Aqa english language paper 1 question 5 feeback and grade please

This is for question 5 paper 1 AQA. And the question is Write a story about a life-saving rescue. Could anyone please give me some feedback, awhile ago i posted but i think i have improved the writing so i was wondering what marks this would get me and what else i could improve. Also im aiming for a grade 5/6, and i want to try get around 30 marks from this question. As the first rays of dawn pierced through the crevices of my tomb, a profound realization dawned upon me: I was no longer among the living. As I began to lift the ceiling of my tomb, an overwhelming sense of awe overtook me, for I was greeted by the sheer benevolence of what could only be heaven. Throughout my life as a priest, I had fervently believed in my ascension to heaven upon death, often imagining its splendor. However, my imagination had vastly underestimated the true magnificence of this divine realm. Emerging from the coffin, I was immediately captivated by the gargantuan birds, their wingspans like mesmerising skyscrapers soaring gracefully through the sky.

This was true euphoria.

My journey to the gates of heaven was nothing short of perfect. Everything, even the weather, was perfection itself, as if the sun possessed a mouth that blew warm waves of air gently upon me. The mood was euphoric, and even the animals around me seemed to bask in this heavenly euphoria. From the most minuscule fly that danced like a fairy to a colossal, dinosaur-like creature that sat hugging the ground, every being radiated joy. Could anything possibly go wrong in this paradise?

Upon reaching the heavenly gates, my anticipation quickly turned to dismay: I was unable to pass through. I was filled with indignation and confusion. How could I, someone who had dedicated his entire life to priesthood, be barred from entering heaven? I began to slam my hand against the gate. Ding! Ding! Ding! The sound echoed throughout the seemingly limitless expanse of heaven, until a voice resonated, “Come with me.”

What is this place?

My descent into hell was melancholic and paradoxical, my mind plagued by unending questions. Why am I here? What have I done? Is this my final test? The air was misty, humid, and abhorrent; I could scarcely breathe. My skin felt as if it would spontaneously combust from the unbearable heat, making it nearly impossible to focus on my path. This realm was the antithesis of heaven. Whereas heaven was filled with euphoria, hell was dominated by unsightly, menacing beasts. It seemed as though this place had once boasted a magnificent palace, now reduced to ashes.

After what felt like centuries but was most likely less than an hour, I reached the gates of hell. An ominous, omnipotent presence loomed. My heart pounded violently, fear gripping me as I hesitated to touch the gate of this hellish desert. Finally, I mustered the courage and stepped forward. The familiar voice spoke once more. “This was your final test. You did not lose faith, and thus you have been saved. You may return to heaven for eternity.”

Reply 1

Thatgaekarlo

Original post by Hexxon

This is for question 5 paper 1 AQA. And the question is Write a story about a life-saving rescue. Could anyone please give me some feedback, awhile ago i posted but i think i have improved the writing so i was wondering what marks this would get me and what else i could improve. Also im aiming for a grade 5/6, and i want to try get around 30 marks from this question. As the first rays of dawn pierced through the crevices of my tomb, a profound realization dawned upon me: I was no longer among the living. As I began to lift the ceiling of my tomb, an overwhelming sense of awe overtook me, for I was greeted by the sheer benevolence of what could only be heaven. Throughout my life as a priest, I had fervently believed in my ascension to heaven upon death, often imagining its splendor. However, my imagination had vastly underestimated the true magnificence of this divine realm. Emerging from the coffin, I was immediately captivated by the gargantuan birds, their wingspans like mesmerising skyscrapers soaring gracefully through the sky.
This was true euphoria.
My journey to the gates of heaven was nothing short of perfect. Everything, even the weather, was perfection itself, as if the sun possessed a mouth that blew warm waves of air gently upon me. The mood was euphoric, and even the animals around me seemed to bask in this heavenly euphoria. From the most minuscule fly that danced like a fairy to a colossal, dinosaur-like creature that sat hugging the ground, every being radiated joy. Could anything possibly go wrong in this paradise?
Upon reaching the heavenly gates, my anticipation quickly turned to dismay: I was unable to pass through. I was filled with indignation and confusion. How could I, someone who had dedicated his entire life to priesthood, be barred from entering heaven? I began to slam my hand against the gate. Ding! Ding! Ding! The sound echoed throughout the seemingly limitless expanse of heaven, until a voice resonated, “Come with me.”
What is this place?
My descent into hell was melancholic and paradoxical, my mind plagued by unending questions. Why am I here? What have I done? Is this my final test? The air was misty, humid, and abhorrent; I could scarcely breathe. My skin felt as if it would spontaneously combust from the unbearable heat, making it nearly impossible to focus on my path. This realm was the antithesis of heaven. Whereas heaven was filled with euphoria, hell was dominated by unsightly, menacing beasts. It seemed as though this place had once boasted a magnificent palace, now reduced to ashes.
After what felt like centuries but was most likely less than an hour, I reached the gates of hell. An ominous, omnipotent presence loomed. My heart pounded violently, fear gripping me as I hesitated to touch the gate of this hellish desert. Finally, I mustered the courage and stepped forward. The familiar voice spoke once more. “This was your final test. You did not lose faith, and thus you have been saved. You may return to heaven for eternity.”

Hi, I am also a gcse student doing English Lang so my feedback might be different from what an actual teacher might say but I’m assessing this based on my knowledge of how they mark these kind of questions. Firstly I want to say that the concept and idea of the story is excellent and I think because it isn’t a thing that lots of people do, the examiner would like it more. I think the structure is good and it has an what, when, a but and a how. So at the very least already without looking at the accuracy or vocabulary you are looking at about 10-15 marks.
You have done it in paragraphs and also have changed sentence length which is good, you have used a lot of sophisticated and ambitious vocabulary and devices like similes. The thing I would say that could really bring up your marks is looking at how you start the sentences. Instead of I, the etc. try and use adverbs- they might help the pace flow. Also try using more language devices like metaphors, syndetic listing, oxymorons, hyperboles, personification because I think that would really help your mark. If I had to give it a mark I would say somewhere from 20-25 marks and remember I don’t actually know so this could be wrong, but I feel that the base of it is really good but maybe by being a bit more ambitious with your language and select with your structure you could be looking at 30-35 marks as well. Also if you look at model answers that can help. I would say if you know any more rhetorical devices use them and well done for not including more than one piece of dialogue, the mark scheme calls for a cohesive piece that communicate the ideas really well and consider sentence structure, you can mark the question yourself by going onto the 2022 mark scheme. Hope this helped a bit though