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can someone help mark my answer? GCSE English Language P1

Hello idk if anyone will actually see this but this is one of my first times using this app so yeah.
I’m a student who has been getting grade 8’s in English Literature in my mock exams. I have just done an English LANGUAGE paper 2 and got a Grade 7. But when I did an English Language Paper 1 in November I only just achieved a 6c.

I just did a practice paper, I don’t think i’ve written enough, but could someone please help mark it?
Mark Scheme:
https://pmt.physicsandmathstutor.com/download/English-Language/GCSE/Past-Papers/AQA/Paper-1/MS/June%202017%20MS.PDF



Sonder: the realisation that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.

Sonder is what fills me completely in this moment; head to toe. The woman at the very front of the bus, is chattering away inconsiderately loudly on the phone that her wrinkled hands clutch at, blatantly unaware that everyone else can hear her. She hasn’t taken a single glance at me, sitting at the back of the bus quietly, but i’ve heard her entire conversation on the phone to her husband about what was for tea.

And I will never hear her voice again, once my feet step back onto the pavement beyond the bus.

Reverting my eyes back to the finger-stained window of the grimy London transport, flashy logos on lined-up stores spark my attention instantly. Bold, red lettering of one shop, another which glows, written cursively in blue. Hundreds of shoes, scamper inbetween the wave of humans doing their late - very late - Christmas shopping. So many people, collectively unaware of how complex each of their individual lives were, all experiencing the same stress that December brings.

The movement of the vehicle pauses momentarily, as the new bunches of Londoners flood into the bus, each waving their bus pass in front of the tired drivers face, or carelessly, hurriedly, chucking coins onto the counter, in hopes for a seat to escape the nipping wind of winter. Most passengers, already locked down into their seats, are wrapped up in their coats and are glued to their phones, pretending to act all miserable, so that no one bothers to sits down next to them.

We pull back onto the road as drivers blare their horns, furiously, for no apparent reason. A man sits down next to me, perhaps a few years older than I am.

Sonder fills me completely, as I inspect the person beside me. His pale skin glows in the dim lights of the bus, (which need repairing) contrasting with the darkness of his jacket and jeans. He hides his blue eyes behind a wall of disinterest, as well as the black hair hanging lazily over his forehead.

His wired headphones capture my attention, tangled up into a disorganised ball before connecting to his phone plug. They work as a barrier separating him from the rest of the world…and the sheer chaos of this bus ride home from work.

I wish I had brought my headphones.
I would probably give this around 20-25 out of 40. Here are a few things I noticed when marking it:
-good tone and purpose although lacks the kind of engagement you might need for higher marks, the plot wasn’t very emotive
-some good vocabulary choices, try and push yourself to use more effective language features (I found a few but they were mostly concentrated into just one of the paragraphs and should be used consistently throughout)
-other than some repetition and good use of paragraphs there weren’t really any interesting structural features
-good varied sentence structure and attempts at varying length, try and push this further by using more variety
-nice use of a range of punctuation, again mostly towards the beginning, try and use this constantly and also I would reconsider the placement of some of the commas but that might just be my writing style
-accurate spelling throughout, push yourself to use more sophisticated vocabulary
-accurate and mostly consistent use of grammar and standard English

Hope you find this helpful, good luck with revision :smile:

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