Could someone mark my GCSE english language answer?

It is for question 2 paper 1- I just want to know how many marks it is out of 8. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

The text was:
"Then Oliver Bacon touched a spring in the wall and slowly the panelling slid open, and behind it were the steel safes, five, no, six of them, all of burnished steel. He twisted a key; unlocked one; then another. Each was lined with a pad of deep crimson velvet; in each lay jewels- bracelets, necklaces, rings, tiaras, ducal coronets; loose stones in glass shells; rubies, emeralds, pearls, diamonds. All safe, shining, cool, yet burning, eternally with their own compressed light."

The question was "How does the writer use language to convey Oliver Bacon's views on the jewels and value of the precious stones?"

My response was:
"The writer uses repetition to emphasise that Oliver clearly is obsessed with the jewels, and he thinks of them very highly. The writer mentions that all of the jewels are kept in "steel safes". In the same sentence, the writer repeats that all of the safes were "of burnished steel". The repetition of the hard adjective "steel" conveys that the safes are very secure: which portrays to the reader that Oliver takes a lot of care into keeping his jewels safe. This idea is reinforced, by the fact that the safes are locked, and a key is needed to open them ("He twisted a key; unlocked one"). The fact that he is taking so many precautions portrays that he doesn't want anything to happen to these gems, and it makes the reader interested to find out what happens to the gems later on.

Additionally, the writer states the names and types of each of the gems in a very long list ("bracelets, necklaces, rings"... ) which shows the reader that Oliver is obsessed with collecting these gems- as he has such a vast assort of them. He has so many gems in fact, that he needs 6 safes to hold them all; so many safes, that the narrator even loses track of them ("five, no, six of them"). This makes the reader question why Oliver is so obsessed with the gems- and his opinion of the gems is clearly displayed as obsession and very valuable to him."

Reply 1

revision52

9

Original post by hajar101

I would give this a 6/8. You give clear analysis with accurate terminology.
To move this up to a level 4 response, you could focus on being more perceptive with your analysis. The writer uses light imagery "compressed light" . Light is a symbol for hope and enlightenment, perhaps these are the main source of joy and hope in Oliver's life. The sun, a body of light, is essential to humans for nourishment, showing the high value of the gems for Oliver; they are crucial to his life.
With the list of gems, you could say the continuous and lengthy list makes the reader breathless, perhaps mirroring how Oliver is consumed by these gems and so captivated- maybe Oliver is overwhelmed due to the complexity of the sentence and the breathlessness invoked by the list.
This is a good solid start. By all means im no expert but I hope this feedback helps 🙂

Firstly, repetition is more of a structural device so I would avoid using it, as it could be something you could write about in Q3. Be specific a very long list should be replaced by asyndetic listing. Try embedding your quotations fluently. If this was Q3, I would've awarded you 6/8 but as you say it is Q2, you get 3/8, be more focused on language

Reply 2

School_Student99

OP

11

Original post by hajar101

I would give this a 6/8. You give clear analysis with accurate terminology.
To move this up to a level 4 response, you could focus on being more perceptive with your analysis. The writer uses light imagery "compressed light" . Light is a symbol for hope and enlightenment, perhaps these are the main source of joy and hope in Oliver's life. The sun, a body of light, is essential to humans for nourishment, showing the high value of the gems for Oliver; they are crucial to his life.
With the list of gems, you could say the continuous and lengthy list makes the reader breathless, perhaps mirroring how Oliver is consumed by these gems and so captivated- maybe Oliver is overwhelmed due to the complexity of the sentence and the breathlessness invoked by the list.
This is a good solid start. By all means im no expert but I hope this feedback helps 🙂

Thank you very much for the advice!

Reply 3

School_Student99

OP

11

Original post by revision52

Firstly, repetition is more of a structural device so I would avoid using it, as it could be something you could write about in Q3. Be specific a very long list should be replaced by asyndetic listing. Try embedding your quotations fluently. If this was Q3, I would've awarded you 6/8 but as you say it is Q2, you get 3/8, be more focused on language

If it is no trouble... Could you possibly give me an example, model paragraph? Just so I have an idea in my head of what language techniques I could use and how to use them in my essay to get more marks for question two. Thanks!

Could someone mark my GCSE english language answer?

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