The Student Room Group

Creative Writing - english language GCSE

Can someone please mark my creative writing essay?
My exam board is Edexcel, and it is out of 40 marks.

The Bloody Souvenir


20 years.
It had been 20 years since I had last visited Agorka, my hometown. I wonder how my family are: my brother, sister, mother...

"Attention passengers! This train has reached to Agorka. Ensure to take your belongings with you," announced the train conductor.

I lifted the heavy handle of my bag, clutched it in my palms firmly and rushed to the exit. 1 minute, 2 minutes, 3 minutes, 4 minutes, it was taking forever for the train to empty! After a short wait, I was able to leave the train, leave my thoughts, and leave my worries.

After roughly 10 minutes, I reached the taxi ramp.
ZOOM! ZOOM!
Taxis drove left and right, up and down every corner of the road, yet not one stopped. Finally, a yellow taxi with a huge bright, neon-lit board stopped in my direction. I jumped in as soon as the brakes of the vehicle went stationary.

"To Teora?" I asked the driver about my street, where I once lived.

You see, I wasn't sure if the street had become extinct or not. 20 years. After all, it had been 20 years since I visited home last.

"That would be 50 denir," stated the driver nonchalantly.

The vehicle instantly zoomed within seconds to the other side of the ramp.
The speed of the vehicle wasn't enough to distract me from the chaos on the left-hand side of my window, which forced me to face the devastating view, revealing destruction on an unbearable scale: huge pits of fire, children lying injured, and the frequency of the babies' voices screaming was as loud as the sirens of the ambulance vans that had been drifting away the conflict.

Instantly my gaze shifted to the old crippling woman on the footpath. Her scarf was sunk in the colours of gory droplets pouring from her open wounds; her legs had been tormented enough to prevent her from walking further. Immediately her pace was disrupted by the length of the scarf, forcing her to drop to her knees, as her lifeless eyes caught a glimpse of the world for one last time. Her eyes shut.

I observed the corpse attentively from the window until... my heart skipped a beat.
It felt as if my whole world had been put to an end; as if the day of judgement had commenced.

It was my mother.
The old crippling woman was my mother.
All these years, I couldn't recognise her.

"S-STOP THE CAR!"
"S-SIR PLEASE! THAT IS MY MOTHER!" I yelled, stuttering to the driver.
Within seconds, my eyes had flooded a warm river, pouring down my wet cheeks.

The wheels of the vehicle immediately stopped.
SCREEECH!

"Ma'am, is everything alright?" the driver asked with a look of concern on his face.

"PLEASE LET ME OUT, MY MOTHER IS DYING!" I informatively screamed to him once more, as if he didn't understand my concern the first time.

"Ma'am, the destruction of Agorka had commenced years ago. Are you feeling alright?"

I nodded and turned to the window puzzled, but the view was different. This time, I was revealed a lifeless town.
No gunfires. No helpless people screaming. No ambulance vans. No mother.


The driver started the car again, continuing the journey; but I was still in shock.
The nature of Agorka was wiped out by the destruction.
Not a man in sight.

As I rolled the window down, a cold breeze filled the vehicle, forcing shivers.
My town had turned into a museum. Lifeless, cold-blooded buildings which had once contented, joyous, smiling faces warming the city and climate had become display ornaments.

"Teora has arrived," informed the driver calmly.

After paying the driver, leaving the car and taking my bag, I stood mobile in front of my home.
For a moment, I contemplated if I had even reached the correct address, but to my surprise it was.

The walls of home were torn.
Pillars that withstood the pressure of the roof had collapsed; smears of blood were painted, which brushed around the infrastructure completely.

I crept towards the building closer, and closer, and closer.
*Where is mum?*
*Where is brother?*
*Where is sister?*
(* = thoughts)

My mind filled with rage. 20 years. What kind of daughter had I become? And I had not seen them once.

Thoughts stopped generating in my mind when my eyes stopped to stare at the red shawl, hanging between the two cracked pillars which were collapsed on top of each other.

I reached to grab the familiar scarf.
*Why is this so familiar?*
*Oh wait, it is Mother's scarf...*
(* = thoughts)

I gripped onto the scarf and brought it closer towards my chest.

This torn scarf was all that I had left of my family.
The scarf was drenched in nausea-inducing, red blood stains. Nonetheless, it was my mother's, and as a ruthless daughter, it was my duty to treasure it.

After learning about the tragedy of my family, I had no purpose in Agorka. I returned to the city's platform.

"Attention passengers! This train will be leaving Agorka," announced the train conductor.

This devastating trip had indeed shattered my state of mind. Even though I travelled across half the globe to meet with the presence of not one, I had treasured a souvenir.
(edited 2 months ago)
Reply 1
Original post by HANIYAAAAAAAA
Can someone please mark my creative writing essay?
My exam board is Edexcel, and it is out of 40 marks.
The Bloody Souvenir

20 years.
It had been 20 years since I had last visited Agorka, my hometown. I wonder how my family are: my brother, sister, mother...
"Attention passengers! This train has reached to Agorka. Ensure to take your belongings with you," announced the train conductor.
I lifted the heavy handle of my bag, clutched it in my palms firmly and rushed to the exit. 1 minute, 2 minutes, 3 minutes, 4 minutes, it was taking forever for the train to empty! After a short wait, I was able to leave the train, leave my thoughts, and leave my worries.
After roughly 10 minutes, I reached the taxi ramp.
ZOOM! ZOOM!
Taxis drove left and right, up and down every corner of the road, yet not one stopped. Finally, a yellow taxi with a huge bright, neon-lit board stopped in my direction. I jumped in as soon as the brakes of the vehicle went stationary.
"To Teora?" I asked the driver about my street, where I once lived.
You see, I wasn't sure if the street had become extinct or not. 20 years. After all, it had been 20 years since I visited home last.
"That would be 50 denir," stated the driver nonchalantly.
The vehicle instantly zoomed within seconds to the other side of the ramp.
The speed of the vehicle wasn't enough to distract me from the chaos on the left-hand side of my window, which forced me to face the devastating view, revealing destruction on an unbearable scale: huge pits of fire, children lying injured, and the frequency of the babies' voices screaming was as loud as the sirens of the ambulance vans that had been drifting away the conflict.
Instantly my gaze shifted to the old crippling woman on the footpath. Her scarf was sunk in the colours of gory droplets pouring from her open wounds; her legs had been tormented enough to prevent her from walking further. Immediately her pace was disrupted by the length of the scarf, forcing her to drop to her knees, as her lifeless eyes caught a glimpse of the world for one last time. Her eyes shut.
I observed the corpse attentively from the window until... my heart skipped a beat.
It felt as if my whole world had been put to an end; as if the day of judgement had commenced.
It was my mother.
The old crippling woman was my mother.
All these years, I couldn't recognise her.
"S-STOP THE CAR!"
"S-SIR PLEASE! THAT IS MY MOTHER!" I yelled, stuttering to the driver.
Within seconds, my eyes had flooded a warm river, pouring down my wet cheeks.
The wheels of the vehicle immediately stopped.
SCREEECH!
"Ma'am, is everything alright?" the driver asked with a look of concern on his face.
"PLEASE LET ME OUT, MY MOTHER IS DYING!" I informatively screamed to him once more, as if he didn't understand my concern the first time.
"Ma'am, the destruction of Agorka had commenced years ago. Are you feeling alright?"
I nodded and turned to the window puzzled, but the view was different. This time, I was revealed a lifeless town.
No gunfires. No helpless people screaming. No ambulance vans. No mother.
The driver started the car again, continuing the journey; but I was still in shock.
The nature of Agorka was wiped out by the destruction.
Not a man in sight.
As I rolled the window down, a cold breeze filled the vehicle, forcing shivers.
My town had turned into a museum. Lifeless, cold-blooded buildings which had once contented, joyous, smiling faces warming the city and climate had become display ornaments.
"Teora has arrived," informed the driver calmly.
After paying the driver, leaving the car and taking my bag, I stood mobile in front of my home.
For a moment, I contemplated if I had even reached the correct address, but to my surprise it was.
The walls of home were torn.
Pillars that withstood the pressure of the roof had collapsed; smears of blood were painted, which brushed around the infrastructure completely.
I crept towards the building closer, and closer, and closer.
*Where is mum?*
*Where is brother?*
*Where is sister?*
(* = thoughts)
My mind filled with rage. 20 years. What kind of daughter had I become? And I had not seen them once.
Thoughts stopped generating in my mind when my eyes stopped to stare at the red shawl, hanging between the two cracked pillars which were collapsed on top of each other.
I reached to grab the familiar scarf.
*Why is this so familiar?*
*Oh wait, it is Mother's scarf...*
(* = thoughts)
I gripped onto the scarf and brought it closer towards my chest.
This torn scarf was all that I had left of my family.
The scarf was drenched in nausea-inducing, red blood stains. Nonetheless, it was my mother's, and as a ruthless daughter, it was my duty to treasure it.
After learning about the tragedy of my family, I had no purpose in Agorka. I returned to the city's platform.
"Attention passengers! This train will be leaving Agorka," announced the train conductor.
This devastating trip had indeed shattered my state of mind. Even though I travelled across half the globe to meet with the presence of not one, I had treasured a souvenir.

Hey this is great. For improvement, reduce some dialogue and use ambitious vocabulary, but you might be right as i do AQA. Organise your story into 5 paragraphs following the story mountain structure or in medias res and then use a flashback to gain structural technique marks.
WWW- like your punctuation, ellipsis, colon, repetition, anaphora, onomatopoeia, alliteration etc.
Reply 2
Hey, thank you for putting the time in giving me feedback. I appreciate it!
Content and Organisation - 18/24
Technical Accuracy - 12/16
Overall - 30/40

This is a very nice response. You have used several different linguistic devices such as metaphors, personification etc. I like the structural techniques you have implemented in this piece - specifically the use of a range of sentence structures and repetition. All of these successfully convey a consistently clear narrative.

However, there were occasions where confusion was present for me personally - this could be different for all examiners however. I think in 45 minutes it is very hard to write effective dialogue. In small amounts, it is certainly effective, however excessive use of dialogue does tend to cause confusion in a piece where you simply don't have enough time to fully establish your character or even check back and correct through your work! Also, the paragraphing is rather sporadic. I would suggest going back through this piece and reparagraphing it. Don't forget - a new paragraph should start when a new idea is being introduced (usually...!) Another interesting structural device you could use is isolated one sentence or one word paragraphs to place an emphasis on a theme. In this instance, the peak of the action is when the character sees her mother. An isolated adjective to describe the emotion felt in this moment would be extremely effective and allow the reader to pause and reflect on how the character is feeling. Your punctuation is generally used with effect, although a wider range could be used in order to show the examiner you know what you are doing! Before approaching the question, I suggest writing all the different marks of punctuation and ticking them off as you go. For example :;,!?" etc


From a linguistic perspective, this is again a good response. However, I would try to include some more ambitious vocabulary in your response as this is specified on the mark scheme. On the whole, the language devices used are successful, if with scope for even more throughout the piece!

Hope this helps. If you have anymore work to mark feel free to send me it. I can also give you my email and you could send it as a google doc so I can comment on specific parts as I real if this works for you!

Well done
Reply 4
Thank you for the feedback! Very helpful and I appreciate the time you put in the response. I'll be sure to adapt my writing with your advice when I practice creative writing next.

Yes please if you can, I'll send a google doc to your email.

Thanks once again!
Original post by HANIYAAAAAAAA
Thank you for the feedback! Very helpful and I appreciate the time you put in the response. I'll be sure to adapt my writing with your advice when I practice creative writing next.
Yes please if you can, I'll send a google doc to your email.
Thanks once again!

No problem!

Feel free to email me any questions you may have as well any work you have completed and I’ll mark that as soon as possible for you!

[email protected]

Quick Reply