can someone mark my q5 pls!

it's not the best I don't think, and I also think I should write more but can someone give me a mark out of 40 please and thank you

The air is bitingly cold; every breath feels like shards of ice entering the lungs. The wind howls relentlessly, whipping up flurries of snow that swirl and dance in the air. Despite the bitter chill, there is a quiet serenity to this frozen land, as if time itself has slowed to a halt beneath the weight of winter. Frost clings to every surface and the air is crisp with the promise of snow. Trees stand skeletal and bare, their branches coated in a delicate layer of frost. Frozen rivers wind their way through the landscape, their surfaces shimmering with a layer of thick ice.

The arctic wind cuts through layers of clothing like a freshly sharpened knife. I slowly shut my eyes blocking out the mystical beauty of my surroundings and envision a world far removed from the cold embrace of winter—a world of sun-kissed shores and gentle waves lapping at the sand.

In this paradise, the air is warm and balmy and the sun hangs high in the sky, casting a golden glow over the pristine beach. The sand, soft and inviting stretches out for miles in every direction. I could almost feel the warm embrace of the sun dancing on my skin; its rays penetrating deep into my bones and thawing the icy grip of the winter around me. I can hear the soothing sounds of waves crashing against the shore - a rhythmic melody that lulls me into a state of relaxation. For a short moment, the bleak, icy, and hostile grip of winter is forgotten as I continue imagining this idyllic paradise that seems miles and miles away from the current day.

Crash!

I briskly opened my eyes to see a king-sized icicle propped upright in the extensive layers of snow and ice a mere few centimeters before me. I sighed in relief, grateful that this monstrosity of nature's creation didn't land a few centimeters off.

All of a sudden, reality comes crashing back with a brutal force. The short-lived paradise dissipates and the harsh reality of the unforgiving landscapes brings tears to my eyes. It's as if the icy winds of winter conspire to mock my deep longing for warmth and comfort. With each step, the weight of grief gets heavier and heavier.

I close my eyes for a moment, hoping to re-escape into the warmth of my memories, but even there, grief waits for me, lurking in the shadows of my dream paradise. And yet, even in the depths of my despair, there is a stubborn spark of resilience that refuses to be extinguished. It whispers to me of brighter days ahead. I cling to that hope like a lifeline, knowing that even in the coldest of winters with each step, I move closer to the warmth and light that awaits me on the other side.

Reply 1

maryamaishah

Original post by doughnutsareslay

it's not the best I don't think, and I also think I should write more but can someone give me a mark out of 40 please and thank you
The air is bitingly cold; every breath feels like shards of ice entering the lungs. The wind howls relentlessly, whipping up flurries of snow that swirl and dance in the air. Despite the bitter chill, there is a quiet serenity to this frozen land, as if time itself has slowed to a halt beneath the weight of winter. Frost clings to every surface and the air is crisp with the promise of snow. Trees stand skeletal and bare, their branches coated in a delicate layer of frost. Frozen rivers wind their way through the landscape, their surfaces shimmering with a layer of thick ice.
The arctic wind cuts through layers of clothing like a freshly sharpened knife. I slowly shut my eyes blocking out the mystical beauty of my surroundings and envision a world far removed from the cold embrace of winter—a world of sun-kissed shores and gentle waves lapping at the sand.
In this paradise, the air is warm and balmy and the sun hangs high in the sky, casting a golden glow over the pristine beach. The sand, soft and inviting stretches out for miles in every direction. I could almost feel the warm embrace of the sun dancing on my skin; its rays penetrating deep into my bones and thawing the icy grip of the winter around me. I can hear the soothing sounds of waves crashing against the shore - a rhythmic melody that lulls me into a state of relaxation. For a short moment, the bleak, icy, and hostile grip of winter is forgotten as I continue imagining this idyllic paradise that seems miles and miles away from the current day.
Crash!
I briskly opened my eyes to see a king-sized icicle propped upright in the extensive layers of snow and ice a mere few centimeters before me. I sighed in relief, grateful that this monstrosity of nature's creation didn't land a few centimeters off.
All of a sudden, reality comes crashing back with a brutal force. The short-lived paradise dissipates and the harsh reality of the unforgiving landscapes brings tears to my eyes. It's as if the icy winds of winter conspire to mock my deep longing for warmth and comfort. With each step, the weight of grief gets heavier and heavier.
I close my eyes for a moment, hoping to re-escape into the warmth of my memories, but even there, grief waits for me, lurking in the shadows of my dream paradise. And yet, even in the depths of my despair, there is a stubborn spark of resilience that refuses to be extinguished. It whispers to me of brighter days ahead. I cling to that hope like a lifeline, knowing that even in the coldest of winters with each step, I move closer to the warmth and light that awaits me on the other side.

hello, so, i do aqa so im going off what i know from that (please dont be offended im doing my best to be honest)

did you write this with a question in mind or is this your raw piece- if not, what was the prompt

i think you are right, it does need to be longer, which leads me to my next point

it feels kind of vague? i understand someone is walking through a cold tundra type area but nothing else- so when you're adding length maybe incorporate some kind of plotline (why are they here? what grief?)

also, try to elevate your SPaG marks. different punctuation (maybe dialogue, narrator is talking to themselves as they push through the snow, they could meet someone...extensive list with semicolon...), and aim for higher level vocabulary- maybe some technical terms for things seen in this environment (maybe look to the ecology topic of biology, or living world part of geography if you do it)

if i had to give you a mark id go for 14/24 + 7/16 for the spag, so 21 overall- please don't be offended, im just trying to be honest. i hope the tips were helpful.

Reply 2

doughnutsareslay

Original post by maryamaishah

hello, so, i do aqa so im going off what i know from that (please dont be offended im doing my best to be honest)

did you write this with a question in mind or is this your raw piece- if not, what was the prompt

i think you are right, it does need to be longer, which leads me to my next point

if i had to give you a mark id go for 14/24 + 7/16 for the spag, so 21 overall- please don't be offended, im just trying to be honest. i hope the tips were helpful.

heyy yeah, thanks so much for the tips!! don't worry haha I'm not offended at all lol wasn't expecting much more anyways lmao. I didn't write it with a question in mind at all. Do you know where I can find any model answers as well?