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How do i support my boyfriend?

I'll try to cover it up shortly
Me and my boyfriend have been together for only 4 months, but no doubt i love him alot
In the past he was addicted to smoking, when we met he was properly fine and didn't toched cigarettes for a long time
But now because of some personal problems he's getting very stressed and he might start smoking regularly, he maybe smokes without telling me honestly
And i really want to help him.. but im also very stressed due to my studies and some family problems
So any advices about this?
Im young so i will need older ppl to help out, thanks
Honestly? Other than just being there to support him in general, stay out of it. Would it be a deal breaker if he did smoke at all/regularly?

If you haven't smoked/quit or dealt with addiction yourself, there's nothing you can really say that won't sound like a cliche you read somewhere or that you're having a go at him. If you've only been dating a a few months it's a bit early to try changing his habits.

As a long time smoker who quit a few years ago, I didn't give a monkeys what other people though about it and various tries to guilt me into quitting never worked, I only stopped when I clearly wanted to do so. Like the problem was never that I didn't know smoking was harmful and I just needed someone to tell me that.
(edited 1 month ago)
Original post by Anonymous
I'll try to cover it up shortly
Me and my boyfriend have been together for only 4 months, but no doubt i love him alot
In the past he was addicted to smoking, when we met he was properly fine and didn't toched cigarettes for a long time
But now because of some personal problems he's getting very stressed and he might start smoking regularly, he maybe smokes without telling me honestly
And i really want to help him.. but im also very stressed due to my studies and some family problems
So any advices about this?
Im young so i will need older ppl to help out, thanks

I’m not sure how you can support him once you smoke you smoke you get addicted to nicotine it’s such a substance that it takes control of you the only way you may be able to support him is encourage him in quitting by discussing the dangers and bad side of smoking and how there’s other ways to how he can manage and relieve stress
(edited 1 month ago)
Original post by Mohammed_2000
I’m not sure how you can support him once you smoke you smoke you get addicted to nicotine it’s such a substance that it takes control of you the only way you may be able to support him is encourage him in quitting by discussing the dangers and bad side of smoking and how there’s other ways to how he can manage and relieve stress

This is what I'm saying though, that approach just doesn't work imo. If you have no exp of your own you're just obviously parroting things and don't really have anything to add to a discussion that he won't already know, and that will get frustrating and condescending fast. (Lots of former addicts end up going into supporting other addicts because they know they can actually relate to what they are told rather than just disapprovingly reading off a card that 'Smoking is bad')

I say you support them by addressing and supporting with the reason they're struggling in the first place, not nagging about their coping mechanisms, harmful as they may be. Bear in mind right now we have no info that they are in fact smoking, but we do know they are struggling overall, so yeah, focus on the issue you can actually identify imo
Original post by StriderHort
This is what I'm saying though, that approach just doesn't work imo. If you have no exp of your own you're just obviously parroting things and don't really have anything to add to a discussion that he won't already know, and that will get frustrating and condescending fast. (Lots of former addicts end up going into supporting other addicts because they know they can actually relate to what they are told rather than just disapprovingly reading off a card that 'Smoking is bad')
I say you support them by addressing and supporting with the reason they're struggling in the first place, not nagging about their coping mechanisms, harmful as they may be. Bear in mind right now we have no info that they are in fact smoking, but we do know they are struggling overall, so yeah, focus on the issue you can actually identify imo

Non smoker always have been don’t need experience to relate.
Original post by Mohammed_2000
Non smoker always have been don’t need experience to relate.

I think you do? What grounds would you have to relate a to an addict then if you have neither experience or appropriate qualifications? I've never had skin cancer and frankly don't see how I could relate to someone that did beyond generic and largely unhelpful sympathy.

Not being funny, but I feel you would be AWFUL at supporting an addict as you wouldn't be able to see past your own judgment.
Original post by Anonymous
I'll try to cover it up shortly
Me and my boyfriend have been together for only 4 months, but no doubt i love him alot
In the past he was addicted to smoking, when we met he was properly fine and didn't toched cigarettes for a long time
But now because of some personal problems he's getting very stressed and he might start smoking regularly, he maybe smokes without telling me honestly
And i really want to help him.. but im also very stressed due to my studies and some family problems
So any advices about this?
Im young so i will need older ppl to help out, thanks


Personally I don’t smoke but my gf at the time smoked vapes. Perhaps the circumstances were different, she was sorta peer pressured into it and she was addicted for a few years. I honestly hated it, I’ve tried it but it just hurts my lungs and I just couldn’t understand how people become addicted to something this bad and stinky. So I just sat down and spoke to her by asking her why she was vaping and/or if she thought it was ‘cool’ to vape, just really blunt questions to really get her thinking. We eventually started to make a small competition on how long she could avoid a vape for cause she wanted to prove me wrong by saying she wasn’t addicted but rather chooses to. Turns out she was actually addicted and yk the first step is to realise that you are addicted and work from there.

After a few relapses back to the vape and a few months of trying, she is finally an ex-smoker. It’s hard but it’s doable.
Original post by StriderHort
I think you do? What grounds would you have to relate a to an addict then if you have neither experience or appropriate qualifications? I've never had skin cancer and frankly don't see how I could relate to someone that did beyond generic and largely unhelpful sympathy.
Not being funny, but I feel you would be AWFUL at supporting an addict as you wouldn't be able to see past your own judgment.

That’s pathetic your only putting yourself at risk if your not sensible enough to know the cons of smoking in the first place. Why the hell would I need to be a smoker to relate or hand experience to provide support.
I remember my Grandfather died of smoking. I saw him in bed once whilst he was suffering from the Lung Cancer and he had 2 large lumps protruding from his Chest. He died one week later. You would NOT want to suffer the same fate. He died at home in his own bed, no hospital, no chemo.
Original post by Mohammed_2000
That’s pathetic your only putting yourself at risk if your not sensible enough to know the cons of smoking in the first place. Why the hell would I need to be a smoker to relate or hand experience to provide support.

Why?...uhm, because of the way you're talking to me now? 😄 I'm honestly not trying to spin this out into a huge argument but you just outright proved my point that you can't relate to it or see past your own need to judge, you're legit getting angry even talking about it.

You'd need that experience and/or education to effectively discuss an addicts situation and motives, it's that simple, without them you are ignorant and I'm honestly finding it pretty funny you don't feel you need these things to be effective and just decided that you know better. 😄
Original post by StriderHort
Why?...uhm, because of the way you're talking to me now? 😄 I'm honestly not trying to spin this out into a huge argument but you just outright proved my point that you can't relate to it or see past your own need to judge, you're legit getting angry even talking about it.
You'd need that experience and/or education to effectively discuss an addicts situation and motives, it's that simple, without them you are ignorant and I'm honestly finding it pretty funny you don't feel you need these things to be effective and just decided that you know better. 😄

Na I don’t but your just making yourself look dumb by saying I need to smoke to relate yeah like I’m dumb and stupid to not know the risks associated with smoking and what it can do to my health :rolleyes:
Original post by Mohammed_2000
Na I don’t but your just making yourself look dumb by saying I need to smoke to relate yeah like I’m dumb and stupid to not know the risks associated with smoking and what it can do to my health :rolleyes:


Whether smoking is harmful was never what we were debating and I think you know that. Do you honestly think you can tell an addict 'That's harmful' in a firm voice and they'll thank you and stop 'Aw thanks I never knew smoking was bad for me'?

What I'm saying is you lack the compassion or patience to constructively help or even talk to an addict and you've 100% demonstrated this - as said you can't see past your own condemnation. it would never be a role you were suited for so it seems wild to me that you still blithely claim otherwise.

The idea that former addicts can be of effective support to present addicts is well established professionally, pretty much all these alcohol/narcotics anon programs make use of the sponsor system, so as much as you don't value that experience people who deal with it daily obviously do.
Original post by Anonymous
I'll try to cover it up shortly
Me and my boyfriend have been together for only 4 months, but no doubt i love him alot
In the past he was addicted to smoking, when we met he was properly fine and didn't toched cigarettes for a long time
But now because of some personal problems he's getting very stressed and he might start smoking regularly, he maybe smokes without telling me honestly
And i really want to help him.. but im also very stressed due to my studies and some family problems
So any advices about this?
Im young so i will need older ppl to help out, thanks

Smoking is never the best option, it's as if he's turning to smoking as an excuse to focus on something else.
You should encourage him to quit as soon as possible and try to make him find joy and happiness in something else instead. This could be going out together, bonding with new friendships, a personal project, a sport, a club, etc... - just something to distract him from all the stresses he faces each day.
Moreover, you should also focus on your mental wellbeing first as a negative and upset mindset won't take you that far.

I wish you all the best and good luck to both ways! :smile:
Original post by jelllyfiiish
Smoking is never the best option, it's as if he's turning to smoking as an excuse to focus on something else.
You should encourage him to quit as soon as possible and try to make him find joy and happiness in something else instead. This could be going out together, bonding with new friendships, a personal project, a sport, a club, etc... - just something to distract him from all the stresses he faces each day.
Moreover, you should also focus on your mental wellbeing first as a negative and upset mindset won't take you that far.
I wish you all the best and good luck to both ways! :smile:

Remember there is no statement that the person has started smoking again and we already know there is bigger problems behind it.
Firstly, focus on your exams instead of what-ifs. Secondly, don't guilt him if he chooses to smoke again.

Help him abstain if he asks for help. If smoking is a dealbreaker for you, wait for him to say he is smoking before issuing the ultimatum - don't accuse prematurely.
(edited 1 month ago)
Original post by censorshipoftsr
I remember my Grandfather died of smoking. I saw him in bed once whilst he was suffering from the Lung Cancer and he had 2 large lumps protruding from his Chest. He died one week later. You would NOT want to suffer the same fate. He died at home in his own bed, no hospital, no chemo.

And I should add that he was present on Gold Beach in Dunkirk during WW2. He survived the War but he did not survive
smoking Tobacco.
Reply 16
Original post by Anonymous
I'll try to cover it up shortly
Me and my boyfriend have been together for only 4 months, but no doubt i love him alot
In the past he was addicted to smoking, when we met he was properly fine and didn't toched cigarettes for a long time
But now because of some personal problems he's getting very stressed and he might start smoking regularly, he maybe smokes without telling me honestly
And i really want to help him.. but im also very stressed due to my studies and some family problems
So any advices about this?
Im young so i will need older ppl to help out, thanks


I can help. Msg me for ideas

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