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Could anyone give me feedback and like a prediction out of 40 for this answer please

This is for question 5 paper 1 AQA. And the question is Write a story about a life-saving rescue. If anyone could give me an estimate grade (Im aiming for a 5), and any feedback on what i can improve i will be forever thankful.

As the first rays of dawn pierced through the crevices of my tomb, I knew right away I was no longer among the living world. As I began to lift the ceiling of my tomb, I was overwhelmed by the absolute benevolence of what seemed to be heaven. Living my life as a priest, I knew I would go to heaven whenever I seized to live, and ofcourse I imagined what heaven would be like countless times, but my imagination was a vast understatement of what heaven was truly like. One of the first things that caught my eye after releasing myself from the coffin, was the gargantuan birds that were like mesmerising skyscrapers soaring through the sky.

This felt like true bliss.

My journey to the heaven gates was truly perfect. Everything was perfect even the whether was to perfection it was as if the sun had a mouth and was blowing warm waves of air upon me. The mood was euphoric, even the animals around me appeared to be living in euphoria, from the most miniscule fly that danced around like a fairy, to a gargantuan dinosaur like creature that was sat, almost hugging the ground. Could anything really go wrong?

Upon reaching the heavens gate my anticipation quickly turned to dismay : I was unable to pass through the gates. I was filled with indignance ; confusion because how could I (someone who lived their entire life as a priest) be unallowed to enter the gates of heaven. I began to slam my hand on the gate. Ding! Ding! Ding! The sound of my slams were echoing throughout the what seemed like limitless heaven, until a voice said “Come with me”.

What is this place?

My journey through hell was melancholic and paradoxical, all I could wonder is why. Why am i here? What have i done? Is this a final test? The air was misty, humid and abhorrent, I could barely even breathe. My skin felt as if it was going to spontaneously combust, the heat made it so i couldn't even focus on where i was heading. The whole realm was the opposite of heaven, even the animals over there seemed euphoric, but here the beasts were unsightly, menacing and ominous to say the least, it seems as though this place once had a beautiful palace, but had now been set ablaze.

After what felt like centuries but had most likely been less than an hour I had reached the gates of hell. However I could feel a strange, mysterious presence, it felt almost omnipotent. My heart was beating out of my chest, I was too afraid of what would happen once i touched the gate of this hellish desert. I finally took a step through towards the gate. The same voice I had heard once before spoke. “This was your final test, you did not lose faith so you have been saved, you may return to heaven for eternity.”.
(edited 1 month ago)
33-38 not very good at marking but ill have a go. you used a lot of complex language variety of punctuation and varied sentence. Pretty good. is this aqa exam board?
Reply 2
like the reply before
what eam board is this
i can give a level estimates and paragraph by paragraph feedback but only with exam board
Reply 3
Original post by JF ZAK
like the reply before
what eam board is this
i can give a level estimates and paragraph by paragraph feedback but only with exam board

Hi, it is Aqa and the june 2022 paper. Thankyou
Reply 4
Original post by akinablood
33-38 not very good at marking but ill have a go. you used a lot of complex language variety of punctuation and varied sentence. Pretty good. is this aqa exam board?

Hi that sounds great thankyou, and yeah it is AQA
Reply 5
Original post by Hexxon
Hi, it is Aqa and the june 2022 paper. Thankyou

yh great
here is the feedback
hope it helps for improvement
As the first rays of dawn pierced through the crevices of my tomb, I knew right away I was no longer among the living world. As I began to lift the ceiling of my tomb, I was overwhelmed by the absolute benevolence of what seemed to be heaven. Living my life as a priest, I knew I would go to heaven whenever I seized to live, and ofcourse I imagined what heaven would be like countless times, but my imagination was a vast understatement of what heaven was truly like. One of the first things that caught my eye after releasing myself from the coffin, was the gargantuan birds that were like mesmerising skyscrapers soaring through the sky. (This opening paragraph sets a vivid scene and introduces the concept of an afterlife experience, which is an imaginative approach to the prompt. The description of the environment as heaven is effective, but ensure that the narrative remains focused on the life-saving rescue aspect of the task. (At the bottom of Level 3))
This felt like true bliss. (This short paragraph effectively conveys a sense of bliss, but it could be developed further to enhance the narrative and maintain the focus on the life-saving rescue theme. (At the bottom of Level 2))
My journey to the heaven gates was truly perfect. Everything was perfect even the whether was to perfection it was as if the sun had a mouth and was blowing warm waves of air upon me. The mood was euphoric, even the animals around me appeared to be living in euphoria, from the most miniscule fly that danced around like a fairy, to a gargantuan dinosaur like creature that was sat, almost hugging the ground. Could anything really go wrong? (The description of the journey and the environment is clear and engaging, with some creative use of language. However, the narrative needs to be more directly linked to the life-saving rescue aspect of the prompt. Watch out for spelling errors such as 'whether' instead of 'weather'. (At the top of Level 2))
Upon reaching the heavens gate my anticipation quickly turned to dismay : I was unable to pass through the gates. I was filled with indignance ; confusion because how could I (someone who lived their entire life as a priest) be unallowed to enter the gates of heaven. I began to slam my hand on the gate. Ding! Ding! Ding! The sound of my slams were echoing throughout the what seemed like limitless heaven, until a voice said “Come with me”. (The twist in the narrative introduces a challenge for the protagonist, which aligns with the life-saving rescue theme. The emotional response is well conveyed, but the clarity of the narrative could be improved by addressing the abrupt shift in setting. (At the bottom of Level 3))
What is this place? (This paragraph serves as a transition in the narrative but lacks detail. Expanding on the protagonist's thoughts and feelings could strengthen the connection to the life-saving rescue theme. (At the bottom of Level 2))
My journey through hell was melancholic and paradoxical, all I could wonder is why. Why am i here? What have i done? Is this a final test? The air was misty, humid and abhorrent, I could barely even breathe. My skin felt as if it was going to spontaneously combust, the heat made it so i couldn't even focus on where i was heading. The whole realm was the opposite of heaven, even the animals over there seemed euphoric, but here the beasts were unsightly, menacing and ominous to say the least, it seems as though this place once had a beautiful palace, but had now been set ablaze. (The description of the hellish environment is vivid and contrasts well with the earlier depiction of heaven. The narrative begins to address the life-saving rescue theme more directly here, but the connection could be made clearer earlier in the piece. (At the top of Level 2))
After what felt like centuries but had most likely been less than an hour I had reached the gates of hell. However I could feel a strange, mysterious presence, it felt almost omnipotent. My heart was beating out of my chest, I was too afraid of what would happen once i touched the gate of this hellish desert. I finally took a step through towards the gate. The same voice I had heard once before spoke. “This was your final test, you did not lose faith so you have been saved, you may return to heaven for eternity.”. (The conclusion ties back to the life-saving rescue theme, with the protagonist's faith being tested. The resolution is clear, but the journey to this point could be more cohesively linked to the prompt throughout the narrative. (At the bottom of Level 3))
Mark: 24 - 28
Overall feedback: The narrative is imaginative and descriptive, with a clear resolution that ties back to the life-saving rescue theme. However, the connection to the prompt could be established more consistently throughout the piece. There are some issues with spelling and punctuation that need attention. The use of language is at times effective, but greater variety in sentence structure and vocabulary would enhance the overall quality of the writing.
What went well: Imaginative approach to the afterlife experience; vivid descriptions of heaven and hell; clear resolution.
Even better if: Establish a consistent connection to the life-saving rescue theme throughout the narrative; improve spelling and punctuation; use a greater variety of sentence structures and vocabulary.
Reply 6
Original post by JF ZAK
yh great
here is the feedback
hope it helps for improvement
As the first rays of dawn pierced through the crevices of my tomb, I knew right away I was no longer among the living world. As I began to lift the ceiling of my tomb, I was overwhelmed by the absolute benevolence of what seemed to be heaven. Living my life as a priest, I knew I would go to heaven whenever I seized to live, and ofcourse I imagined what heaven would be like countless times, but my imagination was a vast understatement of what heaven was truly like. One of the first things that caught my eye after releasing myself from the coffin, was the gargantuan birds that were like mesmerising skyscrapers soaring through the sky. (This opening paragraph sets a vivid scene and introduces the concept of an afterlife experience, which is an imaginative approach to the prompt. The description of the environment as heaven is effective, but ensure that the narrative remains focused on the life-saving rescue aspect of the task. (At the bottom of Level 3))
This felt like true bliss. (This short paragraph effectively conveys a sense of bliss, but it could be developed further to enhance the narrative and maintain the focus on the life-saving rescue theme. (At the bottom of Level 2))
My journey to the heaven gates was truly perfect. Everything was perfect even the whether was to perfection it was as if the sun had a mouth and was blowing warm waves of air upon me. The mood was euphoric, even the animals around me appeared to be living in euphoria, from the most miniscule fly that danced around like a fairy, to a gargantuan dinosaur like creature that was sat, almost hugging the ground. Could anything really go wrong? (The description of the journey and the environment is clear and engaging, with some creative use of language. However, the narrative needs to be more directly linked to the life-saving rescue aspect of the prompt. Watch out for spelling errors such as 'whether' instead of 'weather'. (At the top of Level 2))
Upon reaching the heavens gate my anticipation quickly turned to dismay : I was unable to pass through the gates. I was filled with indignance ; confusion because how could I (someone who lived their entire life as a priest) be unallowed to enter the gates of heaven. I began to slam my hand on the gate. Ding! Ding! Ding! The sound of my slams were echoing throughout the what seemed like limitless heaven, until a voice said “Come with me”. (The twist in the narrative introduces a challenge for the protagonist, which aligns with the life-saving rescue theme. The emotional response is well conveyed, but the clarity of the narrative could be improved by addressing the abrupt shift in setting. (At the bottom of Level 3))
What is this place? (This paragraph serves as a transition in the narrative but lacks detail. Expanding on the protagonist's thoughts and feelings could strengthen the connection to the life-saving rescue theme. (At the bottom of Level 2))
My journey through hell was melancholic and paradoxical, all I could wonder is why. Why am i here? What have i done? Is this a final test? The air was misty, humid and abhorrent, I could barely even breathe. My skin felt as if it was going to spontaneously combust, the heat made it so i couldn't even focus on where i was heading. The whole realm was the opposite of heaven, even the animals over there seemed euphoric, but here the beasts were unsightly, menacing and ominous to say the least, it seems as though this place once had a beautiful palace, but had now been set ablaze. (The description of the hellish environment is vivid and contrasts well with the earlier depiction of heaven. The narrative begins to address the life-saving rescue theme more directly here, but the connection could be made clearer earlier in the piece. (At the top of Level 2))
After what felt like centuries but had most likely been less than an hour I had reached the gates of hell. However I could feel a strange, mysterious presence, it felt almost omnipotent. My heart was beating out of my chest, I was too afraid of what would happen once i touched the gate of this hellish desert. I finally took a step through towards the gate. The same voice I had heard once before spoke. “This was your final test, you did not lose faith so you have been saved, you may return to heaven for eternity.”. (The conclusion ties back to the life-saving rescue theme, with the protagonist's faith being tested. The resolution is clear, but the journey to this point could be more cohesively linked to the prompt throughout the narrative. (At the bottom of Level 3))
Mark: 24 - 28
Overall feedback: The narrative is imaginative and descriptive, with a clear resolution that ties back to the life-saving rescue theme. However, the connection to the prompt could be established more consistently throughout the piece. There are some issues with spelling and punctuation that need attention. The use of language is at times effective, but greater variety in sentence structure and vocabulary would enhance the overall quality of the writing.
What went well: Imaginative approach to the afterlife experience; vivid descriptions of heaven and hell; clear resolution.
Even better if: Establish a consistent connection to the life-saving rescue theme throughout the narrative; improve spelling and punctuation; use a greater variety of sentence structures and vocabulary.

Hi, thankyou so much, ill really take this into account and i feel like i can i know how i can improve upon the essay for next time and then the final exam.
Reply 7
Original post by Hexxon
Hi, thankyou so much, ill really take this into account and i feel like i can i know how i can improve upon the essay for next time and then the final exam.

i hope u do too
good luck

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