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Hi I was hoping someone could give me some feedback on this GCSE essay

I’m looking to improve my writing if anyone could give me some advice and a grade or mark out of 30 I would greatly appreciate it!! Compare how poets present conflict in Kamikaze and one other poem from ‘power and conflict’Both Kamikaze and Bayonet Charge explore the reality of conflict and its effects through unconventional soldiers who did not want to give up their lives for a futile war. Kamikaze presents the reality for Japanese men in WW2 and how if they did not complete their Kamikaze mission they were shunned and outcast from society. Whereas Bayonet Charge highlights the way soldiers were blinded from the true reality of war in WW1 until they were already there fighting and how unprepared and untrained they were to handle the situation and it ends with the soldier opening his eyes to the futility of it.When one considers how conflict is presented in Kamikaze one immediately thinks of the phrase ‘head full of powerful incantations’, ‘incantations’ have connotations of magic and spells. This emphasises the dream soldiers were being sold and how they were being terribly misguided into believing this was the best option. When in reality they were being brainwashed into completing a suicide mission and ultimately they were unlikely to each be remembered for their honorable act. Men were essentially being used as puppets to help the country in pointless conflict. The word ‘powerful’ emphasises just how intensely this propaganda was forced onto them making them sincerely believe it was their duty as men to sacrifice themselves. ‘A head full’ demonstrates how now this was soldiers' only belief that they should complete these missions and their view has been narrowed and formed into this.Bayonet charge is similar because men have also been brainwashed into fighting for the army although incredibly underprepared and untrained for the situation during WW1. They were just taught to sacrifice themselves. The phrase ‘he was running like a man who jumps up in the dark and runs’ shows how the soldier has no idea what he is really doing and is an amateur as an experienced soldier would take cover or fire his gun. This also shows how the soldiers have no power or control yet were in a position of power which is ironic. The adjective ‘dark’ shows how he was blinded from the reality of war by propaganda.In Kamikaze the soldier reminisced on his childhood when in the plane ‘remembered how he and his brothers waiting on the shore’, which lead him to the epiphany that he did not want to give up his life and the strength of love and relationships erased the ‘powerful incantations’ from his mind and finally saw clearly for the first time. He has seen through the brainwashing. Similarly in Bayonet Charge the phrase ‘king, honour, human dignity, etcetera dropped like luxuries in a yelling alarm’ highlights the realisation of this soldier and how he doesnt care for any of those things. This is the volta in the poem as he's finally understood that he doesn't want to be there. It was like his eyes suddenly opened to the truth.Both these soldiers juxtapose traditional soldiers who just fight for their countries as most see no way out and know they will be shunned and outsiders if they return home. Many soldiers are also in a deep influenced state by the lies fed to them. The writers are evoking sympathy from the audience and teaching them about the unfair treatment of men during these time periods. We do not know what happened to the soldier afterwards in Bayonet charge but Kamikaze reveals why soldiers do not turn around on their missions. When the kamikaze pilot returns home to his family who he deeply cared’about we know this otherwise he wouldn't have turned around. His wife would no longer talk to him, neither the neighbours and the children eventually learned not to either ‘till gradually we too learned to be silent’. This is the volta, he came back for his family but has lost all their respect and is socially outcast and treated as if he does not exist. Both writers were trying to frame how war and conflict ruins lives and destroys families.
Original post by maisy8
I’m looking to improve my writing if anyone could give me some advice and a grade or mark out of 30 I would greatly appreciate it!! Compare how poets present conflict in Kamikaze and one other poem from ‘power and conflict’Both Kamikaze and Bayonet Charge explore the reality of conflict and its effects through unconventional soldiers who did not want to give up their lives for a futile war. Kamikaze presents the reality for Japanese men in WW2 and how if they did not complete their Kamikaze mission they were shunned and outcast from society. Whereas Bayonet Charge highlights the way soldiers were blinded from the true reality of war in WW1 until they were already there fighting and how unprepared and untrained they were to handle the situation and it ends with the soldier opening his eyes to the futility of it.When one considers how conflict is presented in Kamikaze one immediately thinks of the phrase ‘head full of powerful incantations’, ‘incantations’ have connotations of magic and spells. This emphasises the dream soldiers were being sold and how they were being terribly misguided into believing this was the best option. When in reality they were being brainwashed into completing a suicide mission and ultimately they were unlikely to each be remembered for their honorable act. Men were essentially being used as puppets to help the country in pointless conflict. The word ‘powerful’ emphasises just how intensely this propaganda was forced onto them making them sincerely believe it was their duty as men to sacrifice themselves. ‘A head full’ demonstrates how now this was soldiers' only belief that they should complete these missions and their view has been narrowed and formed into this.Bayonet charge is similar because men have also been brainwashed into fighting for the army although incredibly underprepared and untrained for the situation during WW1. They were just taught to sacrifice themselves. The phrase ‘he was running like a man who jumps up in the dark and runs’ shows how the soldier has no idea what he is really doing and is an amateur as an experienced soldier would take cover or fire his gun. This also shows how the soldiers have no power or control yet were in a position of power which is ironic. The adjective ‘dark’ shows how he was blinded from the reality of war by propaganda.In Kamikaze the soldier reminisced on his childhood when in the plane ‘remembered how he and his brothers waiting on the shore’, which lead him to the epiphany that he did not want to give up his life and the strength of love and relationships erased the ‘powerful incantations’ from his mind and finally saw clearly for the first time. He has seen through the brainwashing. Similarly in Bayonet Charge the phrase ‘king, honour, human dignity, etcetera dropped like luxuries in a yelling alarm’ highlights the realisation of this soldier and how he doesnt care for any of those things. This is the volta in the poem as he's finally understood that he doesn't want to be there. It was like his eyes suddenly opened to the truth.Both these soldiers juxtapose traditional soldiers who just fight for their countries as most see no way out and know they will be shunned and outsiders if they return home. Many soldiers are also in a deep influenced state by the lies fed to them. The writers are evoking sympathy from the audience and teaching them about the unfair treatment of men during these time periods. We do not know what happened to the soldier afterwards in Bayonet charge but Kamikaze reveals why soldiers do not turn around on their missions. When the kamikaze pilot returns home to his family who he deeply cared’about we know this otherwise he wouldn't have turned around. His wife would no longer talk to him, neither the neighbours and the children eventually learned not to either ‘till gradually we too learned to be silent’. This is the volta, he came back for his family but has lost all their respect and is socially outcast and treated as if he does not exist. Both writers were trying to frame how war and conflict ruins lives and destroys families.

Hi, I'd probably give this response around 20/30. You've got some really good ideas and show a clear understanding of both poems, well done! One thing I'd really advise is making sure you're paragraphing, maybe it's just the way it's been typed up but structure is part of he mark scheme and an examiner is less likely to give you those high marks if it's all one block of text. Paragraphing well also really helps get your ideas in order, and can make for a better essay. Your analysis was really strong here, good work. You could also develop your analysis even more, making sure you're really delving into detail in some of your explanation and making sure you're choosing the right words to get your point across.
Reply 2
Original post by abcdefg11233
Hi, I'd probably give this response around 20/30. You've got some really good ideas and show a clear understanding of both poems, well done! One thing I'd really advise is making sure you're paragraphing, maybe it's just the way it's been typed up but structure is part of he mark scheme and an examiner is less likely to give you those high marks if it's all one block of text. Paragraphing well also really helps get your ideas in order, and can make for a better essay. Your analysis was really strong here, good work. You could also develop your analysis even more, making sure you're really delving into detail in some of your explanation and making sure you're choosing the right words to get your point across.


Ohh yes it was the way I copied it from docs. Thankyou so much for the feedback I appreciate it!! x

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