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English paper 1: Question 5 tips

Please could someone give me some tips on this and a mark if possible.

I was stuck in a jam. The queue was curving round the corner of the old Wetherspoons pub and faces were no souring in dismay. It was arduous standing behind the counter with a fake smile plastered on my face whilst Thomas was busy skiving on the shop floor.

What was he even doing?

Thomas was useless. Now that has been established, I realised I needed to work faster. A couple minutes passed and a jubilant, little girl stretched her head back to look over the counter. Taking a few steps back, and placing a Cadbury's chocolate bar on the counter, she inquisitively questioned what the rolling machine behind me was. No one ever came for it; the whirring sound of the machine had become a part of the job, so much so that I had forgotten about it.
'That's a lottery ticket. It's a waste of money though and adults only,' I answered her.
I scanned her chocolate bar and put it in a miniature, white bag.
'Ninety pence please,'
She was still looking up at the machine. Perhaps, the kaleidoscope of vibrantly coloured patterns had seized her attention.
'I want a ticket.' she demanded
The clock was ticking towards the noon mark-my lunch time. I didn't have time to argue with a little girl over a skimpy, lottery ticket. Besides, nobody ever bought any to the point that they were now incurring me a net loss.
'Fine. But this is the only time,' I firmly told her
She scurried along the shop floor, lottery ticket in hand, wondering how the game worked.
'You have to scratch it with a coin,' I enlightened her.
She dug the coin into the card, scraping off coloured chips of waxed card, revealing the mystery numbers.
"Not a win today. Sorry buddy. Maybe next time,' I reassured her.
Leaving the ticket on the shop floor, she barged out of the shop floor, knocking over: crisp packets, a box of chocolate and nearly the old lady on a walking stick.

'What an ignorant child', I thought

It had been a few days and Thomas as usual was hiding in the stock room stuffing his face with out-of-date sandwiches. Ding. I glanced up. It was the little girl. She skipped in , coins juggling in her palms.
'A lottery ticket,' She demanded.
'Nice to see you again,' I mentioned.
I pulled off a ticket from the roll and scanned it.
'£3 please,'
Leaving the coins on the counter, she desperately grasped the ticket and ran out of the shop.

Fifteen minutes later, she came running again.
'I think it's a winning ticket,' she squealed
'Sorry buddy, that's an 8 not a 6,' I told her pitifully.
Her smile drooped into a frown and she lethargically walked out.

£50,000. I was one lucky man.

Thank you.
Original post by scarygirl2
Please could someone give me some tips on this and a mark if possible.
I was stuck in a jam. The queue was curving round the corner of the old Wetherspoons pub and faces were no souring in dismay. It was arduous standing behind the counter with a fake smile plastered on my face whilst Thomas was busy skiving on the shop floor.
What was he even doing?
Thomas was useless. Now that has been established, I realised I needed to work faster. A couple minutes passed and a jubilant, little girl stretched her head back to look over the counter. Taking a few steps back, and placing a Cadbury's chocolate bar on the counter, she inquisitively questioned what the rolling machine behind me was. No one ever came for it; the whirring sound of the machine had become a part of the job, so much so that I had forgotten about it.
'That's a lottery ticket. It's a waste of money though and adults only,' I answered her.
I scanned her chocolate bar and put it in a miniature, white bag.
'Ninety pence please,'
She was still looking up at the machine. Perhaps, the kaleidoscope of vibrantly coloured patterns had seized her attention.
'I want a ticket.' she demanded
The clock was ticking towards the noon mark-my lunch time. I didn't have time to argue with a little girl over a skimpy, lottery ticket. Besides, nobody ever bought any to the point that they were now incurring me a net loss.
'Fine. But this is the only time,' I firmly told her
She scurried along the shop floor, lottery ticket in hand, wondering how the game worked.
'You have to scratch it with a coin,' I enlightened her.
She dug the coin into the card, scraping off coloured chips of waxed card, revealing the mystery numbers.
"Not a win today. Sorry buddy. Maybe next time,' I reassured her.
Leaving the ticket on the shop floor, she barged out of the shop floor, knocking over: crisp packets, a box of chocolate and nearly the old lady on a walking stick.
'What an ignorant child', I thought
It had been a few days and Thomas as usual was hiding in the stock room stuffing his face with out-of-date sandwiches. Ding. I glanced up. It was the little girl. She skipped in , coins juggling in her palms.
'A lottery ticket,' She demanded.
'Nice to see you again,' I mentioned.
I pulled off a ticket from the roll and scanned it.
'£3 please,'
Leaving the coins on the counter, she desperately grasped the ticket and ran out of the shop.
Fifteen minutes later, she came running again.
'I think it's a winning ticket,' she squealed
'Sorry buddy, that's an 8 not a 6,' I told her pitifully.
Her smile drooped into a frown and she lethargically walked out.
£50,000. I was one lucky man.
Thank you.

16/16 for spelling/grammar etc. 18/24 for creativity. This only wirks if its aqa though. Add stiff about all the senses, use similes and structural devices. Watch mr salles videos

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