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Could someone mark my English Language question 2?

I just really need some help, as I am doing practice questions but I don't know if my essays are improving or not.

If somebody could mark my essay (paper 1, question 2), and give feedback on it, I would REALLY appreciate it- you would be helping me out a lot.

Also, be as HARSH as you can, if it is 0/8, please say so!

The source was:
"Ugwu did not believe that anybody, not even this master he was going to live with, ate meat
every day. He did not disagree with his aunty, though, because he was too choked with
expectation, too busy imagining his new life away from the village. They had been walking
for a while now, since they got off the lorry at the motor park, and the afternoon sun burned
the back of his neck. But he did not mind. He was prepared to walk hours more in even
hotter sun. He had never seen anything like the streets that appeared after they went past
the university gates, streets so smooth and tarred that he itched to lay his cheek down on
them. He would never be able to describe to his sister Anulika how the bungalows here
were painted the colour of the sky and sat side by side like polite well-dressed men, how
the hedges separating them were trimmed so flat on top that they looked like tables
wrapped with leaves."

The question was:
"How does the writer use language here to describe Ugwu’s impression of the city?"

And my answer was:
"The writer uses a simile to portray that Ugwu is impressed by the city, so much so that it is indescribable. The writer states that
the bungalows sat "like polite well-dressed men". This simile conveys that Ugwu thinks that the buildings look very nice, and were
decorated well (suggested by the homes being "well-dressed")- however, the phrase "well-dressed men" doesn't really appear to be a good way to describe bungalows; a bungalow and a well dressed man don't have much in common. Ugwus interesting comparison, suggests that the bungalows are so amazing, that Ugwu struggles to find a comparison to it- as it is like nothing he has seen before. Futhermore, the adjective "polite", is obviously describing the bungalows in a positive way. When people are being polite, they are usually sat up straight- the fact that he is comparing the houses (which were "sat side by side") to "polite well-dressed men" suggests that the houses are well built- implying that the buildings Ugwu are used to, are not very well built; further emphasising his new, positive impression of the city.

The writer also uses personification, to show that Ugwu thinks that the city is really neat and organised. The writer states that Ugwu would never be able to describe to his sister, how all of the bungalows were "sat side by side". The personification of the bungalows sitting down, being "side by side" conveys that the city is clearly in a neat and ordered fashion. The fact that Ugwu said that he would never be able to describe this, conveys that he is so amazed and in awe, that he can't find words for it; potentially because homes in his home village weren't probably as organised as this. Additionally, the verb "sat" further emphasises how strong and well built the buildings are- Ugwu can tell that the buildings are strong, and the writer uses the verb "sat" to highlight how the building is firm and staying put. Ugwu is clearly shocked by this, suggesting that the buildings in Ugwus home village are probably not as well built, and can be damaged easily; these new, stronger buildings give Ugwu the impression that the city is really well organised, as these people who constructed the buildings planned ahead; building strong structures that won't damage easily."

Thanks!!
(edited 1 month ago)
This is good and clear but I would suggest zooming in on the key word or words in your quotes and identify what type is is to gain extra marks (eg. abstract noun, adjective). Also, you could offer an alternative interpretation if you are aiming high, for example, the ‘well-dressed men’ might suggest the author is personifying the buildings as being ‘men’ which creates a sense of liveliness. Same thing with the leaves ‘wrapped’ around the tables - it could also suggest how they have been carefully and deliberately placed :smile:
Original post by avawetherall
This is good and clear but I would suggest zooming in on the key word or words in your quotes and identify what type is is to gain extra marks (eg. abstract noun, adjective). Also, you could offer an alternative interpretation if you are aiming high, for example, the ‘well-dressed men’ might suggest the author is personifying the buildings as being ‘men’ which creates a sense of liveliness. Same thing with the leaves ‘wrapped’ around the tables - it could also suggest how they have been carefully and deliberately placed :smile:

Thanks for your response! I (hopefully) improved it just now

Additionally, what kind of mark do you think it would get out of 8?
Thanks again
(edited 1 month ago)
Original post by School_Student99
Thanks for your response! I (hopefully) improved it just now
Additionally, what kind of mark do you think it would get out of 8?
Thanks again

I’m by no means an expert as I’m in Year 12, maybe try looking for a past paper question and find a 8/8 response, but I would say a 6 or 7 :smile:

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