Rate my poem - Song of lovely sorrow

parting so sour
the taste is bitter

love deathly addicting
it's power made to sway

the ache of defeat is a formidable foe
when parting is sour with bitterness in tow

the tomb of love from which I stand
made to stay like an empty hand

though I've lived there for a while
the aching stays, making it hard to smile

while all I say is true, I do not condemn love
for it's wonderful wings soar like a dove

made to soar, but not to stay
eventually the dove has to pay

this is the truth behind love
though knowing this do not falter
continue to let it soar like a dove

Reply 1

cheesybugger76

Original post by cameron.locke

parting so sour
the taste is bitter
love deathly addicting
it's power made to sway
the ache of defeat is a formidable foe
when parting is sour with bitterness in tow
the tomb of love from which I stand
made to stay like an empty hand
though I've lived there for a while
the aching stays, making it hard to smile
while all I say is true, I do not condemn love
for it's wonderful wings soar like a dove
made to soar, but not to stay
eventually the dove has to pay
this is the truth behind love
though knowing this do not falter
continue to let it soar like a dove

I think it's a really good start, maybe you could use more metaphors? Like make the lines/themes link more without reusing the same words, like a subtle link. Sorry I don't know how to describe what mean very well. But yh I like it, it reminds me a little of how do I love thee by Elizabeth Barret Browning