adara + guy problems: a never ending saga

so basically there's this guy. and i'm not sure how to explain this because it's really weird and i don't know how to word it to make sense. but basically i was talking to this guy from my church- we'll call him R- like just over a year ago or something. and we had a thing for like 4 months or so and that was a moment. i cut it off because i was going through a lot at the time and also i didn't see whatever we had going on actually GOING anywhere, since i wasn't ready to commit, plus i'm not the type of person to date people at like 14 years old 💀 (i've never had a boyfriend, and even now at 16 i still don't want one, but i tend to get attention from guys so i've had a lot of "situationships" you might say). he was really understanding about it- which confused me because i was expecting him to not respect my boundaries and get mad or offended for my reasoning. so i was pretty grateful for that and we agreed to stay friends obviously (i HATE being on bad terms with people i'm close to it really just gets me). we didn't talk for a long time tho, like 2 months (it's 2 months in my head but i'm so sure it was way more than that but anyway) and we started talking again. this time, it wasn't as like a more than friends thing, it was just friendly and i would have considered him like my guy best friend for sure. we were talking every day, i'd update him on all my school drama and my random life activites, i told him a little bit about the mental stuff i have going on (not everything because my trust issues really scooped me up from laying my self-respect on the line) and he seemed understanding about it. BUT, i was afraid he'd start liking me again because of how frequent we were talking. like, when i deleted all my socials, he was one of few who was talking to me on messages and whatsapp almost every day. and i was getting a feeling that he MIGHT start liking me because i'm just paranoid like that and i did NOT like the thought of that. i don't like being involved in complicated situations, and so me + boys don't really go well because they're always ready for a relationship and they have NO idea what they're getting into with me. i'm not very open, and i'm very defensive when it comes to what i'm comfortable with and what i want to say. but anyway fast forward to recently. a couple months ago he asked me whether i liked him or not. like flat out when we were hanging out at church on a friday night one time. i was kind of taken aback and i said "no. no i don't" knowing full well i did (but didn't at the same time) and i said it in a very closed off way. but i wasn't really thinking when i said no- because I WAS SO UNPREPARED. anyway, i text him two days later apologising and asking him what i did that made him think i liked him back, becuase i was wary that this would happen so i purposely didn't reply to/say specific things because i knew he'd take it the wrong way.
he said a bunch of stuff, and i was surprised because everything he mentioned i was not in ANY way shape or form doing it to flirt. like, they were just regular friendly things- but i guess when you like someone everything they do seems like "a sign" almost idk. anyway we have a long conversation and i tell him that i was inbetween liking him and not liking him. because i think about him A LOT and i do like fantasise about us sometimes, but i really dont want to be in a relationship right now- and my feelings are very fleeting. sometimes i'll feel it sometimes i wont. so he says he understands and hes thankful i was open. and i was like calm okay this is good. AND THEN it gets all complicated and we argue for like 2 weeks but thats another thing. after that was sorted, we're still friends now and we still talk, obviously we have gcses so we've been checking in on each other- but i find myself thinking about him ALL THE TIME. like, i'm always checking my phone for his notifications, and a part of me wished i could know whether he still likes me or not. i find myself getting jealous over girls that mention him or all him attractive and I DONT KNOW WHY. every minor inconvenience i have i wanna tell him about it, and it's a bit sad to me that i can't just text him at any time and talk to him randomly like i used to. like, i thought i didn't really like him like that- and i dont want to date anyone. but the thought of being with him is just constantly on my mind and i don't know what it means. i'm usually really in tune with my emotions but i really don't know whether i just like the attention or if i actually like HIM.