Boyfriend didn’t tell me he talks to girl from his past

My boyfriend of one year has been acting really strange recently making comments to me that are just mean, doesn’t seem interested in me etc. but i haven’t thought anything of it. now this is where it gets weird, He barely posts on social media and out of nowhere he has been uploading photos of himself on instagram story so when i clicked on his account his following had went up (stalker me but oh well) when i checked there was a girls account i didn’t recognise no mutuals or anything.

I decided to ask him about her so i text him saying “who is …..” to which he told me straight up it was a girl he used to play video games with before we started dating and she lived far away so it was an online friendship. nothing to worry about then but he started to get defensive over it once i was asking more questions. He kept saying things like “i don’t need to tell you about everything i do” and “you don’t need to know who im speaking to” so i kindly said to him that i was worrying about it and it didn’t look right from my POV and i hoped he could see that it looked like he was chatting to girls behind my back to which he got angry and told me to **** off.

I got really annoyed at this point and asked him would he have told me bout her if i hadn’t of asked who she was and he said no which is weird anyway. i explained how it looked and he was just not having it. his exact words were “obviously i’m not speaking to other girls” like SORRY you clearly are you just told me. i’ve never seen this girl or spoke to her so how am i ment to know what she has been saying to him when he refused to send proof of what was said between them.
we went back and forth arguing and he ended up telling me to leave him alone and stopped replying to me.

i’m just wondering would anyone else be annoyed by this? or am i completely overthinking the situation?
i don’t know what to do

Reply 1

StriderHort

I can't speak for how trustworthy he is.. but you do seem to have went a bit overboard here. He likely started getting defensive because you're repeatedly interrogating and accusing him about it beyond what most would call reasonable.

Trying to ''Gotcha!' him over the meaning of 'speaking' to' is petty sophistry when we both know he is talking about socially and you're trying to intentionally misinterpret it as romantically. It proves nothing.

It's not normal to demand proof of peoples conversations, especially with no specific suspicion beyond their gender. I am honestly not surprised he told you to **** off as you obv don't trust him. I'd be thinking the same if treated like this.

Even if he did let you read everything they'd ever said and there was nothing suspicious, would you get off his back about it and beg forgiveness or just modulate your accusations? 'well you must be talking somewhere else!' etc or be determined to be proven right and maliciously interpret things like you already did?

IMO when get to the point of reading peoples communications your relationship is over. You're either going to read something you don't like, have to make a humiliating & bitter climbdown, or get told to **** off. I don't think there's an option where it ends well.

Reply 2

Crazy Jamie

Life & Style Forum Helper, Careers Forum Helper

Original post by Anonymous

Actually, no, what follows adds very little to this. If he's making mean comments to you and not showing interest in you those are a massive red flags, not things you shouldn't think anything of.
That is ironic because the rest of your post is you completely overreacting to things that really don't matter. There is a simple reality here about long term relationships that you need to understand. If you're in a long term relationship with someone they are going to speak to other people of the opposite sex. They are going to be friends with people of the opposite sex. And yes, they are going to be attracted to other people of the opposite sex. All of that is normal, and they are not obliged to tell you when they speak to other girls or what they say to them. Needing that sort of control over someone is not normal or healthy. You should be able to trust that they will stay faithful to you. Because, ultimately, they have chosen to be in a relationship with you. If that is not enough for you, you need to work on those trust issues.
It may well be that the way he is treated you has resulted in this insecurity, and that would make a lot of sense, but fundamentally the issue here is that he is not treating you in the relationship the way he should be treating you. That is a big problem. Him speaking to other girls is, at best, a symptom, not a cause. If the relationship isn't giving you what you need, speak to him and work on those issues, or break up with him. Whether or not he's speaking to other girls is just irrelevant.