How can I be more patient and caring towards my sister?

I need some advice - I fully understand that this post will make me look bad, but I want to change that. My sister is 8 years younger than me (14) & she is definitely on the spectrum. She has development issues, in the sense of her motor skills and neurodevelopment. She can talk, walk and for the most part do basic things eg she showers by herself (although she needs help wrapping her hair into a towel and shampooing it), she can just about make toast but again needs help bc the buttering is where she trips up etc. So she isn’t completely reliant on others but to an extent she is. She also has trouble controlling her emotions, and often will swear at us when she’s upset, as well as not take accountability for when she’s done something wrong. She also loves her phone, which causes a few issues (between her and the whole family) but I do understand that this could just be due to the fact she’s a teenager. I think our issue is that when she is on her phone / device, she’s just really unaware of people so if we ask her smth, we have to repeat it.
I will be the first to admit I judge her according to the standards of a “neurotypical” individual, which I KNOW is wrong of me to do, but I sometimes get so frustrated that I lash out and say bad things and shout at her, even though I KNOW it is not in her control. I’m trying to be better and more sympathetic because she is my only sister, but I just want advice on how I can do this and be a better big sister. I feel awful for lashing out and treating her badly, especially when I know she gets picked on at school and doesn’t have many friends.

Sorry that this post is so long, I just really need help on what to do. I know it is ultimately not her fault but I feel like when I get annoyed or angry, I seem to forget all that and think it’s okay to treat her badly, and it feels even worse bc I am 8 years older than her and I feel like I should be taking care of her and be there for her as a big sister. Any advice would be much appreciated, thank you :smile:

Reply 1

ra_7ma

Original post by Anonymous

I need some advice - I fully understand that this post will make me look bad, but I want to change that. My sister is 8 years younger than me (14) & she is definitely on the spectrum. She has development issues, in the sense of her motor skills and neurodevelopment. She can talk, walk and for the most part do basic things eg she showers by herself (although she needs help wrapping her hair into a towel and shampooing it), she can just about make toast but again needs help bc the buttering is where she trips up etc. So she isn’t completely reliant on others but to an extent she is. She also has trouble controlling her emotions, and often will swear at us when she’s upset, as well as not take accountability for when she’s done something wrong. She also loves her phone, which causes a few issues (between her and the whole family) but I do understand that this could just be due to the fact she’s a teenager. I think our issue is that when she is on her phone / device, she’s just really unaware of people so if we ask her smth, we have to repeat it.
I will be the first to admit I judge her according to the standards of a “neurotypical” individual, which I KNOW is wrong of me to do, but I sometimes get so frustrated that I lash out and say bad things and shout at her, even though I KNOW it is not in her control. I’m trying to be better and more sympathetic because she is my only sister, but I just want advice on how I can do this and be a better big sister. I feel awful for lashing out and treating her badly, especially when I know she gets picked on at school and doesn’t have many friends.
Sorry that this post is so long, I just really need help on what to do. I know it is ultimately not her fault but I feel like when I get annoyed or angry, I seem to forget all that and think it’s okay to treat her badly, and it feels even worse bc I am 8 years older than her and I feel like I should be taking care of her and be there for her as a big sister. Any advice would be much appreciated, thank you :smile:

Hi there!

Don’t worry about writing too long, it is a big step for you to recognise where you may be falling short and for you to seek for advice - it’s quite admirable and it shows that you care about your little sister.

It’s totally normal to feel frustrated or overwhelmed sometimes but I think try to educate yourself more by understanding her condition better, try to put yourself in her shoes - imagine what it's like for her to navigate the world with her neurodevelopmental differences and understand her perspective and where she’s coming from. I think it will help you develop more empathy and patience towards her struggles.

Of course sometimes people on the spectrum may find it challenging to express themselves verbally and therefore you might see them swearing or expressing anger. It may also be a way of showing frustration or overwhelm when they struggle to communicate their needs or when they're faced with sensory overload. So try to have bonding time with your sister, encourage her to express herself, and listen to her thoughts and feelings without judgment. Show her that you can be there for her no matter what - whenever you feel like you're going to lash out, hold yourself and work on your temper. Of course all of that takes time but know that your sister needs you especially when she’s getting picked on at school.

Also spend quality time together and look for activities that you both enjoy.

I hope some of these advice are helpful and hopefully you'll hear from other people as well :smile:

Reply 2

jelllyfiiish

Life & Style Forum Helper

Original post by Anonymous

I need some advice - I fully understand that this post will make me look bad, but I want to change that. My sister is 8 years younger than me (14) & she is definitely on the spectrum. She has development issues, in the sense of her motor skills and neurodevelopment. She can talk, walk and for the most part do basic things eg she showers by herself (although she needs help wrapping her hair into a towel and shampooing it), she can just about make toast but again needs help bc the buttering is where she trips up etc. So she isn’t completely reliant on others but to an extent she is. She also has trouble controlling her emotions, and often will swear at us when she’s upset, as well as not take accountability for when she’s done something wrong. She also loves her phone, which causes a few issues (between her and the whole family) but I do understand that this could just be due to the fact she’s a teenager. I think our issue is that when she is on her phone / device, she’s just really unaware of people so if we ask her smth, we have to repeat it.
I will be the first to admit I judge her according to the standards of a “neurotypical” individual, which I KNOW is wrong of me to do, but I sometimes get so frustrated that I lash out and say bad things and shout at her, even though I KNOW it is not in her control. I’m trying to be better and more sympathetic because she is my only sister, but I just want advice on how I can do this and be a better big sister. I feel awful for lashing out and treating her badly, especially when I know she gets picked on at school and doesn’t have many friends.
Sorry that this post is so long, I just really need help on what to do. I know it is ultimately not her fault but I feel like when I get annoyed or angry, I seem to forget all that and think it’s okay to treat her badly, and it feels even worse bc I am 8 years older than her and I feel like I should be taking care of her and be there for her as a big sister. Any advice would be much appreciated, thank you :smile:

No matter what you’ve said, you genuinely seem like a caring sister!
If you’re worried about the lashing-out and being more patient bit, I’d advise you to take deep breaths before saying anything that you might regret. Furthermore, don’t worry about these emotions as they’re normal and happens to the best of us from time to time!

Moreover, as you said - she’s a teenager, so she’d probably behave in a more rebellious attitude and lack of maturity (compared to an adult); therefore a reminder that everyone has been through this before - so take your time and remember that you probably was like this once too.

I hope everything goes well for you and your sister!
Wish you all the best. :smile: