gcse creative writing english

hi, can someone mark this for me please? (gcse english lang paper 1 mark scheme /40)
Question: Describe an occasion when you felt unsure or challenged. Focus on the thoughts and feelings you had at the time.
My shaky breaths coil through the dark air, illuminated by the artificial glow from the drooping streetlights. I look back and see you rummage through your pockets, your face an exasperated mask. You make that face when I do something wrong, I remember.
The scene shifts. I'm drowning. You laugh. I cry. The icy water rises. Bone cold tendrils in my lungs. Cold. Black.
Down.
Down.
Down.
Now you're my waiter. You take my order, smirking like a Cheshire cat in your ridiculous black suit. You're tie is crooked. I want to fix it.
I stare into your eyes: green and brown and blue and black. There's a ghost in your eyes. Her pallid face branded with ten lifetimes worth of tear stains, hollowed eyes swimming in sharp angular bones and the brutal wrinkles of heartache. Is this what I've become? A fragment of a person: spending my nights haunting my dreams with infectious heartbreak, and my days sleepwalking through the crumbling ruins of us.
I lean forward - your tie needs fixing. It's an infinitesimal shift, skeletal fingers inching towards your face and then I fall.
Wind rushes past my ears.
You do nothing.
I keep falling.
Then darkness.
I wake up, exhausted and screaming.