The Student Room Group

feedback on descriptive writing.

I got given a picture for my English mock, and it was an image of a man walking a dog through a forest in Autumn. Could I please have some feedback on my response, and help on how to improve?
(it's out of 40 marks)

The fresh morning sun arose as the trees danced in the brisk breeze, whilst their cracking leaves rushed around the ground, in their suits of red and gold. No longer does green dwell in the trees. It seems the entire world is on fire. The bright yellow has mingled with the orange to create small flames, flickering from the branches of trees. They fall to the ground and ignite the earth.

The symphony of nature, unfolding before your ears. The rustling leaves, whispering in the gentle breeze, creating a melody. The chirping birds engage in a lively conversation. It’s like watching a painting come to life when the dog walks through the autumn air. The leaves crunching beneath their paws, creating a symphony of sounds, echoing through the tranquil air. The colours of autumn paint the beautiful backdrop as the dog’s tail wags with excitement and pure joy. The warm hues of autumn kissing the dog’s fur as it shines under the gentle sunlight peeking through the canopy of trees. It’s a moment frozen in time, where nature’s beauty and the dog’s happiness intertwine harmoniously.

The earthly aroma of fallen leaves and a mix of dampness and nostalgia is carried through the air, blessing our noses as they meet. There is a hint of crispiness in the air, like a promise of cozy evenings by the fireplace. These scents create a warm and comforting atmosphere. It’s a symphony of smells that dances through the breeze, that welcomes you into the season with open arms.

The day comes to an end, the hues of orange, pink and gold bend together, casting a warm glow over the landscape. As the sun dips, the sky transforms into a canvas of breathtaking colours, reflecting off the clouds in a mesmerising display. The fading light creates long shadows and silhouettes of trees, adding a touch of magic to the evening. It's a moment of tranquillity of beauty, where nature shines bright, before the night takes over.
Reply 1
Original post by cannoo
I got given a picture for my English mock, and it was an image of a man walking a dog through a forest in Autumn. Could I please have some feedback on my response, and help on how to improve?
(it's out of 40 marks)
The fresh morning sun arose as the trees danced in the brisk breeze, whilst their cracking leaves rushed around the ground, in their suits of red and gold. No longer does green dwell in the trees. It seems the entire world is on fire. The bright yellow has mingled with the orange to create small flames, flickering from the branches of trees. They fall to the ground and ignite the earth.
The symphony of nature, unfolding before your ears. The rustling leaves, whispering in the gentle breeze, creating a melody. The chirping birds engage in a lively conversation. It’s like watching a painting come to life when the dog walks through the autumn air. The leaves crunching beneath their paws, creating a symphony of sounds, echoing through the tranquil air. The colours of autumn paint the beautiful backdrop as the dog’s tail wags with excitement and pure joy. The warm hues of autumn kissing the dog’s fur as it shines under the gentle sunlight peeking through the canopy of trees. It’s a moment frozen in time, where nature’s beauty and the dog’s happiness intertwine harmoniously.
The earthly aroma of fallen leaves and a mix of dampness and nostalgia is carried through the air, blessing our noses as they meet. There is a hint of crispiness in the air, like a promise of cozy evenings by the fireplace. These scents create a warm and comforting atmosphere. It’s a symphony of smells that dances through the breeze, that welcomes you into the season with open arms.
The day comes to an end, the hues of orange, pink and gold bend together, casting a warm glow over the landscape. As the sun dips, the sky transforms into a canvas of breathtaking colours, reflecting off the clouds in a mesmerising display. The fading light creates long shadows and silhouettes of trees, adding a touch of magic to the evening. It's a moment of tranquillity of beauty, where nature shines bright, before the night takes over.

This is really good!! Your descriptions are very vivid, they describe all the senses and I felt happy and pleasant when I read it. Here are a few things you could improve on :
1) It seems the entire world is on fire. Change this to 'It seems as though the entire world is on fire.' But I also felt that this sentence has a bit of a negative connotation while the atmosphere you are trying to portray is optimistic and peaceful. So maybe try and portray that the fire is contributing to a pleasant atmosphere.
2) These scents create a warm and comforting atmosphere. I don't think you need to say this as the reader is supposed to feel these things without you telling them directly. Show, don't tell, as you do for most of your description :😀
3) Crunching beneath their paws. Its instead of their.

Great job! I loved reading this. All the best and hope this helped.
Reply 2
Original post by cannoo
I got given a picture for my English mock, and it was an image of a man walking a dog through a forest in Autumn. Could I please have some feedback on my response, and help on how to improve?
(it's out of 40 marks)
The fresh morning sun arose as the trees danced in the brisk breeze, whilst their cracking leaves rushed around the ground, in their suits of red and gold. No longer does green dwell in the trees. It seems the entire world is on fire. The bright yellow has mingled with the orange to create small flames, flickering from the branches of trees. They fall to the ground and ignite the earth.
The symphony of nature, unfolding before your ears. The rustling leaves, whispering in the gentle breeze, creating a melody. The chirping birds engage in a lively conversation. It’s like watching a painting come to life when the dog walks through the autumn air. The leaves crunching beneath their paws, creating a symphony of sounds, echoing through the tranquil air. The colours of autumn paint the beautiful backdrop as the dog’s tail wags with excitement and pure joy. The warm hues of autumn kissing the dog’s fur as it shines under the gentle sunlight peeking through the canopy of trees. It’s a moment frozen in time, where nature’s beauty and the dog’s happiness intertwine harmoniously.
The earthly aroma of fallen leaves and a mix of dampness and nostalgia is carried through the air, blessing our noses as they meet. There is a hint of crispiness in the air, like a promise of cozy evenings by the fireplace. These scents create a warm and comforting atmosphere. It’s a symphony of smells that dances through the breeze, that welcomes you into the season with open arms.
The day comes to an end, the hues of orange, pink and gold bend together, casting a warm glow over the landscape. As the sun dips, the sky transforms into a canvas of breathtaking colours, reflecting off the clouds in a mesmerising display. The fading light creates long shadows and silhouettes of trees, adding a touch of magic to the evening. It's a moment of tranquillity of beauty, where nature shines bright, before the night takes over.


That’s a really good piece of writing! I would say though try to vary your sentence starters a bit (use adjectives, subordinate clauses, list of 3 etc), but other than that the description is amazing!

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