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Can someone mark my gcse english language question 5?

Hi, I've got my english exam this week and was wondering what mark this essay would get. It's for AQA GCSE english language paper 1 question 5 (marks out of 40). Any help would be greatly appreciated!

The clock ticked away, each second echoing through the empty halls of my house. The soft glow of the television screen illuminated the room, casting a warm and cosy ambience. The aroma of buttered popcorn wafted in the air as I nestled into the plush cushions, my favourite movie playing on the screen. The storyline unfolded, pulling me deeper into its narrative, blissfully unaware of the world outside.

However, amidst the captivating narrative, a subtle unease crept into my consciousness. Was it the creaking of the house, or was there something more? I glanced around the dimly lit room, a sudden paranoia gripping my senses, like an invisible presence lurking in the shadows. Reluctantly, I removed my headphones; silence hung in the air like a heavy curtain. I strained my ears, hoping to dismiss the paranoid thoughts that lingered.

Nothing.

Dismissing it as a figment of my imagination, I continued with the movie, the rhythmic crunching of popcorn drowning out the world around me.

A creak echoed through the house like a whisper carried by the wind. My heart quickened, beating like a war drum in my chest. I froze. My eyes flickered toward the closed door to the kitchen, and an inexplicable shiver ran down my spine. My breath was held captive by the anticipation.

Summoning courage, I tiptoed to the door, each step echoing with the erratic rhythm of my pounding heart. The darkness seemed thicker, the shadows more menacing. My hand trembled as I reached for the doorknob, hesitating before opening the door just a crack. Shadows danced ominously on the kitchen walls, casting eerie shapes that twisted my imagination. Every nerve in my body screamed for escape, yet curiosity rooted me to the spot.

I fumbled for my phone, the urgency to reach someone clawing at my insides. The ominous glow of a 10% battery stared back at me. I dialled my family and friends; each call met with the cold embrace of voicemail. Panic set in, my breaths becoming shallow as a chilling realisation crept over me—no one was answering.

Desperation fueled my movements as I stumbled around the room, searching for something to defend myself. The TV remote? Useless. A book? Too flimsy. Finally, my trembling hands found a penknife, its cold blade reflecting the fear in my eyes.

With hesitant steps, I emerged from the safety of my living room, confronting the intruder. Opening the door to the kitchen, I expected to face the looming shadow, but instead, the lights flickered to life. Suddenly, the world around me exploded in light and sound. A chorus of voices yelled, "Surprise!"

Cheers, laughter, and the blinding glow of birthday candles filled the room. I stumbled backwards, disbelief washing over me as I realised what was happening. The shadows in the kitchen were friends, not foes, and the fear that gripped me moments ago evaporated, replaced by laughter and smiles. As the echoes of my heartbeat faded, I embraced the warmth of the unexpected celebration—my own surprise birthday party.
Wow this is amazing! I would give this a 35/40, very little improvements that I would make (bear in mind im also sitting my language paper 1 this week so…) but i did notice 1 or 2 grammatical errors, im sure its just a case of not checking for them but i thought id point it out if you’re looking for improvements. Also maybe try varying paragraph length a bit more, the one word adds variation but the rest are relatively uniform. Overall super good, I wish you the best of luck for the exam!
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