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Could someone mark my GCSE English Language question?

The text:
"Then he touched a spring in the wall and slowly the panelling slid open, and behind it were the steel safes, five, no, six of them, all of burnished steel. He twisted a key; unlocked one; then another. Each was lined with a pad of deep crimson velvet; in each lay jewels- bracelets, necklaces, rings, tiaras, ducal coronets; loose stones in glass shells; rubies, emeralds, pearls, diamonds. All safe, shining, cool, yet burning, eternally with their own compressed light."

The question:
"How does the writer use language to convey Oliver Bacon's views on the jewels and value of precious stones?"

My answer:
The writer uses repitition to emphasise that Oliver clearly is obsessed with the jewels, and he thinks of them very highly. The writer mentions that all of the jewels are kept in "steel safes". In the same sentence, the writer repeats that all of the safes were "of burnished steel". The repitition of the hard adjective "steel" conveys that the safes are very secure: which portrays to the reader that Oliver takes a lot of care into keeping his jewels safe. This idea is reinforced, by the fact that the safes are locked, and a key is needed to open them ("He twisted a key; unlocked one"). The fact that he is taking so many precautions portrays that he doesn't want anything to happen to these gems, and it makes the reader interested to find out what happens to the gems later on.

Additionally, the writer states the names and types of each of the gems in a very long list ("bracelets, necklaces, rings"... ) which shows the reader that Oliver is obsessed with collecting these gems- as he has such a vast assort of them. He has so many gems in fact, that he needs 6 safes to hold them all; so many safes, that the narrator even loses track of them ("five, no, six of them"). This makes the reader question why Oliver is so obsessed with the gems- and his opinion of the gems is clearly displayed as obsession and very valuable to him.


Any help would be greatly appreciated, thanks!
Great! I’d say around 6 or 7/8 if we’re being stingy. My main advice is try to embed quotes a bit more discreetly for a better flow, rather than separating them in the brackets. I’m also a sucker for some high level vocab since it’s bound to bump any answer up a couple of marks. Keep it up! 😄👍
Original post by Grace Hurst
Great! I’d say around 6 or 7/8 if we’re being stingy. My main advice is try to embed quotes a bit more discreetly for a better flow, rather than separating them in the brackets. I’m also a sucker for some high level vocab since it’s bound to bump any answer up a couple of marks. Keep it up! 😄👍

Thank you so much!!
Reply 3
Hi, I got a 9 at GCSE Lang and am studying Lit at A-Level so I think it’s worth giving my ten cents 😂

I’d say your have some fairly nice analysis and understanding of the text yet I feel some of it could be a lot deeper. For example having the text state that the jewels ‘burn’ could be interpreted by the reader to link with desire, thus heightening our perception of the jewels’ majesty. Furthermore, I’d also comment on the semantics of the safe, the mentioning of the ‘key’, ‘crimson velvet’ and so forth further reinforces this idea of their importance to the persona, not only do these matters represent protection, care and quality, but they represent a physical procedure that the persona may take pleasure in. I’d also offer alternate points of view, things like - ‘while at base level, the idea of could connote …, looking more deeply into the use of it can be considered that means …, showing to the reader

And as another commenter stated - higher level vocab throughout and better embedding of quotes to really hit into that 8/9.

I’d say from my point of view (so take with a grain of salt and do what you will with it) that at this point you’re probably working (from what I saw my peers get at the time) at a top band 6, teetering on 7, but it’s all about technique!

I find myself that critical feedback is always best, I hope I have not been too harsh and that this helps in some way - best of luck with revision and your exams!
Original post by Eg3756
Hi, I got a 9 at GCSE Lang and am studying Lit at A-Level so I think it’s worth giving my ten cents 😂
I’d say your have some fairly nice analysis and understanding of the text yet I feel some of it could be a lot deeper. For example having the text state that the jewels ‘burn’ could be interpreted by the reader to link with desire, thus heightening our perception of the jewels’ majesty. Furthermore, I’d also comment on the semantics of the safe, the mentioning of the ‘key’, ‘crimson velvet’ and so forth further reinforces this idea of their importance to the persona, not only do these matters represent protection, care and quality, but they represent a physical procedure that the persona may take pleasure in. I’d also offer alternate points of view, things like - ‘while at base level, the idea of could connote …, looking more deeply into the use of it can be considered that means …, showing to the reader
And as another commenter stated - higher level vocab throughout and better embedding of quotes to really hit into that 8/9.
I’d say from my point of view (so take with a grain of salt and do what you will with it) that at this point you’re probably working (from what I saw my peers get at the time) at a top band 6, teetering on 7, but it’s all about technique!
I find myself that critical feedback is always best, I hope I have not been too harsh and that this helps in some way - best of luck with revision and your exams!

Thank you very much for your help! One of my friends told me that it would have been about a 3/8 because this was question 2, about language, and I used repetition which is a structural technique. I don't know if he is correct, but if it is no trouble, could you give me a list of language techniques I could look for in the extract and use in my question 2? Also, could you tell me whether repetition is an acceptable language technique? Thanks!
Reply 5
Original post by School_Student99
Thank you very much for your help! One of my friends told me that it would have been about a 3/8 because this was question 2, about language, and I used repetition which is a structural technique. I don't know if he is correct, but if it is no trouble, could you give me a list of language techniques I could look for in the extract and use in my question 2? Also, could you tell me whether repetition is an acceptable language technique? Thanks!

Hi, by 6, I meant as a grade, should your other answers be roughly at this level, marks wise - 3 - 4 sounds about right.

As for identifying language devices, I’d revise some of thos, you’d find it vastly more beneficial if you found them yourself and then consolidated that instead of me finding them, but there is a lot that can be said!

Repetition is fine, provided you talk about its effects properly. Just saying the writer uses repetition isn’t enough, you need to talk about how that is relevant to your point. You’d need to say the repetition links to this feeling of procedure / process involving the key etc.
Original post by Eg3756
Hi, by 6, I meant as a grade, should your other answers be roughly at this level, marks wise - 3 - 4 sounds about right.
As for identifying language devices, I’d revise some of thos, you’d find it vastly more beneficial if you found them yourself and then consolidated that instead of me finding them, but there is a lot that can be said!
Repetition is fine, provided you talk about its effects properly. Just saying the writer uses repetition isn’t enough, you need to talk about how that is relevant to your point. You’d need to say the repetition links to this feeling of procedure / process involving the key etc.

Thanks for the help!
Original post by School_Student99
Thank you very much for your help! One of my friends told me that it would have been about a 3/8 because this was question 2, about language, and I used repetition which is a structural technique. I don't know if he is correct, but if it is no trouble, could you give me a list of language techniques I could look for in the extract and use in my question 2? Also, could you tell me whether repetition is an acceptable language technique? Thanks!

Hey, I was that guy 🙂 If you have any other essays, I will happily mark them. I suggest you send me some paper 1 question 2 and 3 so that you get some practice for those. Also both of your paragraphs talk about obsession so you've repeated your point twice but just with different techniques. Do this:
1st paragraph - obsession with jewels, that's your point. Embed your evidence. Then explain a lottttt, why has the writer chosen sibilance and what is the effect of sibilance, simile etc. Then link
2nd paragraph - new point and repeat PEEL
Original post by revision52
Hey, I was that guy 🙂 If you have any other essays, I will happily mark them. I suggest you send me some paper 1 question 2 and 3 so that you get some practice for those. Also both of your paragraphs talk about obsession so you've repeated your point twice but just with different techniques. Do this:
1st paragraph - obsession with jewels, that's your point. Embed your evidence. Then explain a lottttt, why has the writer chosen sibilance and what is the effect of sibilance, simile etc. Then link
2nd paragraph - new point and repeat PEEL

Hello! It was one of my friends from school lol, thank you very much for the advice and help! I really appreciate it a lot :smile:

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