Feel like an academic failure, may be genuinely stupid.

I currently would be in year 13, however I am in a psychiatric hospital for now so no chance of taking A Levels (I was on track to fail them anyway). People who know me say I am intelligent but I have no evidence to prove this. I hardly attended secondary school due to severe anxiety. I went to two different specialist autism schools, after a significant amount of being dragged (physically) into mainstream. I was off school for a year (not including lockdown). My GCSEs were, as someone who has based their entire self-worth on academic success, abysmal.
Maths - 5 (foundation paper)
English language - 3
History - 4
Chemistry - 5 (took a year early but it was covid so teacher assessed, and the good science teacher left my school so I could no longer do separate science as it stopped being offered.)
Combined Science - 6/5
I started a new school (specialist also) to try and do A levels and some more GCSEs:
A level - Chemistry and History
GCSE - English Literature and Computer Science
However, I had a nervous breakdown and now am stuck in hospital. My problem is thus: On antidepressants - A lot less anxious and able to attend school, but lazy.
Off antidepressants - Much more academic proficiency and motivation/fear of failure, but too anxious to even attend school.

The real kicker is that I failed English, because I am passionate about the written word as a form of art. This makes me feel dim and if I resit it will always be down as a resit.
I currently feel as though the best option is to end my life, hence hospitalisation.
I wondered if anyone had any advice on what to do next, thinking about carrying on is unbearable. Am I less intelligent than most people because I failed English?
I can't get away from the fact that if I did A Levels now they would would always be later than most people, also this would probably have to be independent study as I would not cope in a mainstream college and I don't want to go back to my old school, as it makes me feel like a failure not being in mainstream - and the cycle continues.
There are also personal issues/mistakes affecting me mentally, but I won't get into that here.
Basically I'm looking for advice on how to accept the fact I'm not just autistic but also dumb, and it's never going away. As well as how to be educated when you have wasted years of formal education.

Reply 1

lapinacolada

Original post by icewaterforblood

I currently would be in year 13, however I am in a psychiatric hospital for now so no chance of taking A Levels (I was on track to fail them anyway). People who know me say I am intelligent but I have no evidence to prove this. I hardly attended secondary school due to severe anxiety. I went to two different specialist autism schools, after a significant amount of being dragged (physically) into mainstream. I was off school for a year (not including lockdown). My GCSEs were, as someone who has based their entire self-worth on academic success, abysmal.
Maths - 5 (foundation paper)
English language - 3
History - 4
Chemistry - 5 (took a year early but it was covid so teacher assessed, and the good science teacher left my school so I could no longer do separate science as it stopped being offered.)
Combined Science - 6/5
I started a new school (specialist also) to try and do A levels and some more GCSEs:
A level - Chemistry and History
GCSE - English Literature and Computer Science
However, I had a nervous breakdown and now am stuck in hospital. My problem is thus: On antidepressants - A lot less anxious and able to attend school, but lazy.
Off antidepressants - Much more academic proficiency and motivation/fear of failure, but too anxious to even attend school.
The real kicker is that I failed English, because I am passionate about the written word as a form of art. This makes me feel dim and if I resit it will always be down as a resit.
I currently feel as though the best option is to end my life, hence hospitalisation.
I wondered if anyone had any advice on what to do next, thinking about carrying on is unbearable. Am I less intelligent than most people because I failed English?
I can't get away from the fact that if I did A Levels now they would would always be later than most people, also this would probably have to be independent study as I would not cope in a mainstream college and I don't want to go back to my old school, as it makes me feel like a failure not being in mainstream - and the cycle continues.
There are also personal issues/mistakes affecting me mentally, but I won't get into that here.
Basically I'm looking for advice on how to accept the fact I'm not just autistic but also dumb, and it's never going away. As well as how to be educated when you have wasted years of formal education.

You're being WAY too hard on yourself. Mental health is not something that needs to be taken lightly and you wouldn't be in hospital if it's not eating away at your life. you've just got to think to yourself, would you be saying the same thing to someone that had a disrupted education due to diabetes, autoimmunity, cancer - I think your answer is probably no, so give yourself some slack.

Please forget about your education at the moment and make sure your priority is getting better and making a recovery. Education will always be there and you can go back at any time, nor will you be the only one who does that. You are still young and your health is your upmost priority.
You are not dumb, you're having what sounds like an extremely tough time. I'm sure you can get mitigating circumstances and resit the exams if needs be. I hate the idea that GCSE/A-levels grades are your end all, because trust me they really aren't. No employer is ever going to give much thought to it and will solely focus on the skill that you can bring to them. Focus on healing yourself and coming back stronger than before because thats when your path becomes clearer and the more prepared you will be to face those challenges that currently feel overwhelming.

I'm 23 soon to turn 24, life didn't go as planned for me, but I'm still here, the world didn't end when I didn't get the Alevel grades I needed for my uni course, or when I didn't get into my dream uni, or when my life got turned upside down after the pandemic and a break up with a long term partner. All of these things make you a stronger person and way more equipped to handle things. My life isn't picture perfect right now but I took 2 years out and I'm only just about to graduate with my undergrad. I still don't know what I'm going to do after I graduate and that's still OKAY.

Please don't think everything that has happened to you up until now is going to determine the rest of your life, because it won't unless you decide to prematurely end it. You realise soon enough, no one has it all together, no matter how picturesque some influencers make it look, they still have bad days like everyone else. Hardships are a part of life and you're strong enough to not let them take over you. Also when one door closes, another opens so all is not lost.

I want to emphasise this again. FORGET ABOUT YOUR GRADES. they're not a priority now, YOU are your own priority. Focus all your mental and physical strength into fighting your mental illnesses and getting better. When you are safer and healthier then there are options to explore. you can resit your English GCSE, get a tutor if needs be. You can home-school your A-levels if thats what you're comfortable with and then see where to go from there. take everything as a step. don't think about the past or the future because you can't control that. just think of the present and what you can do now.

if you're medication is impacting your life, then maybe it's time that you try something different. There are so many different types of medications prescribed for depression and anxiety so maybe ask GP to look into those. Alternatively, you can practice some mindfulness when you fell you're about to get into an anxiety attack. Focus on fixing this and hopefully, the rest will start to fall into place. Until then you're just going to be fighting the same battles.

p.s. autism does not correlate with being dumb and that should not be used as an insult at yourself. You are not dumb, you're just going through a hard time that you're going to get through.

(edited 1 year ago)

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