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Realising your parents are toxic

This is a hard one because my parents obviously love and care for me and have my best interest at heart but they are incredibly toxic probably because of their emotional volatility.

I’ve only realised this since moving back in with them with my boyfriend. Unfortunately I hold a lot of their toxic traits and I can’t stand it. Here’s a few things:

1. They are highly critical of everyone, my mum always says bad stuff about my boyfriend’s mum, and so does y dad about his dad.
2. They think their way is the only way- and anyone that thinks any different is a bad person
3. They are incredibly funny with money. We pay rent to them as we moved back home to save but my dad kicks off in an unhealthy way if we forget by a few hrs - I would understand if this was a life lesson but we’ve rented with actual landlords before. He just thinks if we’ve forgotten by half a day, that we are trying to live for free and trying to ‘scrounge’
4. We are 24 and treat us like babies (because they care) but if I go out on a drive at 8pm they freak out

The worst part is my dad told us we should ‘look elsewhere to live’ because I highlighted his annoying traits and when I sincerely told him that we had because we want to feel independent him and my mum had an emotional outburst and said we ‘hated them’!

They are 60, me and my bf have both decided we need to move out for our sanity but I feel bad because they must have the best intentions but I don’t want to be like them because frankly they don’t have many friends due to their personalities
Reply 1
Original post by Anonymous
This is a hard one because my parents obviously love and care for me and have my best interest at heart but they are incredibly toxic probably because of their emotional volatility.
I’ve only realised this since moving back in with them with my boyfriend. Unfortunately I hold a lot of their toxic traits and I can’t stand it. Here’s a few things:
1. They are highly critical of everyone, my mum always says bad stuff about my boyfriend’s mum, and so does y dad about his dad.
2. They think their way is the only way- and anyone that thinks any different is a bad person
3. They are incredibly funny with money. We pay rent to them as we moved back home to save but my dad kicks off in an unhealthy way if we forget by a few hrs - I would understand if this was a life lesson but we’ve rented with actual landlords before. He just thinks if we’ve forgotten by half a day, that we are trying to live for free and trying to ‘scrounge’
4. We are 24 and treat us like babies (because they care) but if I go out on a drive at 8pm they freak out
The worst part is my dad told us we should ‘look elsewhere to live’ because I highlighted his annoying traits and when I sincerely told him that we had because we want to feel independent him and my mum had an emotional outburst and said we ‘hated them’!
They are 60, me and my bf have both decided we need to move out for our sanity but I feel bad because they must have the best intentions but I don’t want to be like them because frankly they don’t have many friends due to their personalities

here are some pieces of advice that might help:
1. **Set Boundaries**: Clearly communicate your boundaries with your parents. Let them know what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. Be firm but respectful.
2. **Focus on Yourself**: Work on breaking the cycle of toxicity by recognizing and addressing your own toxic traits. Therapy or self-help resources can be beneficial.
3. **Stay Independent**: Moving out is a great step toward independence. It will give you and your boyfriend space to grow and develop your own lives away from the toxicity.
4. **Maintain Distance**: Once you move out, maintain some distance from your parents if their behavior continues to affect you negatively. This doesn't mean cutting them off completely, but limit interactions if needed.
5. **Seek Support**: Surround yourself with supportive friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide emotional support and guidance during this transition.
6. **Focus on the Positive**: While it's important to acknowledge the negatives, also focus on the positive aspects of your relationship with your parents and any progress they make.
7. **Lead by Example**: Show your parents what healthy boundaries and communication look like by practicing them yourself.
Remember, it's okay to prioritize your own well-being, even if it means creating some distance from your parents. You deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life.
Original post by Anonymous
This is a hard one because my parents obviously love and care for me and have my best interest at heart but they are incredibly toxic probably because of their emotional volatility.
I’ve only realised this since moving back in with them with my boyfriend. Unfortunately I hold a lot of their toxic traits and I can’t stand it. Here’s a few things:
1. They are highly critical of everyone, my mum always says bad stuff about my boyfriend’s mum, and so does y dad about his dad.
2. They think their way is the only way- and anyone that thinks any different is a bad person
3. They are incredibly funny with money. We pay rent to them as we moved back home to save but my dad kicks off in an unhealthy way if we forget by a few hrs - I would understand if this was a life lesson but we’ve rented with actual landlords before. He just thinks if we’ve forgotten by half a day, that we are trying to live for free and trying to ‘scrounge’
4. We are 24 and treat us like babies (because they care) but if I go out on a drive at 8pm they freak out
The worst part is my dad told us we should ‘look elsewhere to live’ because I highlighted his annoying traits and when I sincerely told him that we had because we want to feel independent him and my mum had an emotional outburst and said we ‘hated them’!
They are 60, me and my bf have both decided we need to move out for our sanity but I feel bad because they must have the best intentions but I don’t want to be like them because frankly they don’t have many friends due to their personalities

Bring up the rent issue vs the driving issue, about how they treat you like babies, "if I cant go on a drive after 8pm am i really old enough to pay rent" that will get their cogs turning!
Reply 3
Original post by Matadd
here are some pieces of advice that might help:
1. **Set Boundaries**: Clearly communicate your boundaries with your parents. Let them know what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. Be firm but respectful.
2. **Focus on Yourself**: Work on breaking the cycle of toxicity by recognizing and addressing your own toxic traits. Therapy or self-help resources can be beneficial.
3. **Stay Independent**: Moving out is a great step toward independence. It will give you and your boyfriend space to grow and develop your own lives away from the toxicity.
4. **Maintain Distance**: Once you move out, maintain some distance from your parents if their behavior continues to affect you negatively. This doesn't mean cutting them off completely, but limit interactions if needed.
5. **Seek Support**: Surround yourself with supportive friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide emotional support and guidance during this transition.
6. **Focus on the Positive**: While it's important to acknowledge the negatives, also focus on the positive aspects of your relationship with your parents and any progress they make.
7. **Lead by Example**: Show your parents what healthy boundaries and communication look like by practicing them yourself.
Remember, it's okay to prioritize your own well-being, even if it means creating some distance from your parents. You deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Thank you v much, agree on all of these however setting boundaries with my parents is a very difficult task when they are so emotional & see everything as a personal attack.

When I told them my boyfriend & were merely looking at moving out, it was faced with well I hope you don’t tell people we kicked you out what have we done wrong, you hate us’ ‘you’re not gonna find a better rental deal than here’ oh and we didn’t want you back in the first place and ‘this time your boyfriends parents can help you move out cos we won’t this time’

I guess if you knew my parents you’d know. But setting boundaries will probably be me moving out and like you say limiting contact so they learn that I am a grown adult!
Reply 4
Original post by Anonymous
This is a hard one because my parents obviously love and care for me and have my best interest at heart but they are incredibly toxic probably because of their emotional volatility.
I’ve only realised this since moving back in with them with my boyfriend. Unfortunately I hold a lot of their toxic traits and I can’t stand it. Here’s a few things:
1. They are highly critical of everyone, my mum always says bad stuff about my boyfriend’s mum, and so does y dad about his dad.
2. They think their way is the only way- and anyone that thinks any different is a bad person
3. They are incredibly funny with money. We pay rent to them as we moved back home to save but my dad kicks off in an unhealthy way if we forget by a few hrs - I would understand if this was a life lesson but we’ve rented with actual landlords before. He just thinks if we’ve forgotten by half a day, that we are trying to live for free and trying to ‘scrounge’
4. We are 24 and treat us like babies (because they care) but if I go out on a drive at 8pm they freak out
The worst part is my dad told us we should ‘look elsewhere to live’ because I highlighted his annoying traits and when I sincerely told him that we had because we want to feel independent him and my mum had an emotional outburst and said we ‘hated them’!
They are 60, me and my bf have both decided we need to move out for our sanity but I feel bad because they must have the best intentions but I don’t want to be like them because frankly they don’t have many friends due to their personalities

Your parents will love and care about you but it seems fairly clear that they want their house to themselves. There is a world of difference sharing your home with your teenage children to sharing it with an adult couple, one of whom they are not related to. Some parents love having adult children live with them, but many would prefer a relationship with more independent adult children. They are unlikely to change, and frankly there is no reason why they should in their own home. There are clearly bits of their behaviour/personalities that you don't want copy in your own life, and by identifying them as you have, it should be easy to avoid those "mistakes".
Best of luck in finding your own place. Hopefully your relationship with your parents will get easier ,
Reply 5
Original post by marple
Your parents will love and care about you but it seems fairly clear that they want their house to themselves. There is a world of difference sharing your home with your teenage children to sharing it with an adult couple, one of whom they are not related to. Some parents love having adult children live with them, but many would prefer a relationship with more independent adult children. They are unlikely to change, and frankly there is no reason why they should in their own home. There are clearly bits of their behaviour/personalities that you don't want copy in your own life, and by identifying them as you have, it should be easy to avoid those "mistakes".
Best of luck in finding your own place. Hopefully your relationship with your parents will get easier ,
it’s the opposite actually- in my post I mention their reaction when we told them we were looking elsewhere. They were distraught and said we must ‘hate them’
Reply 6
Sounds like it’s time to fly the nest permanently. You can appreciate your parents finer points better if you only see them from time to time

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