Wife lied about her body count adding 4 to 14 making 18 Inc me

OP

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Original post by jay2013

No. I would divorce her straight away.

I've been having a good think due to the kids. But also found out it wasn't 14 it was 18 and she came out of a long term relationship before me n slept with 14 guys in 3 years. I'm not mad for thinking this is wrong. As everyone around me keeps saying don't throw away 12 years?

Yes.

19

As someone in a similar ish position in that I'm married with kids and have been with my wife for a long time, the notion that you would divorce her for lying about her body count is just absolutely insane. It makes no difference at all to anything. You are married with children, so clearly have committed to building up a relationship that can support raising kids. That isn't something that should be threatened by something like this. If you really are so emotionally immature and fragile that you're questioning your entire marriage over this, I can understand why she didn't tell you in the first place.

Reply 5

OP

Original post by Crazy Jamie

As someone in a similar ish position in that I'm married with kids and have been with my wife for a long time, the notion that you would divorce her for lying about her body count is just absolutely insane. It makes no difference at all to anything. You are married with children, so clearly have committed to building up a relationship that can support raising kids. That isn't something that should be threatened by something like this. If you really are so emotionally immature and fragile that you're questioning your entire marriage over this, I can understand why she didn't tell you in the first place.

Considering that this person I'm married two who yes I love and have children. I should ignore the fact I've been lied to and accept betrayal due to me not knowing who u was marrying. Your a complete idiot to think someone shouldn't be upset about this. Think before you type and get on your high horse. The fact I've built a life with her due to her lies in the first place. Should make you angry to start with. Everyone has the right to know who there marrying.

Reply 6

Ghostlady

Im one of the parents that helps out on TSR (married 27 years). When it comes to women, its the classic women are loose and easy if they have too many sexual hook ups. Its an age old classic. She probably thought you would run a mile if she had told you are the start. So she told a fib so her body count did not look so bad; and as time went on, it went from worried she would scare you away from the start, to worried she would scare you away as the fib went on for far too long.

If back then if she had been upfront and said hey ive been with 17 guys, would you have run a mile? Was you back then the type of person who would be appalled by that? Maybe she thought at the time you would be. Im not defending her actions, but trying to see back then her mindset as to why she lied. I do think you should talk to her about it as to why. And as you say, shes been an amazing wife and mother, and she has not been drunk until now. And you have kids too. A definite talk is needed because you need to put this behind you and not have this hanging over you.
You have had 12 years of an amazing marriage, so its worth fighting for, surely?

Reply 7

StriderHort

Original post by Samsmity

Considering that this person I'm married two who yes I love and have children. I should ignore the fact I've been lied to and accept betrayal due to me not knowing who u was marrying. Your a complete idiot to think someone shouldn't be upset about this. Think before you type and get on your high horse. The fact I've built a life with her due to her lies in the first place. Should make you angry to start with. Everyone has the right to know who there marrying.

You're just proving their point, that the way you approach this would put people off being open with you. Why talk as though this single omission changes who someone actually is? melodramatic pap bro, get over it.

Reply 8

OP

Original post by Ghostlady

Im one of the parents that helps out on TSR (married 27 years). When it comes to women, its the classic women are loose and easy if they have too many sexual hook ups. Its an age old classic. She probably thought you would run a mile if she had told you are the start. So she told a fib so her body count did not look so bad; and as time went on, it went from worried she would scare you away from the start, to worried she would scare you away as the fib went on for far too long.
If back then if she had been upfront and said hey ive been with 17 guys, would you have run a mile? Was you back then the type of person who would be appalled by that? Maybe she thought at the time you would be. Im not defending her actions, but trying to see back then her mindset as to why she lied. I do think you should talk to her about it as to why. And as you say, shes been an amazing wife and mother, and she has not been drunk until now. And you have kids too. A definite talk is needed because you need to put this behind you and not have this hanging over you.
You have had 12 years of an amazing marriage, so its worth fighting for, surely?

I asked her why she lied and she said I can't remember why she lied to me. And can't remember telling me 14. I've been fighting it for 3 months. And still struggling. After finding out other white lies.

Reply 9

OP

Original post by StriderHort

You're just proving their point, that the way you approach this would put people off being open with you. Why talk as though this single omission changes who someone actually is? melodramatic pap bro, get over it.

That's a fair point but I'm just clearly upset about been lied too. I've never acted inappropriatly about anything with my wife in the past. That is your judgment.

Reply 10

StriderHort

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Original post by Samsmity

That's a fair point but I'm just clearly upset about been lied too. I've never acted inappropriatly about anything with my wife in the past. That is your judgment.

It is my judgement, but that's what you asked for.

I'm not saying it feels great being mislead or it's not something to discuss, but it doesn't change who they are, and as much as you might feel a 'right' to know things, this isn't a lie about something that actually involves you. (if indeed it was even an intentional lie or just nerves or a mistake)

I'm all for couples being open and honest, but I feel pushing for full disclosure of past relationship and intimacy is largely asking for trouble, little positive can come from poring over bodycounts from umpteen years past. The fact you've even remembered the number she told you in the first place is a bit unusual.

You're also setting a very high bar for yourself, do you think your wife would unconditionally agree that in 12 odd years you have never acted inappropriately? That you've been perfect?

Reply 11

Crazy Jamie

19

Original post by Samsmity

Considering that this person I'm married two who yes I love and have children. I should ignore the fact I've been lied to and accept betrayal due to me not knowing who u was marrying. Your a complete idiot to think someone shouldn't be upset about this. Think before you type and get on your high horse. The fact I've built a life with her due to her lies in the first place. Should make you angry to start with. Everyone has the right to know who there marrying.

Betrayal? The fact you typed that word and didn't think you might be just ever so slightly exaggerating things very much lends credence to the point I made in my first post. I am normally quite careful to be balanced and empathetic with my advice on here, but then I'm normally giving it to teenagers and people in their 20s whose brains haven't fully developed yet. So I'm finding it a little more difficult to shift into that mode with a grown man who is considering breaking up his marriage and inevitably harming his children in the process over something so trivial. But still, I'll try.

I know my wife's number and I know who she has slept with. If she turned around to me this morning and told me that actually her number was three, four or more higher, I wouldn't be upset at all. And not only would I not be upset, I'd be surprised if it even registered. Why? Well, two reasons. The first is that it makes literally not a shred of difference to me or my relationship with her who she slept with before meeting me. Suggesting that with that revelation she's somehow a different person to the one you married is just nonsense. The things you have done with her, the experiences you've shared in your relationship, the things you have achieved (including having and raising children), and how you have both grown as people is infinitely more important, and shapes much more who she is now, than anything that she did before she met you.

The second is that you need to stop and think about why she would have lied to you. Because I can guarantee the answer in whole or in part is because of a fear of being judged. That same fear that girls and women have everywhere whenever the discussions turns to them deciding to have sex with someone. That society either judges or makes women believe that they will be judged for have consensual sex for pleasure is tragic, and I really feel for your wife that she felt she had to lie to avoid being judged the same way. I expect your wife as she is now might not feel the same pressure, but the women she was when you met did think that. That really makes me feel sorry for her, and if my wife made a similar revelation now, my instinct would be to support her, not to judge her. It is an absolute tragedy that instead of having the same reaction, instead you're feeding into exactly the sort of societal pressures that would have caused her to lie in the first place and judging her for it. She should expect better from the man she decided to start a family with.

So no, I quite genuinely would not be upset by this, let alone feel betrayed. I'd do what I have always done in this relationship, and that would be to move to support my wife and raise her up, not try to knock her down because of an entirely understandable action, even if it was a lie. And this goes further, because your reaction here is going to tell your children whether or not it's right to ultimately judge someone for who they choose to have sex with. That is a particularly important lesson if you have one or two girls, but it's also important if you one or two boys. Do you want your daughter(s) to fear have consensual sex in case someone judges them for it? Do you want your son(s) to judge women for those they have consensual sex with? Your reaction here feeds into the lessons you teach your children. So yes, I stand by my original point that even considering breaking up here is insanity, because you will be throwing away an established relationship and damaging your children for nothing. I'm not judging you for that, because you haven't done it yet, and we all have areas where we need to improve. But this is undoubtedly one of yours. Curse me and be angry at me all you want. But also take a step back and think about whether I might just be right, and that instead of judging your wife, you need to take the time to reflect and be better than your initial reaction. I promise it's the best thing for you, your wife and your children if you do that.

Reply 12

Ghostlady

Original post by Samsmity

I asked her why she lied and she said I can't remember why she lied to me. And can't remember telling me 14. I've been fighting it for 3 months. And still struggling. After finding out other white lies.

Hmm, if shes telling other white lies, it depends. Spending like 50 quid on a pair of shoes and telling your hubby they were 40 quid, a lot of people do that. But if its like she has a spending addiction and didnt tell you, thats pretty major. Thats the sort of difference of how a lie could be graded i suppose. I think if she was honest and not saying white lies, I would be inclinded to believe that she really cant remember. Thats why she was drunk and didnt think of it a big deal bringing it back up again.
What is it thats eating you that much? Is it the number? Is it the thought of her being intimate with three more people before you got together? Or is it the actual lie itself?

Reply 13

Zarek

A 28% miss-count is foregiveable, not to mention that its twelve good years and two kids down the line

Reply 14

OP

Original post by Ghostlady

Hmm, if shes telling other white lies, it depends. Spending like 50 quid on a pair of shoes and telling your hubby they were 40 quid, a lot of people do that. But if its like she has a spending addiction and didnt tell you, thats pretty major. Thats the sort of difference of how a lie could be graded i suppose. I think if she was honest and not saying white lies, I would be inclinded to believe that she really cant remember. Thats why she was drunk and didnt think of it a big deal bringing it back up again.
What is it thats eating you that much? Is it the number? Is it the thought of her being intimate with three more people before you got together? Or is it the actual lie itself?

The extra guys don't bother me as much. More the lie and the fact she slept with 13 guys in 3 years

Reply 15

Zarek

It’s also the same order of magnitude. Reminds of a scene in Four Weddings and a Funeral. What was your count when you first met

Reply 16

Ghostlady

Original post by Samsmity

The extra guys don't bother me as much. More the lie and the fact she slept with 13 guys in 3 years

The 13 guys in 3 years, thats probably why she lied as she knew you would look down on it. If you cant handle the fact shes slept with 13 guys in 3 years, then you can't be in a relationship with her.

You have a couple of choices here. You can either cut your losses, or you can carry on. If you do carry on, then maybe marriage councilling might work. You both have to go to it, but if you are to get over her body count, then having someone who can help might work. Also if shes willing to do this, it shows how serious she is in making your marriage work.

Reply 17

StriderHort

Original post by Samsmity

The extra guys don't bother me as much. More the lie and the fact she slept with 13 guys in 3 years

I know that kind of sounds a lot... but when you break it down that's like 1 a season, for a young person experimenting that's not particularly unusual imo, it's not like she's taking on football teams or a new guy off Tinder every Friday.

What's your count?

Reply 18

OP