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Mark my English Language paper1 Q5 please and thank you

I wont be seeing my English teacher for a while so I cant get this marked so can some one please mark it out of 40 for me .
The question is "write a story about discovering something", the exam board is AQA and it is Language paper 1 question 5. I know my writing isn't very good but I want to see exactly how bad it is.






Buzz. The light flickered over him.

The flickering and buzz of the light was similar to a fly trap, it gave the corridor an uneasy feeling making Tom feel like a fly inevitably being dragged towards the light. He had walked every inch of the library, gone through this corridor a million times, seen every nook and cranny but yet the light and the chills the corridor gave him was new.

It was the only new thing about the library he had experienced for a while; his daily routine was as monotonous as it could get, consisting of grabbing layers of paper with text on them and placing them on shelfs. Over and over and over again. This was the most excitement he had felt in years. He knew something was about to happen. He knew everything was about to change. He knew this will be his last time in the library. His mind was finally awake, his eyes dilated to the size of a football like a predator spotting prey. With a grin appearing on his face he took a step then another, soon he was sprinting.

Yes. It was what Tom thought it was ;what was just a blurred splurge of brown at the end of the corridor soon came into focus. The blurred splurge had transformed into a rotting box of wood. There was moss seeping through its cracks trying to escape the contents of the box and move into the open space.

His palms started to sweat and his legs started to shiver. Suddenly, his hands jolted towards the box as if his life depended on it. Instinctively, he held his breath while opening the box.

Bugs sprawled out, retreating for their life, even they knew the contents of the box was Toms. Tom didn’t waste a second looking at the bugs that now covered his body. He was caught in a hypnotic trance. Because he could see gold!

Buzz. The gold glinted in the flickering light.
(edited 2 months ago)
First of all, this piece is certainly not bad! In fact, it is a rather well crafted piece. You kept the storyline very short and simple which in this exam is crucial. Some students try to create an entire novel in 45 minutes and it simply doesn't work! I will break my evaluation of your work down into two sections - language and structure.

Language -
You have used several different devices throughout, including similes, metaphors and personification. However, a lot of the time they were rather basic and phrases that are typical. Try to be more ambitious and creative with these, as they will certainly make the examiner think you are a standout student! Also, you effectively used hyperbole to create a more interesting tone for the reader which was well received. There were a few moments where the sentence openers felt a little repetitive, often beginning with a pronoun or "Tom". Towards the end, however, there was much wider vocab being used to begin the sentence, such as the adverbs you used. To improve, I would try to consider changing the structure of your sentence to ensure it doesn't read too similarly. On the whole, I think an improvement in vocabulary is needed as this is mentioned on the mark scheme specifically. This typically is easier if you go back through your work after you have written it and change any words that appear weak
To recap:

More language devices (similes etc.)

Varied sentence openers

More ambitious vocabulary


Structure -
I liked the way in which you structured this piece. The paragraphs were organised in a very clear manner which helped with the way the piece was read. There was maybe more scope for a more abstract structure, such as a one word or one sentence paragraph to highlight the main theme or emotion. I also noticed that you used a cyclical structure in this piece which is very effective and brings the writing to a close very nicely. You very effectively used different sentence structures, shorter sentences being used to create suspense for the reader. To improve, I would try to add a little more interest into your sentence structure when they begin to get longer. It feels as though when sentences exceed two clauses, the content becomes a little jumbled. Nothing that impacts the flow, but I think you might just rush into writing a longer sentence and get a little carried away. This is easily corrected once you know that is the case! Finally, you only used exclamation marks and a semicolon in this piece as far as I can remember. It is best to use a wider array of punctuation to show the examiner that you actually know how to! I would recommend writing a list of all the marks of punctuation at the top of your paper and tick them off as you go to help you remember to include them all!
To recap:

More exploratory paragraphing

Revise longer sentence structure

Wider range of punctuation


Content and Organisation - 17/24
Technical Accuracy - 11/16
Overall - 28/40

Very well done! If you would like to submit anymore work then feel free to do so. I would advise sending me a message if this is the case so you can get my email and send it on google docs - this way I can comment on specific parts as I read through. However, if you are unable to or would prefer not to, I am more than happy to give you similar analysis on your work as I have done here!

George
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Thank you for the feedback

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