The Student Room Group

Break up

Hi there
I recently went through a bad breakup
We were together almost 2 years - having broken up for a few months in the middle .

The reason we broke up initially is because he shoved me and threw a bottle at me and squared up to me and my friend.
I then took him back.
Prior to this incident - he had ruined big moments in my life - he punched my bed, throw a plastic bottle and knocked my guitar over in a rage on my last day of university
And screamed at me while speeding up the car - screaming at me to tell him something that happened to me that was traumatic - while I was crying begging him to stop .

He’s repeatedly called me derogatory names - and screamed at me within inches of my face while punching himself in the face.

When we got back together in October I was in a very bad okace - and this year has been hard. I’ve had a death in the family - surgery and a sezuire within a few months.

With this he has said he has been the perfect boyfriend - saying o won’t find another boyfriend who holds doors open for me - brings me water etc .

A week after my surgery he was supposed to come visit me - the day he was - was his daughters birthday - and I told him the day before to not come as I didn’t want to take time away from his daughter - especially as he would just be coming down and us being able to not do anything - just lie in bed as I’m recovering

I thought this was the right decision - but he told me I was disrespectful as I had told him the day before - which I get but I was doing it for the right reasons - and he caused me so much stress that week

When I had my sezuire - he came down to visit me - but ended up storming out because I disrespected him. Now I snapped at him twice non aggressively which I know I shouldn’t have done but i don’t think it should’ve caused such a big reaction .

He then proceeded to tell me this was last chance .

I felt annoyed and upset because - I feel like his actions are very aggressive and don’t match up to mine

He has also repeatedly called me a liar and called me a whole bunch of names - multiple times throughout our relationship

The boiling point came the other day when I was out with friends - and accidently missed the initial time I was supposed to come back home. Only by twenty minutes - he said im dropping off the keys and going - again saying I disrespected him. I understand where he’s coming from with this because I made him wait a little longer - but I genuinely didn’t realise the time.
He then dropped the keys off and screamed at my friend who was outside with me for support

I then got black out drunk because I was so upset - never a good idea I know.

The argument continued when I got home.
He denied screaming at my friend - and throwing a bottle at me on my graduation - calling me delusional - said I had mental issues and that I was a liar

The lying thing has come ik before because I confessed to him when we first started talking I made up a lie to find something to talk to him about because I was nervous.

Still wrong I know but that lying thing has stuck in his brain and everything I say that he doesn’t like he calls me a liar.

He called me a liar so much that night I went ******* fine you win of course I lied about everything (of course this was sarcastic because I was sick of defending myself)

When he denied throwing that bottle at me - I said to him you have never truly understood how I felt that night - what it did to my mental health and how scared I was . He insisted he did know the consequences to his actions but still denied he did throw a bottle .

I snapped - all that rage I felt and all the times he called me names and screamed and threw things and stuff came back to me - and I ended up throwing a plastic bottle at him.

I then hit him .

I am so deeply ashamed .

It sounds sick but I wanted him to know how it felt - it felt like it was the only way to get through to him how scared I felt.

I am so ashamed I did that.
Not only have I never done anything like that before and is so not me - but also I have now given him fuel to trash my name and justify everything he has done to his family and friends - some of whom I was close with.

I guess I’m looking for answers here - I feel so ashamed . Some of my friends has said they don’t blame me due to everything he did to me - but it doesn’t excuse it.

Does anyone have any advice or comments - I need an unbiased opinion l.

Thank you
That's bad!!!
Reply 2
Original post by murphybridget
That's bad!!!

I know I did something super wrong
Original post by Anonymous
I know I did something super wrong

You really didn't. This is so difficult to read. Not because of anything you have done, but because of his actions. Just about every line of this reads like something out of a domestic abuse playbook. The derogatory language, the assaults, the intimidation, switching back to being caring but telling you that you won't find someone like him, talking of disrespecting him. It is all manipulation with the intent of exerting coercive control.

Do not be ashamed of your actions. You are the victim here and do not have anything to be ashamed of. Get this man out of your life entirely. Do not contact him at all, and do not respond to any attempts he makes to contact you. If he does try to contact you and becomes in any way aggressive, turns up at your house unannounced etc, call the police immediately. In the mean time, contact a domestic abuse charity and/or go to your GP in order to establish the support that you need to heal from this. It will take time one way or the other, but there's also a good chance that you need professional support as well.

Do also lean on your support network here as well. Your friends and family will want to be there for you. Spend time with them. Make them aware of what has happened. But the one thing you absolutely must not do is blame yourself for any of this or for your own actions in retaliating against him. You are not to blame. You are a victim. Acknowledge that, and then start on the path of moving on from him. I really hope that in time you find someone who respects you and makes you feel empowered, who loves you for your strengths and brilliance, and who doesn't seek to control you and make you feel worthless for the sake of power. You deserve so much better than your ex and a worth so much more than he made you feel.
Reply 4
Original post by Crazy Jamie
You really didn't. This is so difficult to read. Not because of anything you have done, but because of his actions. Just about every line of this reads like something out of a domestic abuse playbook. The derogatory language, the assaults, the intimidation, switching back to being caring but telling you that you won't find someone like him, talking of disrespecting him. It is all manipulation with the intent of exerting coercive control.
Do not be ashamed of your actions. You are the victim here and do not have anything to be ashamed of. Get this man out of your life entirely. Do not contact him at all, and do not respond to any attempts he makes to contact you. If he does try to contact you and becomes in any way aggressive, turns up at your house unannounced etc, call the police immediately. In the mean time, contact a domestic abuse charity and/or go to your GP in order to establish the support that you need to heal from this. It will take time one way or the other, but there's also a good chance that you need professional support as well.
Do also lean on your support network here as well. Your friends and family will want to be there for you. Spend time with them. Make them aware of what has happened. But the one thing you absolutely must not do is blame yourself for any of this or for your own actions in retaliating against him. You are not to blame. You are a victim. Acknowledge that, and then start on the path of moving on from him. I really hope that in time you find someone who respects you and makes you feel empowered, who loves you for your strengths and brilliance, and who doesn't seek to control you and make you feel worthless for the sake of power. You deserve so much better than your ex and a worth so much more than he made you feel.

Thank you for your words - I am still ashamed of what I did and hope to forgive myself

I’m just wishing I got an apology off of him but that will never happen
Original post by Anonymous
I know I did something super wrong

Don't worry that already passed.
That sounds like a toxic relationship. Red flags should have been popping off as soon as it happened. You're better off without him.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi there
I recently went through a bad breakup
We were together almost 2 years - having broken up for a few months in the middle .
The reason we broke up initially is because he shoved me and threw a bottle at me and squared up to me and my friend.
I then took him back.
Prior to this incident - he had ruined big moments in my life - he punched my bed, throw a plastic bottle and knocked my guitar over in a rage on my last day of university
And screamed at me while speeding up the car - screaming at me to tell him something that happened to me that was traumatic - while I was crying begging him to stop .
He’s repeatedly called me derogatory names - and screamed at me within inches of my face while punching himself in the face.
When we got back together in October I was in a very bad okace - and this year has been hard. I’ve had a death in the family - surgery and a sezuire within a few months.
With this he has said he has been the perfect boyfriend - saying o won’t find another boyfriend who holds doors open for me - brings me water etc .
A week after my surgery he was supposed to come visit me - the day he was - was his daughters birthday - and I told him the day before to not come as I didn’t want to take time away from his daughter - especially as he would just be coming down and us being able to not do anything - just lie in bed as I’m recovering
I thought this was the right decision - but he told me I was disrespectful as I had told him the day before - which I get but I was doing it for the right reasons - and he caused me so much stress that week
When I had my sezuire - he came down to visit me - but ended up storming out because I disrespected him. Now I snapped at him twice non aggressively which I know I shouldn’t have done but i don’t think it should’ve caused such a big reaction .
He then proceeded to tell me this was last chance .
I felt annoyed and upset because - I feel like his actions are very aggressive and don’t match up to mine
He has also repeatedly called me a liar and called me a whole bunch of names - multiple times throughout our relationship
The boiling point came the other day when I was out with friends - and accidently missed the initial time I was supposed to come back home. Only by twenty minutes - he said im dropping off the keys and going - again saying I disrespected him. I understand where he’s coming from with this because I made him wait a little longer - but I genuinely didn’t realise the time.
He then dropped the keys off and screamed at my friend who was outside with me for support
I then got black out drunk because I was so upset - never a good idea I know.
The argument continued when I got home.
He denied screaming at my friend - and throwing a bottle at me on my graduation - calling me delusional - said I had mental issues and that I was a liar
The lying thing has come ik before because I confessed to him when we first started talking I made up a lie to find something to talk to him about because I was nervous.
Still wrong I know but that lying thing has stuck in his brain and everything I say that he doesn’t like he calls me a liar.
He called me a liar so much that night I went ******* fine you win of course I lied about everything (of course this was sarcastic because I was sick of defending myself)
When he denied throwing that bottle at me - I said to him you have never truly understood how I felt that night - what it did to my mental health and how scared I was . He insisted he did know the consequences to his actions but still denied he did throw a bottle .
I snapped - all that rage I felt and all the times he called me names and screamed and threw things and stuff came back to me - and I ended up throwing a plastic bottle at him.
I then hit him .
I am so deeply ashamed .
It sounds sick but I wanted him to know how it felt - it felt like it was the only way to get through to him how scared I felt.
I am so ashamed I did that.
Not only have I never done anything like that before and is so not me - but also I have now given him fuel to trash my name and justify everything he has done to his family and friends - some of whom I was close with.
I guess I’m looking for answers here - I feel so ashamed . Some of my friends has said they don’t blame me due to everything he did to me - but it doesn’t excuse it.
Does anyone have any advice or comments - I need an unbiased opinion l.
Thank you

What is wrong with this man. He’s clearly mentally abusive and manipulative, and physically to an extent. I’ll be honest, after all that I would’ve done the complete same you’ve dealt with more than enough I’m so glad you’re out this relationship It sounds awful. There’s so much better people in the world than this.

My ex cheated on me, after stringing me along with lies and manipulation, I caved in and I punched him. He begged me not to tell people about what he did and then when I agreed he told them all that I cheated and ruined the relationship to get any badness away from him. All this destroyed me, he was my first love and we were together a year and a half, his behaviour switched up within a matter of months extremely. I’m not proud of doing that either but sometimes things get so bad that it’s the only way in the moment you can retaliate. Just because you did it once from being overwhelmed does not mean you’re a horrible physical person. As long as you recognise it was wrong and would never do that again then it’s okay. It’s not like you were abusive during the relationship like he was, you dealt with too much girl, hats off to you honestly. My rage before hitting him was the exact same, I had no other thoughts I was just so overwhelmed I had to do something. Afterwards I immediately thought what have I done, but he deserved it, and that’s what you have to remember too. He had it coming, he thought he was better than you and thought he had power over you so I think this is a brave thing to do in your situation.

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