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Didn't attend friends fathers funeral

I haven't seen my close friend for about 6 months due to distance. We live about 200 miles away.

Her father passed away recently, and I was messaging her to support her nearly every day. I find it so difficult to know what to say, as I've never known anyone to ever pass away, and it was also so hard to offer support from such a distance, but one gesture was that I sent her a toy that looks her like dog, with a card in.

I'm the type of person who never likes to invite myself, especially in situations like this, but I offered to have phone calls and even subtly suggested taking time off of work and visiting, but she came back saying I should visit in summer instead as it's nicer and more to do. I took this as a sign and left it.

Her fathers funeral came up, again I didn't want to invite myself, and she didn't mention anything about me coming. I have never met him either. I of course was ready to go on invite, but I didn't want to put her in an awkward situation of having to reject me if she didn't want me to go. Also, I have never been to a funeral (except when I was too young to remember), and I just don't know the etiquette at all!!!

She messaged me a while later, saying she has built up anger towards me, that I didn't go, and didn't even give a reason. She also said I have been saying things that suggest I think she should just get over It, and that I don't understand how much she is grieving. I remember one time we were texting non-stop for an evening and I let her know that I can't imagine what she's going through, but I'm always here. I don't feel that I can be expected to know because what she is going through in unimaginable, it feels like such an uncomfortable ask. She basically sent a whole paragraph of the things I had done wrong over the past few weeks. I apologised that I'd acted in a way that made her feel this way, but this was honestly never my intention. I was quite upset, because I was putting in so much mental effort to make sure I was saying the right things, re-drafting texts 10 times over to make sure things were worded correctly, making sure I'd check in nearly every day. Because she is vulnerable, I just apologised, offered a very short explanation, but didn't defend myself at all, as I thought it would be inappropriate given her grief.

I am now finding myself so uncomfortable talking to her, unsure how to offer support without offending her. We were such good friends, but we haven't seen each other for nearly 10 months now, and I kind of feel awkward about seeing her again. I feel like now I am living up to this 'unsupportive' friendship as my replies are getting slower, because I don't know what I can/can't say.

We had such a supportive friendship when we lived nearby, but now we live 100's of miles away, she expects me to continue this support when I really can't. I don't know what to do.

Should I just suck it up and not mention that I felt a bit offended by what she said. I think I could have worded some things better, and I would admit that to her, but I think she has unfairly picked apart things that I have said and done, and I almost feel that words have been put into my mouth by twisting the meaning of my words. I was very upset how I'd nearly been vilified when I was really trying to be supportive.

Anyone who knows how to deal with people who are grieving, and know what sort of things I could say, it would be really appreciated!!

Reply 1

It sounds like she's caught up in her grief and is taking it out on you (which is unfair but also common). You are someone who made her feel safe and supported perhaps in a similar way to the way her father did and now neither of you are there.
Grief affects everyone differently and can last a very long time, but the initial angry phase will pass in time. You should let her know that you didn't intend to upset her and perhaps could have worded things differently, but that you have also never experienced a significant loss and don't know what to say. Tell her that you will be there for her and happy to listen and offer as much or as little support as she needs but that you are not sure what will help her. Don't offer what you can't deliver or you'll just disappoint both of you. Perhaps suggest that you could help her to find local support or resources (if you're unsure where to look start with cruse.org.uk or thegoodgrieftrust.org.uk or ataloss.org which has a database of bereavement support). Also Mind has a section of information on how to support someone who is grieving that you may find helpful.
Good luck. It's a very difficult role to fill, but very worthwhile and I'm sure she'll thank you for it once things start to settle down 🤗

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