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My bf borrowed his mum out money behind my back

I just need to know if I’m a horrible person.
Me and my boyfriend live together and share most finances. I went away for a few days. We had our rent money cash in a drawer and before leaving I told him to not touch that money because its for rent (he knew it anyway, but I just wanted to make sure he wouldn’t touch it). He agreed.
A day after I came back I asked how much we have there exactly and he said “oh I borrowed it to my mum”. He didn’t tell me nothing when he decided to borrow it. He didn’t ask for my opinion since it’s OUR money, not to mention our RENT money. We are not in a great financial position so that money is needed.

I got very angry, as I should, and told him I want that money back by today. When he came back from work at night, I asked for the money and he said he has asked his mum but she said she already spent it but if he really needs it today she will borrow it from someone else and give it to him. I said I don’t care, I want the money back today. He said okay.

We don’t have to pay rent until the 24th, so we don’t need it today, but I feel like he disrespected me so much by doing this behind my back that I want him to bring me that money TODAY. I feel bad that his mum has to go and borrow, and I feel like it’s my fault because I’m being like this, hence I’m writing this, but at the same time, I want him to know that this isn’t something little. A bit of context, he’s borrowed money in the past to his mum and sister (before we started living together and sharing finances), a lot of money, and he still hasn’t seen seen it back. So this is a factor as well, because god knows if we will get that money back, but the main thing is that he disrespected me and done this behind my back.

Am I a horrible person or do you think it’s fair? If I try to convince myself that I’m not a horrible person, I think that he should feel guilty and responsible for his mum having to borrow money from someone else, not me.

Opinions?

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Reply 1
***I meant to say “our money” in the title
It's in your own right as half of the money is yours and he loaned out the money without your knowledge. He should of asked you first before, he did acknowledge that it was for rent.
seems strange you had to tell your bf not to spend the rent!
Using "borrowed" confused me for ages
No, quite right to freak out at bit at him doing something so irresponsible

He basically tried to hide it or at least hope you wouldn't notice and he's loaned it to someone who already owes loads and isn't paying it back. I've nothing against helping out people, family especially but the reality is that money is at high risk of not coming back and the fact he couldn't lend her it out of his pocket implies he isn't able to replace it if it went wrong.
Reply 5
I’m with you. How does he think you’re going to pay the rent.
Original post by Zarek
I’m with you. How does he think you’re going to pay the rent.

JuSt ExPlAiN tO tHe LAnDlOrD! 🤡
No, you're not horrible. This is entirely reasonable, and in fact is potentially a big problem. One poster has already said that half of the money is your money, but actually the issue goes beyond that. You are living together and your joint financial responsibilities are important. Even if you're paying half each, it is his responsibility to ensure that he can pay his half as well, and it is absolutely vital that you can trust him to do that. He has loaned the money to someone who he absolutely cannot be sure will be pay it back, but the likelihood of it being paid back is irrelevant. The problem is that he has loaned that money to anyone for any reason. There are few things more important financially than paying your rent. He absolutely cannot be using that money for any purpose other than rent.

This is a big deal and you are right to demand that he remedies it. Going forwards, he absolutely needs to sort this out, because as the relationship develops and you potentially take on other financial responsibilities, such as higher rent, a mortgage, other loans, and children, you have to trust that your other half is responsible with money. You don't have to both be on exactly the same page with money, but you do at the very least have to have confidence that he will meet the minimum obligations within the household. If you cannot, this is absolutely something that you can and should end the relationship over, because as much as everything else about the relationship may be great, this will cause massive and potentially life changing problems further down the line if he doesn't become more responsible with money.
Original post by Anonymous
I just need to know if I’m a horrible person.
Me and my boyfriend live together and share most finances. I went away for a few days. We had our rent money cash in a drawer and before leaving I told him to not touch that money because its for rent (he knew it anyway, but I just wanted to make sure he wouldn’t touch it). He agreed.
A day after I came back I asked how much we have there exactly and he said “oh I borrowed it to my mum”. He didn’t tell me nothing when he decided to borrow it. He didn’t ask for my opinion since it’s OUR money, not to mention our RENT money. We are not in a great financial position so that money is needed.
I got very angry, as I should, and told him I want that money back by today. When he came back from work at night, I asked for the money and he said he has asked his mum but she said she already spent it but if he really needs it today she will borrow it from someone else and give it to him. I said I don’t care, I want the money back today. He said okay.
We don’t have to pay rent until the 24th, so we don’t need it today, but I feel like he disrespected me so much by doing this behind my back that I want him to bring me that money TODAY. I feel bad that his mum has to go and borrow, and I feel like it’s my fault because I’m being like this, hence I’m writing this, but at the same time, I want him to know that this isn’t something little. A bit of context, he’s borrowed money in the past to his mum and sister (before we started living together and sharing finances), a lot of money, and he still hasn’t seen seen it back. So this is a factor as well, because god knows if we will get that money back, but the main thing is that he disrespected me and done this behind my back.
Am I a horrible person or do you think it’s fair? If I try to convince myself that I’m not a horrible person, I think that he should feel guilty and responsible for his mum having to borrow money from someone else, not me.
Opinions?

You are not a horrible person. As for your boyfriend, have you thought Drugs or Gambling ? Maybe he is doing one of those with the money as I personally doubt he has loaned it to his Mother ?. Either way it does NOT bode well for your relationship as it is a bad sign of his personality .
(edited 1 month ago)
Reply 9
Original post by StriderHort
JuSt ExPlAiN tO tHe LAnDlOrD! 🤡

Precisely!
Original post by anonymouse2024
You are not a horrible person. As for your boyfriend, have you thought Drugs or Gambling ? Maybe he is doing one of those with the money as I personally doubt he has loaned it to his Mother ?. Either way it does NOT bode well for your relationship as it is a bad sign of his personality .

Do you have any reason for this doubt?
Original post by StriderHort
Do you have any reason for this doubt?

Intuition and experience of life.
Do other people say "borrowed" in this way?
Original post by wanga_wanga
Do other people say "borrowed" in this way?

No - its not the correct use of the word as far as I am concerned - she meant leant.
Original post by wanga_wanga
Do other people say "borrowed" in this way?

It's an error in English, but a surprisingly common one. That may or may not be because in other languages the words for "borrow" and "lend" are the same, as are the words for "teach" and "learn". In Dutch, for example, to borrow/lend is "lenen" and to learn/teach is "leren". You know which is which depending on context. I'm not saying that people who make the mistake all have English as their second language, because plenty of people who make the mistake only speak English, but linguistically there is at least an explanation for it.
Original post by Anonymous
No - its not the correct use of the word as far as I am concerned - she meant leant.

Sorry, but it is "Lent" .

"...I Lent the money to..."
"...The shop Loaned the computer to us..."
"...We borrowed the computer...."

As for "leant" that means for example "...I leant on the fence to support myself.."

Lesson over, LOL.
(edited 1 month ago)
Original post by Anonymous
I just need to know if I’m a horrible person.
Me and my boyfriend live together and share most finances. I went away for a few days. We had our rent money cash in a drawer and before leaving I told him to not touch that money because its for rent (he knew it anyway, but I just wanted to make sure he wouldn’t touch it). He agreed.
A day after I came back I asked how much we have there exactly and he said “oh I borrowed it to my mum”. He didn’t tell me nothing when he decided to borrow it. He didn’t ask for my opinion since it’s OUR money, not to mention our RENT money. We are not in a great financial position so that money is needed.
I got very angry, as I should, and told him I want that money back by today. When he came back from work at night, I asked for the money and he said he has asked his mum but she said she already spent it but if he really needs it today she will borrow it from someone else and give it to him. I said I don’t care, I want the money back today. He said okay.
We don’t have to pay rent until the 24th, so we don’t need it today, but I feel like he disrespected me so much by doing this behind my back that I want him to bring me that money TODAY. I feel bad that his mum has to go and borrow, and I feel like it’s my fault because I’m being like this, hence I’m writing this, but at the same time, I want him to know that this isn’t something little. A bit of context, he’s borrowed money in the past to his mum and sister (before we started living together and sharing finances), a lot of money, and he still hasn’t seen seen it back. So this is a factor as well, because god knows if we will get that money back, but the main thing is that he disrespected me and done this behind my back.
Am I a horrible person or do you think it’s fair? If I try to convince myself that I’m not a horrible person, I think that he should feel guilty and responsible for his mum having to borrow money from someone else, not me.
Opinions?


Leave him for someone who has money
Original post by anonymouse2024
Sorry, but it is "Lent" .
"...I Lent the money to..."
"...The shop Loaned the computer to us..."
"...We borrowed the computer...."
As for "leant" that means for example "...I leant on the fence to support myself.."
Lesson over, LOL.

Sorry - typo
Original post by anonymouse2024
Sorry, but it is "Lent" .
"...I Lent the money to..."
"...The shop Loaned the computer to us..."
"...We borrowed the computer...."
As for "leant" that means for example "...I leant on the fence to support myself.."
Lesson over, LOL.

Are you an early trillionaire in 2005 zimbabwean currency?
Original post by wanga_wanga
Are you an early trillionaire in 2005 zimbabwean currency?

Lol ah yes ,but I am a Quadrillionaire , not that im boasting.

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