reply 7
Breaks are not real things, they are just excuses for people to sleep around and nobody with self respect should accept them.

So yes, if you don't feel his emotional investment will ever deliver the dividends you expected l, write him off.

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