The Student Room Group

would this get me 40/40 in eng lang 40 marker

Title: The Whispering Woods

In the heart of the moonlit forest, a dense thicket sprawled, shrouded in an eerie silence. Twisted branches clawed at the sky like skeletal fingers, casting elongated shadows that danced upon the forest floor. A lone traveler, Emma, wandered into this desolate realm, drawn by curiosity and a sense of adventure.

With each step, the underbrush seemed to grow thicker, ensnaring her in a web of gnarled roots and thorny vines. The air grew heavy with the scent of decay, and a chill crept down her spine as whispers echoed through the trees.

Lost amidst the labyrinthine paths, Emma's heart quickened with fear. Shadows flitted at the edge of her vision, and strange shapes lurked in the darkness, watching her every move. A distant howl pierced the stillness, sending shivers down her spine.

As the moon reached its zenith, Emma stumbled upon a clearing bathed in an ethereal glow. In its center stood a solitary oak, its ancient branches reaching towards the heavens like a beckoning hand. But as she approached, the ground beneath her feet gave way, plunging her into a yawning abyss.

Falling through the darkness, Emma's screams were drowned out by the cacophony of voices that echoed from the depths below. She landed amidst a sea of bones, the remnants of those who had dared to venture into the forest before her.

Desperate to escape, Emma scrambled to her feet and ran blindly through the twisted passages of the underworld. But no matter which path she chose, she found herself back at the oak tree, trapped in an endless cycle of torment.

As dawn broke on the horizon, Emma's strength waned, and her resolve faltered. With a final, despairing cry, she surrendered to the darkness, becoming just another lost soul swallowed by the whispering woods.
That’s such a cool story, I really enjoyed reading it and it would certainly get a high mark. Just a few of things I noticed that you could perhaps improve:

increase your range of punctuation :;(),.?!’’

vary your paragraph length- this was clear to me when i opened the post as the paragraphs are pretty much uniform in length, consider adding a shorter paragraph for effect

consider adding a change in tone, your story was a great read but the tone at times was relatively flat- it should try and match the events playing out to evoke emotional reaction in the reader

Whilst your vocabulary was certainly very ambitious I would be careful of it perhaps becoming problematic, last year’s examiner report for aqa said many candidates lost marks for their work becoming unclear due to incorrect and over-usage of ambitious vocabulary- whilst I understood your story well, if the examiner became lost because of this it would certainly lose you marks

try to add some interesting structural features- cyclical structure, flashbacks, flash forwards, foreshadowing etc to boost your marks and make your idea stand out


Is this written from a prompt? If so id be interested to read the prompt as unique ideas and interpretations get higher marks. Overall this seems a very focused and well planned response, good look on your exams :smile:
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Hey,
Wondering if this was a story prompt or a description? :0

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