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Could somebody please mark my AQA English Language answer?

I am revising for mocks and I just want to know if I am on the right track :smile:. Please be as brutal as you can with the marking! It is paper 1, question 2.

Extract:
"
Ove looks at the sales assistant as if he has just spoken backwards, before shaking the box again.
"But is it good, this thing?"
The assistant nods confusingly. "Yes, or, how do you mean?"
Ove sighs and starts talking slowly, articulating his words as if the only problem here is his adversary's impaired hearing.
"Is. It. Gooooooood? Is it a good computer?"
The assistant scratches his chin. "I mean... yeah... its really good... but... it depends what kind of computer you want."
Ove glares at him.
"I want a computer! A normal bloody computer!"
"

Question:
"How does the writer use language to convey Ove's views of technology and his treatment of the sales assistant?"

Answer:
"The writer uses elongation of words to present Ove's treatment of the assistant to the reader as openly rude and disrespectful. The writer states that Ove "sighs" and begins "talking slowly", saying "Is. It. Goooood?". The elongation of the word "good" is done in a rude manner, clearly portraying his treament to the assistant as disrespectful. Furthermore, Ove "sighs" before he does this. The verb "sighs" highlights how he is impatient, emphasising Ove's treatment to the assistant as disrespectful.

The writer also uses metaphors to suggest that Ove does not know much about technology. The writer states that Ove looked as the assistant as if he had just "spoken backwards". This metaphor, suggests that Ove does not understand any of the technical features of the computer; he doesn't understand what the assistant is saying- he might as well have been speaking backwards: highlighting how he doesn't know much about technology. Additionally, the writer states the Ove began "shaking the box". He also referred to the computer as a "thing". The fact that he doesn't have much knowledge on technology is highlighted, both by the fact that he wasn't worried about breaking the computer (he was shaking the box- portraying him as uncaring towards technology), and the fact that he referred to it as a "thing", further emphasising his lack of knowledge."

Thank you!!
Reply 1
Very good! I will start with what you did well: you made your point very clear, and had good language analysis to back it up. Your writing was cohesive and I never felt as if you had lost your train of thought.

Now, what to improve:

I think it would have been good to compare the attitude of the sales assistant to Ove, or at least mention him in your answer (since the question does require you to talk about Ove's 'treatment of the sales assistant')

therefore, what is the sales assistant like, and how does Ove respond to this? Of course, you say that he is 'openly rude and disrespectful', but expand on this. We know that Ove is sighing + deliberately talking slowly in order to patronise/ show his contempt towards the sales assistant, but note the behaviour of this worker. He simply "scratches his chin". The constant use of elipsis demonstrates that Ove's contempt is unreasonable, since the answer is clearly obvious (it depends on the computer).It seems that not only is Ove rude and disrespectful, he is also wrong, because the answer (as conveyed by the sales assistant) is so simple - to ask 'is it good, this thing', is a bad question. Therefore, his behaviour towards the sales assistant was unjustified, as well as rude.


In regards to the second paragraph

"as if he has just spoken backwards" is not a metaphor. The writer simply used a tool of comparison. It would be better if you said that Ove was being hyperbolic, which reinforces your point that he doesn't know much about technology, since he exaggerates in order to convey his utter confusion regarding computers.

analyse "thing" more - it is a noun which is very dismissive, there are no connotations of affection, but instead criticism or apathy. You need to mention that in your writing!


I hope this has helped - just as a round up, despite my comments (which were very nitpicky + are only to get you into those top top grades) this reads like a grade 8 answer. You have a clear point, language analysis and embedded quotes to back it up. Well done :smile:)
Original post by aloevera4
Very good! I will start with what you did well: you made your point very clear, and had good language analysis to back it up. Your writing was cohesive and I never felt as if you had lost your train of thought.
Now, what to improve:

I think it would have been good to compare the attitude of the sales assistant to Ove, or at least mention him in your answer (since the question does require you to talk about Ove's 'treatment of the sales assistant')

therefore, what is the sales assistant like, and how does Ove respond to this? Of course, you say that he is 'openly rude and disrespectful', but expand on this. We know that Ove is sighing + deliberately talking slowly in order to patronise/ show his contempt towards the sales assistant, but note the behaviour of this worker. He simply "scratches his chin". The constant use of elipsis demonstrates that Ove's contempt is unreasonable, since the answer is clearly obvious (it depends on the computer).It seems that not only is Ove rude and disrespectful, he is also wrong, because the answer (as conveyed by the sales assistant) is so simple - to ask 'is it good, this thing', is a bad question. Therefore, his behaviour towards the sales assistant was unjustified, as well as rude.


In regards to the second paragraph

"as if he has just spoken backwards" is not a metaphor. The writer simply used a tool of comparison. It would be better if you said that Ove was being hyperbolic, which reinforces your point that he doesn't know much about technology, since he exaggerates in order to convey his utter confusion regarding computers.

analyse "thing" more - it is a noun which is very dismissive, there are no connotations of affection, but instead criticism or apathy. You need to mention that in your writing!


I hope this has helped - just as a round up, despite my comments (which were very nitpicky + are only to get you into those top top grades) this reads like a grade 8 answer. You have a clear point, language analysis and embedded quotes to back it up. Well done :smile:)

Thank you so much!

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