The Student Room Group

GF pretty much stopped Oral

So I’ve been with my Gf for a year and a month. She only gives oral during intercourse now, or right at the end if im not gonna finish inside her. When we first dated and a while thereafter, she would give oral in exchange for oral, or sometimes even before sex to completion and then we’d have sex after. Sometimes she’d just give it when I asked her like before we went out to a show or dinner. I never got the impression that she loved to give head, sometimes I’d have to convey to her why I felt like it was important to me to receive it, I also explained that to have to like even explain why I needed it felt emasculating. To me it seems like common sense why, like regular maintenance. I do everything for this woman, and I don’t do it with the expectation of oral, I do it genuinely because to make her happy makes me happy. Although I do in general expect to be pleased in that way, if that makes sense. She’s said that for the first while she was afraid that if she didn’t give me head I would reject her, and that her honest feelings about it was that she hasn’t ever enjoyed it, just dolled it out fearing I may leave her if she didn’t. I really do not want to leave her, I love this woman tremendously. But it feels like now she almost loves me so much and is so confident that I love her, that she won’t give me head? Sounds backwards to me tbh. And now it’s like damn, I’m my head I’m thinking that she’d give head to the last guy or the next guy she’s in a relationship for a short time, but not me, the man she often says she wants to marry. We speak about our future often, we both want to have a family one day and I’d like to have it with this woman. I’m trying to look at the bigger picture here, at what I truly want in life, but I find myself becoming seriously jaded at times because of this problem. I still treat this woman very well, I’m a gentleman, I love to take her out and make her laugh and I’m a master of sentiment. I’m an artist (painter/musician) so I’m keen to make her something meaningful, and when I do I really mean it. I’m also a firefighter, I make a good salary and can afford to gift her more material things as well and she likes both. She cleans, does laundry, cooks, organizes, all great feminine qualities I like to have in a partner. But sometimes I feel like I’d rather live in a dilapidated shithole sleeping on a pile of dirty laundry with a girl who’d suck me lol. I don’t feel that way often though, just when I’m horny af. There’s times when I think about getting it elsewhere and that scares the **** out of me, I don’t like to feel that way nor do I want to but I just feel neglected in some sense. At this rate we have sex 2-4 times a month which I feel like isn’t bad, but not great either. And if this is a trend by the time we hit 5 years what then, sex twice a year and no head? I’ll blow my brains out tbh. Idk, I feel like I can live without it at the rate it’s at now. But it’s still something that will bother me in some way. Idk this **** has me pretty ****ed up right now, am I wrong for thinking any of this? Am I just a pig? Lol. My dad was/is, maybe it’s in the blood. I just need opinions.
Original post by linguistic-disci
Am I just a pig?


Well, you know what they say. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to.
I'm not going to say you're a pig, but the problem is definitely with you. First of all, it's important for me to say that I understand where you're coming from here. In most relationships one person has a higher sex drive than the other person, and it's usually the guy. That might not be apparent early on in a relationship, but within a year or two people settle into their own sex drives and not the ones that are artificially inflated due to the excitement of the new relationship. You can't avoid that. It happens in every relationship, and unless couples have sex drives that are the same or very similar, it can cause issues like this. So this situation is, in the round, not unusual, and I have absolutely been there. So I do understand, and I've had the mindset myself of whether or not me and my wife not having as much sex as I would like is indicative of wider problems in the relationship. It never has been; that's always been fatalist thinking on my part that I left behind a little while ago, but it chimes a bit with the thoughts that you've had.
So yes, I understand where you're coming from. But as I say, the problem is still you. And one of the main reasons for that is this sense of entitlement. Your post really, really drips with a sense of entitlement. And not only is that damaging in the round, it's also a massive turnoff. You already know that your girlfriend does not like to give you oral, and giving her the impression that you expect it from her isn't going to help that. Sex lives are obviously not all about getting exactly what you want all the time. Like the wider relationship, they involve compromise and that does include one person doing something they might not fully enjoy or be turned on by so that the other person can enjoy it. And there's nothing wrong with that. But in the context of a wider issue where you're lamenting how little you get blowjobs nowadays, you need to recognise this issue for what it is.
The reality is that you do not need blowjobs. At all. And you're definitely not entitled to them. Feel free to ask for them, and your girlfriend may give them, but if you want that to happen it needs to be because it's something she wants to do for you, and not something that you expect from her. It's the same with the frequency. Having sex 2-4 times a month isn't unusual for a long term relationship, but if you want to increase the frequency you need to increase her desire, and you do that by being a better partner. And definitely not by having the mindset of "I do x and y so you should give me a blowjob". That mindset is the exact opposite of what you need. I'd really recommend reading some books on this, or listening to podcasts like Dirty Mother Pucka. Actually listen to what women in long term relationships and marriages say about libido, and that will give you a better understanding of what you need to do in order to not only get more sex, but to get your girlfriend to want more sex. In short, it comes down to meeting her needs within the relationship, which you're almost certainly not doing right now because you have this very basic mindset of "I earn money and am artistic, so that must equal sex and blowjobs". I cannot stress enough that that is not how it works. And I do sympathise, because it's taken me years to realise this myself, but if you carry on with this mindset your girlfriend is not going to be happy, nor are you going to get what you want. Abandon the sense of entitlement. Figure out what your girlfriend needs from you (in the relationship, not in sex terms), and you will almost certainly get more sex as a result. But it is very much you that needs to put the work in with that. As I say, read into this and listen to some podcasts. Challenge your mindset and work at this, and hopefully you'll get your reward as a result.
Commiserations to this woman.

Jamie’s advice is thoughtful and spot-on as always.
Original post by crazy jamie
Well, you know what they say. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to.

I'm not going to say you're a pig, but the problem is definitely with you. First of all, it's important for me to say that I understand where you're coming from here. In most relationships one person has a higher sex drive than the other person, and it's usually the guy. That might not be apparent early on in a relationship, but within a year or two people settle into their own sex drives and not the ones that are artificially inflated due to the excitement of the new relationship. You can't avoid that. It happens in every relationship, and unless couples have sex drives that are the same or very similar, it can cause issues like this. So this situation is, in the round, not unusual, and I have absolutely been there. So I do understand, and I've had the mindset myself of whether or not me and my wife not having as much sex as I would like is indicative of wider problems in the relationship. It never has been; that's always been fatalist thinking on my part that I left behind a little while ago, but it chimes a bit with the thoughts that you've had.

So yes, I understand where you're coming from. But as I say, the problem is still you. And one of the main reasons for that is this sense of entitlement. Your post really, really drips with a sense of entitlement. And not only is that damaging in the round, it's also a massive turnoff. You already know that your girlfriend does not like to give you oral, and giving her the impression that you expect it from her isn't going to help that. Sex lives are obviously not all about getting exactly what you want all the time. Like the wider relationship, they involve compromise and that does include one person doing something they might not fully enjoy or be turned on by so that the other person can enjoy it. And there's nothing wrong with that. But in the context of a wider issue where you're lamenting how little you get blowjobs nowadays, you need to recognise this issue for what it is.

The reality is that you do not need blowjobs. At all. And you're definitely not entitled to them. Feel free to ask for them, and your girlfriend may give them, but if you want that to happen it needs to be because it's something she wants to do for you, and not something that you expect from her. It's the same with the frequency. Having sex 2-4 times a month isn't unusual for a long term relationship, but if you want to increase the frequency you need to increase her desire, and you do that by being a better partner. And definitely not by having the mindset of "I do x and y so you should give me a blowjob". That mindset is the exact opposite of what you need. I'd really recommend reading some books on this, or listening to podcasts like Dirty Mother Pucka. Actually listen to what women in long term relationships and marriages say about libido, and that will give you a better understanding of what you need to do in order to not only get more sex, but to get your girlfriend to want more sex. In short, it comes down to meeting her needs within the relationship, which you're almost certainly not doing right now because you have this very basic mindset of "I earn money and am artistic, so that must equal sex and blowjobs". I cannot stress enough that that is not how it works. And I do sympathise, because it's taken me years to realise this myself, but if you carry on with this mindset your girlfriend is not going to be happy, nor are you going to get what you want. Abandon the sense of entitlement. Figure out what your girlfriend needs from you (in the relationship, not in sex terms), and you will almost certainly get more sex as a result. But it is very much you that needs to put the work in with that. As I say, read into this and listen to some podcasts. Challenge your mindset and work at this, and hopefully you'll get your reward as a result.


Thank you! I definitely hear what you are saying, I’m self aware of that for sure. Even just getting a single 2nd opinion on this is extremely comforting. My only other long term relationship was with my high school girlfriend and since then it’s just been little flings of a few months or so, perhaps I became spoiled. I’m 28 M. I’m trying to look at the big picture here too and mature in a way toward achieving that. I appreciate you sharing your opinion and experience with that. Thanks again.
(edited 2 months ago)
Original post by linguistic-disci
Thank you! I definitely hear what you are saying, I’m self aware of that for sure. Even just getting a single 2nd opinion on this is extremely comforting. My only other long term relationship was with my high school girlfriend and since then it’s just been little flings of a few months or so, perhaps I became spoiled. I’m 28 M. I’m trying to look at the big picture here too and mature in a way toward achieving that. I appreciate you sharing your opinion and experience with that. Thanks again.

It's really encouraging that you've taken by advice in the spirit that it was intended. As I say, this is a process that I've gone through myself to some degree. It's not easy and it takes time, but if you get it right you'll both be happier for it. I really do wish you the best of luck.
Original post by Crazy Jamie
It's really encouraging that you've taken by advice in the spirit that it was intended. As I say, this is a process that I've gone through myself to some degree. It's not easy and it takes time, but if you get it right you'll both be happier for it. I really do wish you the best of luck.

I’m open minded on this, in reality I have very little experience in long term relationships. Sometimes I get hung up on things that shouldn’t matter much but in times they seem to. Again I really appreciate your input. I truly care for this girl and this relationship and it seems I’ve behaved in a way that is perhaps unbecoming. I will work on this. I really needed the honesty of your response.
Reply 6
Original post by linguistic-disci
So I’ve been with my Gf for a year and a month. She only gives oral during intercourse now, or right at the end if im not gonna finish inside her. When we first dated and a while thereafter, she would give oral in exchange for oral, or sometimes even before sex to completion and then we’d have sex after. Sometimes she’d just give it when I asked her like before we went out to a show or dinner. I never got the impression that she loved to give head, sometimes I’d have to convey to her why I felt like it was important to me to receive it, I also explained that to have to like even explain why I needed it felt emasculating. To me it seems like common sense why, like regular maintenance. I do everything for this woman, and I don’t do it with the expectation of oral, I do it genuinely because to make her happy makes me happy. Although I do in general expect to be pleased in that way, if that makes sense. She’s said that for the first while she was afraid that if she didn’t give me head I would reject her, and that her honest feelings about it was that she hasn’t ever enjoyed it, just dolled it out fearing I may leave her if she didn’t. I really do not want to leave her, I love this woman tremendously. But it feels like now she almost loves me so much and is so confident that I love her, that she won’t give me head? Sounds backwards to me tbh. And now it’s like damn, I’m my head I’m thinking that she’d give head to the last guy or the next guy she’s in a relationship for a short time, but not me, the man she often says she wants to marry. We speak about our future often, we both want to have a family one day and I’d like to have it with this woman. I’m trying to look at the bigger picture here, at what I truly want in life, but I find myself becoming seriously jaded at times because of this problem. I still treat this woman very well, I’m a gentleman, I love to take her out and make her laugh and I’m a master of sentiment. I’m an artist (painter/musician) so I’m keen to make her something meaningful, and when I do I really mean it. I’m also a firefighter, I make a good salary and can afford to gift her more material things as well and she likes both. She cleans, does laundry, cooks, organizes, all great feminine qualities I like to have in a partner. But sometimes I feel like I’d rather live in a dilapidated shithole sleeping on a pile of dirty laundry with a girl who’d suck me lol. I don’t feel that way often though, just when I’m horny af. There’s times when I think about getting it elsewhere and that scares the **** out of me, I don’t like to feel that way nor do I want to but I just feel neglected in some sense. At this rate we have sex 2-4 times a month which I feel like isn’t bad, but not great either. And if this is a trend by the time we hit 5 years what then, sex twice a year and no head? I’ll blow my brains out tbh. Idk, I feel like I can live without it at the rate it’s at now. But it’s still something that will bother me in some way. Idk this **** has me pretty ****ed up right now, am I wrong for thinking any of this? Am I just a pig? Lol. My dad was/is, maybe it’s in the blood. I just need opinions.

I'm not going to make any apologies for what I need to say about this situation regarding anyone's partner they've been together in a serious relationship for a long enough time to actually know each other better than anyone else even better than they know themselves especially if there are true genuine feelings between them especially when it's involving intimacy on every level you should be able to be more than willing and wanting to keep your partner satisfied in the bedroom department especially as I am in a serious relationship with my partner for 8 years now and we're both all too willing to please each other's needs and desires and putting all our efforts into keeping them very happy and satisfied with my performance and vice versa and 8 years down the line we're both still as rampant as we were when we first met each other and what makes it even more special and mind blowing is the feelings we have for each other and what perfect compatibility and a natural connection we have between us both is what keeps us going so many years later I would do anything for my boyfriend and he is always more than happy to please me in every way possible if she is reluctant to do such a minor part of being in a relationship with a person she says she loves there wouldn't be any issues in the bedroom department at all and I'm so sorry to be harsh but I don't think it is going to be a long lasting relationship if you're feeling this way and she still doesn't want to be as giving as you are I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who is reluctant to compromise at least
Original post by Nessieb83
I'm not going to make any apologies for what I need to say about this situation regarding anyone's partner they've been together in a serious relationship for a long enough time to actually know each other better than anyone else even better than they know themselves especially if there are true genuine feelings between them especially when it's involving intimacy on every level you should be able to be more than willing and wanting to keep your partner satisfied in the bedroom department especially as I am in a serious relationship with my partner for 8 years now and we're both all too willing to please each other's needs and desires and putting all our efforts into keeping them very happy and satisfied with my performance and vice versa and 8 years down the line we're both still as rampant as we were when we first met each other and what makes it even more special and mind blowing is the feelings we have for each other and what perfect compatibility and a natural connection we have between us both is what keeps us going so many years later I would do anything for my boyfriend and he is always more than happy to please me in every way possible if she is reluctant to do such a minor part of being in a relationship with a person she says she loves there wouldn't be any issues in the bedroom department at all and I'm so sorry to be harsh but I don't think it is going to be a long lasting relationship if you're feeling this way and she still doesn't want to be as giving as you are I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who is reluctant to compromise at least


Counterpoint: She’s made it clear that she doesn’t like giving bj’s, and our man here can quickly get over it with a bit of empathy.
Reply 8
Can you speak with her about how it makes you feel? Maybe limiting the amount of time she’s doing the deed? SUcking for a short time instead of having it crammed into her mouth until she gags?

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