The Student Room Group

Am I a bad person?

My mum has some pretty bad mental health problems and drinks a lot (not like an insane amount but like 4 glasses an evening) and tst means every night at like 11 she comes downstairs to the bathroom to get ready for bed (which is right next to my room) and she always has something that has set her off like I did the washing up but not the drying up, I washed my hair too late at night, I ate an apple to loudly, I stayed up too late to revise or do homework, I forgot to put the chain on the door when I locked up. There is always something. She shouts and says some really horrible stuff like she is going to leave, she wishes we all die, she calls us swear words
Today she had a memorial for a friend who died and I forgot and I didn't ask her how it was when she came back. I know it was a horrible thing and I am a terrible person for that. But I don't know how to talk to her. I shut myself off and block out what she says.
She does so much for my family but I am so exhausted by the same thing every night for 5 years that I can't even open my heart anymore.
I cry every night and I know I did a bad thing but I do care but I can't even apologise cause I can't when she's shouting.
Am I a bad person? What do I do cause I don't know I feel helpless causr I can't be perfect I can never be and I have so much stress with a levels at I need high grades for uni but I feel like I can't breathe when I'm home and shes in the housr
But she does so much that I feel ungrateful and like I am aweful
4 glasses a day is a lot. A single bottle of wine is about 5-6 glasses. That's nearly a bottle a day!

Do you have a carer or social worker?
(edited 1 month ago)
You’ve been trying to deal with this for 5 years?
That’s a long, long time to not feel safe. This can’t go on. It’s not safe for you or your Mum.
This horrible situation is absolutely not your fault in any way.

It sounds as though your Mum has an alcohol addiction to me. It’s an illness. She will say and do things which are not normal for her when she is drunk, including being abusive to you. And she can’t stop drinking.

You can’t help your Mum, she has an illness which needs professional help. You really need help too.

Go and talk to an adult you really trust if you there is one. A relative or friend, a tutor, pastoral worker at school or college or a social worker if you have one. Do it soon.

You don’t say how old you are. If you’re under 18 and there’s no-one else to talk to, please call Childline on 0800 111 or contact them online. They are open 24/7, but you can speak for longer in the daytime.

Childline:
https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/contacting-childline/

Information on parents and alcohol:

https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/home-families/family-relationships/parents-alcohol/

If over 18, could you talk to a trusted adult? Relative or friend, college nurse, pastoral services, social worker or your GP?

Phone 999 if you’re ever in an emergency situation.
Reply 3
Original post by Anonymous
You’ve been trying to deal with this for 5 years?
That’s a long, long time to not feel safe. This can’t go on. It’s not safe for you or your Mum.
This horrible situation is absolutely not your fault in any way.
It sounds as though your Mum has an alcohol addiction to me. It’s an illness. She will say and do things which are not normal for her when she is drunk, including being abusive to you. And she can’t stop drinking.
You can’t help your Mum, she has an illness which needs professional help. You really need help too.
Go and talk to an adult you really trust if you there is one. A relative or friend, a tutor, pastoral worker at school or college or a social worker if you have one. Do it soon.
You don’t say how old you are. If you’re under 18 and there’s no-one else to talk to, please call Childline on 0800 111 or contact them online. They are open 24/7, but you can speak for longer in the daytime.
Childline:
https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/contacting-childline/
Information on parents and alcohol:
https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/home-families/family-relationships/parents-alcohol/
If over 18, could you talk to a trusted adult? Relative or friend, college nurse, pastoral services, social worker or your GP?
Phone 999 if you’re ever in an emergency situation.

She's never been physical with me ever, she just shouts she's not abusive
It is just hard.
Like she is going to counciling and she's had medication for anxiety, but it's just like I don't know how to deal with it. Like my mum is sick and I don't know how I can give anything to help.
I'm now 18 and no longer a child but I still rely on m my family and have a little sister.
My dad is at home too, but he can't do anything to help. Like he tries but he does the same thing as us and just shuts it out cause whenever u say anything it doesn't help.
I broke down one time and told her everything. She apologised and said that she was so so sorry. And I felt betrayed when she had a glass the next night. They are small glasses but it felt like a betrayal somehow even though it wasn't realky
I feel like I'm just ungrateful. My mum works so hard and to the point that she has severe backpain and is constantly sick. She is going through a lot and I feel like I can't do anything.
Original post by Anonymous
She's never been physical with me ever, she just shouts she's not abusive
It is just hard.
Like she is going to counciling and she's had medication for anxiety, but it's just like I don't know how to deal with it. Like my mum is sick and I don't know how I can give anything to help.
I'm now 18 and no longer a child but I still rely on m my family and have a little sister.
My dad is at home too, but he can't do anything to help. Like he tries but he does the same thing as us and just shuts it out cause whenever u say anything it doesn't help.
I broke down one time and told her everything. She apologised and said that she was so so sorry. And I felt betrayed when she had a glass the next night. They are small glasses but it felt like a betrayal somehow even though it wasn't realky
I feel like I'm just ungrateful. My mum works so hard and to the point that she has severe backpain and is constantly sick. She is going through a lot and I feel like I can't do anything.

Hello again. This post is a bit long, sorry in advance.

First of all, you’re absolutely not an awful person. I would say you’re a very good person. It’s clear you love your Mum deeply and that she loves you too.
You are already doing the best you can to help the family, with housework and things.
It must feel as though whatever you do, it’s never good enough.

It’s also clear your Mum is very sick but trying to get better. As you said, your Mum is a good person too and has lots to deal with.

When your Mum shouts at you, it’s the illness speaking, not the real her. The behaviour is bound to make you feel bad. Angry, disappointed, confused, sad, numb, all of those. And then guilty. Anyone normal would feel those things.

This is way too big for you to put right and it’s not your fault. Life is very unfair sometimes.

Some ideas:
Most importantly, talk to a sympathetic adult and agree some ways to try and cope.

For now, Is there a relative or family friend nearby you could stay with? Just while you’re trying to revise and take your A levels? Just to get a good night’s sleep and be able to concentrate?

Are you able to study ok at home? If not, how about at school or college, or in a local library or cafe? Do you have friends you could study with?

If you look at the Childline link I sent before, there are some groups for young people with these kinds of problems at home, in real life and online.

Would it be worth joining one? They might be able to suggest some good strategies and would understand what you’re dealing with.

Also, read the information about children whose parents drink too much, because there might be some ideas you can use.

If it makes you feel better, you could carry on with a bit of housework and so on, to help the family. Not too much, because you have revision to do.

Some young people find meditation or relaxation helps. A pastoral worker or counsellor should be able to give you some techniques.

If you’re really upset, try deep breathing. Breathe in, counting to 3. Hold your breath & count to 3. Breathe out counting to 3. Repeat until you feel calmer. Stop if you feel dizzy.

Don’t forget to try to eat healthy foods, try to have short periods of fun if possible, get short regular times of exercise and sunshine (when it’s out).

To be honest, there isn’t much you can do to change things. It’s for your parents to sort out, with professional help. And it will probably take a very long time.

Whatever the situation at home, It’s very important you eventually live your own life, are happy and get the education and independence you need. I’m sure your Mum would want this deep down.
Hello, sorry to hear what you have been going through, this page on the Mind website gives some advice on how to support someone in the situation you have described and also provides some good advice about looking after yourself: Mind
I do hope that it is useful.

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