was I sexually assaulted?

I would really appreciate help in trying to process an event that happened a few months ago. I was in my friend's room at uni, someone I have slept with previously. I told him I need to go to the shops as I could see he's moving towards trying to kiss me etc. and I didn't want to. He dismisses it and continues to kiss me, then moves me onto the bed so that he's lying on top of me. I push him off and repeat that I need to go to the shops, and he pushes me back onto the bed. This happens a few times until he, ur, finishes on top of me with me still in all my clothes, so I had to go and change my jeans.
The thing is, each time when he pushed me back onto the bed after me pushing him off and telling him I needed to go, I kissed him back. I thought at that time he was a good friend and was worried about creating a scene or ruining our friendship.
The more I think about it, the more disgusting and violated I feel. Could it have been that I didn't make it clear enough and he thought I was just playing around? He apologised after which also confused me.
I feel so lost and I'm tying myself up in knots trying to work out if what happened was assault. Any input would really help, thank you.

Reply 1

lapinacolada

14

Original post by Anonymous

I would really appreciate help in trying to process an event that happened a few months ago. I was in my friend's room at uni, someone I have slept with previously. I told him I need to go to the shops as I could see he's moving towards trying to kiss me etc. and I didn't want to. He dismisses it and continues to kiss me, then moves me onto the bed so that he's lying on top of me. I push him off and repeat that I need to go to the shops, and he pushes me back onto the bed. This happens a few times until he, ur, finishes on top of me with me still in all my clothes, so I had to go and change my jeans.
The thing is, each time when he pushed me back onto the bed after me pushing him off and telling him I needed to go, I kissed him back. I thought at that time he was a good friend and was worried about creating a scene or ruining our friendship.
The more I think about it, the more disgusting and violated I feel. Could it have been that I didn't make it clear enough and he thought I was just playing around? He apologised after which also confused me.
I feel so lost and I'm tying myself up in knots trying to work out if what happened was assault. Any input would really help, thank you.

It sounds definitely like SA to me. He apologised so he knows that he has done something wrong and your messages were clear for him to understand that he crossed a boundary. What you do from now really depends on you. You can report him to your uni but unfortunately like most SA cases, I'm not sure how they would respond to this.

It's also normal for you to think you could have done things differently but at the time your body goes into flight/fight/freeze and will do what it thinks its safest. You were probably trying to maintain that friendship that you had with this guy, so kissing him back and saying you needed to leave may have felt like your polite/nicest way of saying no. Alternatively you could have lashed out and got a bit aggressive but you never know what that could have led to and that may have been a more dangerous outcome.

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

first of all, i'm really sorry you feel like this and i'm sorry it happened. i've been through something similar and it can really mess with your head. so, the definition of sexual assault is when someone either touches another person in a sexual manner without consent or makes another person touch them in a sexual manner without consent. that includes unwanted kissing, touching intimate parts of someones body even when they say no. the legal definition of 'sexual' depends on whether a 'reasonable person' would consider something sexual (according to the cps.gov.uk website), so i guess that specific part is up to whether you think what he did was inherently sexual (though disclaimer: it was).

you said you needed to go and you didn't want to do anything with him at that specific moment, but he didn't listen to you. some may say "but you didn't say no", you didn't say yes either. and anything other than a yes, (or the equivalent) is an automatic no. he couldn't respect your choices and the things you needed to attend to, and tbh he couldn't control himself to point where he came on your JEANS.

i do understand why you are confused though, especially knowing you kissed him back and he apologised afterwards. i don't know if i should label anything definitively, but he definitely crossed a line, and that's not okay. also, did he apologise because you brought it up to him (if u even did), or was it a case of him just apologising afterwards because he realised what he did was not okay? honestly, i'm really sorry this happened, and i'm sorry your friend wasn't able to recognise boundaries and control himself.

keep yourself safe (n drink water <3 )

was I sexually assaulted?

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