The Student Room Group

How do I stop being so shy around girls?

Basically I am just out of a long relationship, my only real relationship and I met her through friends. I have never approached a girl in person because of my shyness. I am significantly attractive around 9/10 but a lot of my less attractive friends score with the ladies at clubs while the best I've manged is mild small talk that has been pleasant but I am always too shy to go further.

I work in tesco express too and I have a lot of young female student customers come in every day. Out of about 30 girls a day maybe one if I'm lucky will smile at me or show some sort of interest, despite me being attractive. I want to talk to these girls but get so shy and nervous and get worried that they'll think I'm trying to chat them up. The best I have managed is 'how is your day going?' to which some reply 'good thanks' others say 'good thanks how about yours'. I want to ask these girls lots of questions about their studies and show interest but it's hard when I feel like they are actively showing uninterest in me, or maybe I'm just overthinking this and girls aren't supposed to show interest and doesn't mean they all have zero interest in me.

When I was at school I got a ton of interest from girls and at uni too but never made any moves because of already being in a relationship. Nowadays out on the streets girls don't look at me and the minority that do look so angry. I know they're not angry at me obviously but even if it is just RBF then they don't look too excited to see a 9/10.

Like I said I've only had one relationship in the past and never in my life have actually approached and chatted up girls like lots of other guys have but I've been single long enough now that I feel lonely and unwanted, because me as a shy man am too afraid to make the first move also because despite my good looks I'm worried girls will reject me or be uncomfortable. I can talk to my female friends fine and make them laugh but I don't view them as I would view a potential girlfriend so it's much easier and I know them well.

Every time I see couples I feel inadequate like these guys are somehow better than me because they aren't shy around women and the way they look at their boyfriends versus the glares girls give me. I just want what everyone else has a good relationship but it's also like I'm afraid of girls or something I have no idea how women think and get so confused why years ago I caught tons of girls in public looking at me smiling now that NEVER happens any more. I'm a nice guy I'm funny smart just so shy around girls I don't know.
Original post by Anonymous
Basically I am just out of a long relationship, my only real relationship and I met her through friends. I have never approached a girl in person because of my shyness. I am significantly attractive around 9/10 but a lot of my less attractive friends score with the ladies at clubs while the best I've manged is mild small talk that has been pleasant but I am always too shy to go further.
I work in tesco express too and I have a lot of young female student customers come in every day. Out of about 30 girls a day maybe one if I'm lucky will smile at me or show some sort of interest, despite me being attractive. I want to talk to these girls but get so shy and nervous and get worried that they'll think I'm trying to chat them up. The best I have managed is 'how is your day going?' to which some reply 'good thanks' others say 'good thanks how about yours'. I want to ask these girls lots of questions about their studies and show interest but it's hard when I feel like they are actively showing uninterest in me, or maybe I'm just overthinking this and girls aren't supposed to show interest and doesn't mean they all have zero interest in me.
When I was at school I got a ton of interest from girls and at uni too but never made any moves because of already being in a relationship. Nowadays out on the streets girls don't look at me and the minority that do look so angry. I know they're not angry at me obviously but even if it is just RBF then they don't look too excited to see a 9/10.
Like I said I've only had one relationship in the past and never in my life have actually approached and chatted up girls like lots of other guys have but I've been single long enough now that I feel lonely and unwanted, because me as a shy man am too afraid to make the first move also because despite my good looks I'm worried girls will reject me or be uncomfortable. I can talk to my female friends fine and make them laugh but I don't view them as I would view a potential girlfriend so it's much easier and I know them well.
Every time I see couples I feel inadequate like these guys are somehow better than me because they aren't shy around women and the way they look at their boyfriends versus the glares girls give me. I just want what everyone else has a good relationship but it's also like I'm afraid of girls or something I have no idea how women think and get so confused why years ago I caught tons of girls in public looking at me smiling now that NEVER happens any more. I'm a nice guy I'm funny smart just so shy around girls I don't know.
You need to be brave again and start talking to girls and see how you get on..... The worst thing that they will do is tell you to get lost 😞 😞 😞.

You did well with girls at school so surely you can do it again now you are slightly older.
Reply 2
You seems so fixated on your "9/10 amazingly good looks". I feel your expectations and ego are a little off.
Reply 3
Original post by benetoon
You seems so fixated on your "9/10 amazingly good looks". I feel your expectations and ego are a little off.

I’m just being honest about my physical appearance there was no intended arrogance or inflated ego but you can’t say you’re attractive as a man even if it’s true without sounding cocky apparently.
Original post by Anonymous
I’m just being honest about my physical appearance there was no intended arrogance or inflated ego but you can’t say you’re attractive as a man even if it’s true without sounding cocky apparently.

I'm sure you're model quality but it's a bit bold to assume your perceived attractiveness is the same for others, especially women in this context (ie, how would you know?)
Maybe vanity is withholding you from moving forwards
Original post by anonymous
Basically I am just out of a long relationship, my only real relationship and I met her through friends. I have never approached a girl in person because of my shyness. I am significantly attractive around 9/10 but a lot of my less attractive friends score with the ladies at clubs while the best I've manged is mild small talk that has been pleasant but I am always too shy to go further.
I work in tesco express too and I have a lot of young female student customers come in every day. Out of about 30 girls a day maybe one if I'm lucky will smile at me or show some sort of interest, despite me being attractive. I want to talk to these girls but get so shy and nervous and get worried that they'll think I'm trying to chat them up. The best I have managed is 'how is your day going?' to which some reply 'good thanks' others say 'good thanks how about yours'. I want to ask these girls lots of questions about their studies and show interest but it's hard when I feel like they are actively showing uninterest in me, or maybe I'm just overthinking this and girls aren't supposed to show interest and doesn't mean they all have zero interest in me.
When I was at school I got a ton of interest from girls and at uni too but never made any moves because of already being in a relationship. Nowadays out on the streets girls don't look at me and the minority that do look so angry. I know they're not angry at me obviously but even if it is just RBF then they don't look too excited to see a 9/10.
Like I said I've only had one relationship in the past and never in my life have actually approached and chatted up girls like lots of other guys have but I've been single long enough now that I feel lonely and unwanted, because me as a shy man am too afraid to make the first move also because despite my good looks I'm worried girls will reject me or be uncomfortable. I can talk to my female friends fine and make them laugh but I don't view them as I would view a potential girlfriend so it's much easier and I know them well.
Every time I see couples I feel inadequate like these guys are somehow better than me because they aren't shy around women and the way they look at their boyfriends versus the glares girls give me. I just want what everyone else has a good relationship but it's also like I'm afraid of girls or something I have no idea how women think and get so confused why years ago I caught tons of girls in public looking at me smiling now that NEVER happens any more. I'm a nice guy I'm funny smart just so shy around girls I don't know.

A few things you need to be aware of:-

First of all, self-confidence is a more important quality than how good looking you are. This is one of the reasons so-called bad-boys do so well with women. It's all well and good being a 9/10 (or whatever), but if you don't have the confidence to go with it, it's as useful as buying a Ferrari to do the weekly shopping run. What's your vibe like? Do you smile? Do you have a confident swagger? Do you proactively put yourself in places / environments where there may be single women actively on the prowl?

Secondly, I'm not questioning that you're a very good looking guy... but even that has its drawbacks (ignore the incels; this is real talk from a guy who actually talks to women). When a girl wants to date a guy, as well as how good looking he is etc. she will also ask herself "how will we look together as a couple?" It's one thing being somewhat better looking than her... but if you're much better looking than her (i.e. "out of her league") then being seen out and about with you will only serve to illustrate what a mutant deformed hetherlump she is herself. Also, you need to bear in mind how b**chy / catty girls can be with each other (NGL, that makes me glad I'm a guy lol).

Thirdly, It's not all about you. Fair enough, you got lots of attention in your other places... but remember school is full of hormonal teenagers discovering the opposite sex, and University is a secluded environment somewhat cut off from the real world (you don't have to worry about a lot of things); so maybe they can look at talent. Similarly, in somewhere like a club, they're out in a mindset to meet people and check out the talent. However, when they're buying groceries from Tesco's (or out and about in town during the day), who knows what's on their mind? They may be stressing about an assignment; maybe pondering the latest EastEnders / Coronation Street plot; worried about missing a bus; maybe the cat died. All sorts of reasons they may not notice (or car) what a pretty boy you are.

Fourthly, I would urge you to work on your shyness... because it's most detrimental to you, as a heterosexual guy. It's the guys job to approach women and kick things off. If you were a shy girl (or a gay guy) you could take a more passive role while you wait for a more assertive individual to take the initiative. As a straight guy you don't have that option (yes, I know it's unfair, and women should approach blah blah yadda yadda etc. but moaning on a random internet forum isn't going to change that.) So you've got to pull your finger out and tackle this.

Fifth, don't compare yourself to other couples out there... you don't know how long they've been together, how happy they are, or how much hassle / headache it was for them to finally get each other. For all you know they may have been in a far worse position than you. Instead, run your own race and focus on getting yourself to where they are (or rather where you think they are lol). You've done it once, I'm sure you can do it again.

Funny you say you work in Tesco's one of the things I did to improve my confidence in talking to girls was to chat to random checkout girls when they're scanning my stuff. I just used to talk about mundane stuff (e.g. how is their shift going, is it busy, what's the weather like etc. ) and it normally goes down quite well... so I don't see any reason why you can't try this the other way around. However, I will stress that I wasn't trying to "chat them up" (per se)... but I saw it more as a training exercise to get my conversational skill on-point. IMHO, it's a good environment as:-

1) Most managers want their staff to be extra friendly with the customers

2) You'll only have a window of a couple of minutes or so to chat to them... so little chance of an uncomfortable silence developing

3) Surrounding context removes any chance of trying to seduce them (you save that for when you see them out on the town on Saturday night lol).


If it's going well, then I might get in a cheeky compliment at the end (e.g. "Only you can make that uniform look good")

Before I say this next bit, please note, I'm NOT a fan of Pick-Up-Artists, but one thing they do is something called "The Three Second Rule"... which is that they will approach someone as soon as they notice them. This way you don't give that annoying critical voice in your head a chance to get going and make you overthink the situation (i.e. the dreaded "Paralysis by Analysis" scenario); furthermore, you may come across as more natural and less like you're using a rehearsed pick-up line / routine. If you work on the tills, maybe you could make it your mission to try and start conversations with everyone you're serving; regardless on whether you fancy them or not ... or even if they're male or female. If you make an effort to chat to everyone, then when a hot girl comes up, guess what? you'll find that you can do it naturally.

Finally, don't just read what I've written... actually properly think about some of this stuff and put into action what you can. You can have all the ideas and theories in the world... but it's only when you put this stuff into action where you'll see results and your fortune changing.
(edited 1 month ago)

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