Confused

Hello everyone i have been dating a guy for 3 years now we have been living together for few months. He cooks for me, he is a family man , he is a gentle man he knows what woman wants . But when he is angry he speaks with me disrespectfully he says slang words and all . and its been 3 times when he is over drunk he doesnt hit me but he pushes me, shoves me and when i cry he has also pressed my mouth and jaws too hard and fight or things dont make sense. he promised me he will not drink . He is good when he is normal but when he is angry he tells hurtful things to me .i dont know if i should stay with him or not. I dont know if iam right or not. i want to talk about it to my friends but i dont want him to like a bad guy .He is loyal and all but the problem is he is different when he is angry and sometimes when drunk.

Reply 1

based_J

Hi, I don't like to make assumptions but it seems like he is borderline toxic. A man who truly loves you will never shove his problems onto you and breaks promises. He will want you to be happy and your happiness should be his priority. It appears to be he is too irresponsible and childish to solve problems like a real man -- he could have talked them through with you rather than push and shove you and make you cry. Don't try to justify his actions or excuse him by saying "he is good when he is normal" because if he is truly a good and loving boyfriend he would never hurt you even when he is angry. I'm not saying that those who love us cannot hurt us but there are different types of hurt and it seems like this is a hurt that you should not be receiving. Like toxic hurt. He clearly needs to grow up and sort out his priorities. If I were you I'd leave him and I strongly advise you to do so — please respect yourself enough to leave a toxic relationship because who knows what he will do to you next, girl I don't know you but nobody deserves to be pushed around and emotionally abused like this, including you. You deserve a better guy. Please do not confuse abuse with love.

My dm is open if you wanna talk. I hope my reply has been somewhat helpful.

Reply 2

Dunnig Kruger

You don't want him to seem like a bad guy?
But he is. So you want to create a fictional representation of him to your friends and family?

Every time he pushes you or clamps your jaws, that's assault, battery and possibly bodily harm. There's a good reason that it's illegal to touch another person in a way that they don't want to be touched.

The old "I promise I'll never do it again." What a load of cobblers! Of course he'll do it again. And again. And again. And he'll keep on doing it as long as you remain his soft target.

This domestic abuse from him, it isn't about you, nor any of your shortcomings. It's about how he handles stress. Which in his case is terrible. Because he loses his temper or he binge drinks and loses his temper, which he then takes out on the softest target, which is you. No matter how perfect you are, there will always be something that he'll pick, pick pick away at, when he's feeling grumpy.

If you go into vulnerable-prisoner wings of prisons, you'll find them full of meek, mild mannered, kind men. Kind that is till they vent their frustrations. These are the apples with delicious exteriors and rotten worm eaten cores.

If your boyfriend was a truly gentle man - to his core - you could ply him with drink every day and he'd never lay a finger on you.

He's the sort of guy that will justify his evil behaviour towards you on the basis that he cooks for you etc. So that he will feel that overall, on balance, he's a good guy. And that you deserve it. We as humans are great at deluding ourselves in this.

If you stay with him - there's millions of women that stay in abusive relationships - please secretly video record (on your phone, or via your laptop webcam) your interactions with him when he's drunk or angry. Because you don't want to get into a your word against his situation.

You should be asking yourself "What else?" And if it's something better; do that. What else could you have as boyfriend? Someone that cooks, is kind and handles stress and conflict well, and never assaults you.