Coming out...

Keep anonymous please mods, otherwise delete, ty.

Recently i've faced the fact that I am a bisexual male, all through school I was attracted to the other guys and girls, and at that time I thought it was just a "phase". However, 4 years on from the first attraction, I am still kicking myself about what to do about "coming out".

My family are ok, the only person that I worry about is my dad. He has a very short fuse and I really don't know what he would do since we don't get on anyway, etc.

My friends I think would support me, execpt for a few who would probably want me dead... but my biggest problem is how to do it?

I thought about just being myself, and letting people figure it out, rather than telling anyone without them asking... but I don't know... I also thought about going along to one of the gay/bi/les group things at college but... :o:

Any tips for me at all?

Reply 1

xwoopwoopx

Tell the family and friends who you are closest to, and let other people work it out for themselves?

Reply 2

Bumhole

Let your friends know first, thats what i did. I am sure you will find that if they are true friends, they will support you whatever. You will feel relieved when you tell them.

If your worried about telling your dad, perhaps tell your mum, and then maybe when the time is right tell your dad together.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Reply 3

AnonyMatt

15

I got asked and I just said yes. :l
That friend then told all my other friends so... yeah, that was easy.

Do they need to know? You could just surprise them one day with a boyfriend.
I never told anyone because there was really no need to and it was obvious anyway!

Reply 4

Aithne13

i agree with AnonyMatt, if they don't ask then dont tell. i never really understood the idea of 'coming out', it is as if you self-labelling yourself as different or abnormal - it is not like straight people hit a certain age and then go 'hey, i'm straight!' and if they don't why should the we be any different? If someone asks you, then tell the truth, but if they don't then why bother? Most people's friends in particular won't care if you are gay, they will probably shrug it of and go, 'so what?'. And if they react weirdly, then they obviously have their own insecurities, which is their problem, not yours. And most parents (that i have met) tend to already know if their child is gay/bisexual before they are told.

You said your dad has a short fuse, but is that just in general, or is has he openly stated opinions that suggest he has a problem with homosexuality? Either way, just remember your dad loves you for you. You, as a person haven't changed, from the moment before you told him, to the moment after and he may act kinda weird to begin with but if he loves you, he will get used to the idea.

Reply 5

Howells

I only told people when I was actually with someone, otherwise I probably wouldn;t have bothered for a while.
Definitely tell your closest friends first as they'll probably be fine with it, although a few may have trouble understanding how they didn't know before. Then work on your family, and your dad last of all.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

Aithne13

i agree with AnonyMatt, if they don't ask then dont tell. i never really understood the idea of 'coming out', it is as if you self-labelling yourself as different or abnormal

This was my thinking aswell... why should I have to broadcast it, just let people find out for themselves...

Aithne13

You said your dad has a short fuse, but is that just in general, or is has he openly stated opinions that suggest he has a problem with homosexuality? Either way, just remember your dad loves you for you. You, as a person haven't changed, from the moment before you told him, to the moment after and he may act kinda weird to begin with but if he loves you, he will get used to the idea.

Just in general, but to the point where i'm scared to be anything but the norm around him...

Reply 7

username239687

18

Why would they be angry with you? That's like blaming someone for the colour of their skin.

You are who you are, don't be ashamed. Ever.

Reply 8

Anonymous #2

i came out because i fell in love with one of my good mates and needed to tell someone because i was going crazy...i wouldn't have done so otherwise until it was necessary b/c i find the whole idea kind of stupid. they would never have had any idea though. are you camp...are their any of the stereotypical signs?

the best way to do it is to say it as a passing comment. the whole sit down intense chat is always ludicrously uncomfortable.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

OP

Anonymous

i came out because i fell in love with one of my good mates and needed to tell someone because i was going crazy...i wouldn't have done so otherwise until it was necessary b/c i find the whole idea kind of stupid. they would never have had any idea though. are you camp...are their any of the stereotypical signs?

the best way to do it is to say it as a passing comment. the whole sit down intense chat is always ludicrously uncomfortable.

Don't *think* i've ever had any of the stereotypical signs, my voice isn't really "manly", but I wouldn't call it camp...

I dress as "normally" as anyone else, mainly in jeans, tshirt and a hooded top, and have never had anyone come up to me in college yet and asked me if I was gay.

I've been trying to figure out how to do it for ages, and this seems the best option... the sit down chat thing seems like a cry for attention to me.

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

OP

Any more tips?

Reply 11

Aithne13

in that case, maybe you should just tell him and get it over with... the longer you wait, the more you will not want to tell him. Or alternatively, try to bring the topic up of someone who recently came out or is gay (it can be made up) and see how he responds. The only problem with that, is that most parents always seem to say that they have no problem with homosexuality, as long as it is not their child, they tend to get kind of freaked out at the idea - but they get used to it.

In the end, i want to say that it is best just to be you, don't change or hide away from your true self in order to live up to other's expectations. However, if you think it will bring you more grief to tell him the truth, that it will create a wedge between you and him, then maybe you shouldn't until you are in a serious relationship with someone. Don't bring yourself unnecessary pain.

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

OP

Aithne13

in that case, maybe you should just tell him and get it over with... the longer you wait, the more you will not want to tell him. Or alternatively, try to bring the topic up of someone who recently came out or is gay (it can be made up) and see how he responds. The only problem with that, is that most parents always seem to say that they have no problem with homosexuality, as long as it is not their child, they tend to get kind of freaked out at the idea - but they get used to it.

In the end, i want to say that it is best just to be you, don't change or hide away from your true self in order to live up to other's expectations. However, if you think it will bring you more grief to tell him the truth, that it will create a wedge between you and him, then maybe you shouldn't until you are in a serious relationship with someone. Don't bring yourself unnecessary pain.

I know what you're saying, i'd love to get into a loving relationship, but I don't really know what to do with the whole, "i'm bi" thing since I acted straight all through school, and so everyone that knows me thinks i'm straight. I was thinking of telling one of my closer friends (one of which is great at getting relationships going), and seeing if he knew anyone, but I can't bring myself to do it :frown:

Thanks for all the advice guys, i'll think it all over and see what seems to be the best option, but i'm thinking maybe leaving it until i'm in uni, where no one will know me, and so maybe stand a better chance.

Reply 13

cowsgoquack

16

ToastyCoke

Why would they be angry with you? That's like blaming someone for the colour of their skin.

You are who you are, don't be ashamed. Ever.

I can imagine two white parents where if the baby popped out and it was black there would be a lot of blaming going on :biggrin:

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

OP

cowsgoquack

I can imagine two white parents where if the baby popped out and it was black there would be a lot of blaming going on :biggrin:

That, good sir, has just made my day. :yep:

Rep for you.

Reply 15

username239687

18

cowsgoquack

I can imagine two white parents where if the baby popped out and it was black there would be a lot of blaming going on :biggrin:

I really shouldn't...but I lol'd.

Reply 16

yadda yadda

Aithne13

i agree with AnonyMatt, if they don't ask then dont tell. i never really understood the idea of 'coming out', it is as if you self-labelling yourself as different or abnormal - it is not like straight people hit a certain age and then go 'hey, i'm straight!' and if they don't why should the we be any different?

because to most people you're straight by default unless they've been told otherwise, or you fit a gay stereotype. which obviously isn't a problem for straight people because everyone already assumes they're straight and they are. i know what you mean though.

you could just casually do it by commenting on fit guys and generally including guys when you'd refer to things like wanting a girlfriend/when being asked about what you like on the preferred sex, etc. and they'll get the point/might ask about it. it's only as big a deal as you make it.

Reply 17

gupples

Mums are usually easier at dealing with such things. Although you don't really need to tell them.

Are you still at school/college?

If you are going to university, this will help alot. It is taking you out of your childhood environment and letting you develop into a new person - this includes, in some respect, your sexuality. I suggest, keeping it to yourself for a while until you are able to explore it more fully. My first impression would not to be involved in sexual orientation societies - I am deeply suspicious of them for some reason. No-one needs a platform for their sexuality. Just be you, and see what happens. Over your years at uni, you will change as a person, and people at home (both friends and family) will eventually notice this without you having to do or say anything out and out.

If you really need to talk to someone now, then really do make sure that you trust them a lot. Talking to one person about it may encourage you to talk to another, then another, and so forth, so lots of people know and you can't keep track of your confidants.

If you are not off to uni, then maybe do talk to some people (friends and family) and let it gradually seep into the public domain, this way, it doesn't really become an issue.

God bless.

Coming out...

Related discussions

Articles for you