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gcse creative writing feedback

I was wondering if anybody could give me any feedback on my creative writing and what I could do to improve it :smile:

It’s been 201 days. 201 days without feeling the warm embrace of my dear family. 201 days of not knowing the once familiar feeling of sea air delicately brushing against my skin. 201 days trapped within these four confining walls of prison. But today… it is time to escape.

I step outside, engulfed by a blanket of silence around me, only sometimes disturbed by the mechanical whir of the watch tower, the one that is attempting to trace my every move. The air stabs my skin like 1000 knives, causing the hairs on my delicate arm to stand up. As I walk outside, brown footprints remain behind me as the only evidence that exists of where I have been. But, as quickly as they appear behind me, a blanket of fog quickly washes them away.


I squint, searching for where I can go, my eyes darting and my heart quickly beating within me. The clouds are heavy tonight, which is fitting for my escape, fitting for me hiding from the life I wish to never see again. Suddenly, a large cement wall appears outside of the thick canopy of clouds. A layer of barbed wire is perched upon it, reaching out to me and longing to draw blood from my snow-white hands. As I examine the grand wall, I realise that there is simply nowhere to go… but under.

I stare at the dry and cracked soil that my feet are perched on and realise that this will not be an easy task. However, I know that I have no choice because while this escape is everything that I should not do it is also the only way that I can survive so… I begin to dig. Firstly, just a small hole emerges, not large enough for me to get through but symbolic of the path I will take. I continue digging and quickly my nails become home to dirt, the tips of my fingers turn blue and bulging blisters appear on my fingers. I know, deep inside that this is the sacrifice I must take for my heart to continue beating. For me to live a fulfilling life.

After what feels like a lifetime, a dark, claustrophobic hole emerges, just about big enough for my frame to fit through. I begin crawling and my knee is painted blue, like a writer’s ink spilling across parchment.

I think back to when I was a little kid, crawling on the soft and cushioned floor of my house. This is different. This is serious.

A bright white light appears before me. “Is this heaven?” I think to myself “or have I actually made it”. The white light turns into warmth radiating over my body and I realise that this is it. This is what I have been waiting for. I slowly embark outside, my heart now beating quickly not out of fear, but out of excitement.

As I stand up, I notice the sun smiling down on me, the plethora of plants on the now fertile soil and I feel a rivulet descend upon my smile. A large shadow of the prison attempts to engulf me but I step outside of it and take the step to freedom. I should be in there, living the same mundane life but I defied against that. I escaped. So now…

201 days later, I am finally free.
Original post by izabella_2891
I was wondering if anybody could give me any feedback on my creative writing and what I could do to improve it :smile:
It’s been 201 days. 201 days without feeling the warm embrace of my dear family. 201 days of not knowing the once familiar feeling of sea air delicately brushing against my skin. 201 days trapped within these four confining walls of prison. But today… it is time to escape.
I step outside, engulfed by a blanket of silence around me, only sometimes disturbed by the mechanical whir of the watch tower, the one that is attempting to trace my every move. The air stabs my skin like 1000 knives, causing the hairs on my delicate arm to stand up. As I walk outside, brown footprints remain behind me as the only evidence that exists of where I have been. But, as quickly as they appear behind me, a blanket of fog quickly washes them away.
I squint, searching for where I can go, my eyes darting and my heart quickly beating within me. The clouds are heavy tonight, which is fitting for my escape, fitting for me hiding from the life I wish to never see again. Suddenly, a large cement wall appears outside of the thick canopy of clouds. A layer of barbed wire is perched upon it, reaching out to me and longing to draw blood from my snow-white hands. As I examine the grand wall, I realise that there is simply nowhere to go… but under.
I stare at the dry and cracked soil that my feet are perched on and realise that this will not be an easy task. However, I know that I have no choice because while this escape is everything that I should not do it is also the only way that I can survive so… I begin to dig. Firstly, just a small hole emerges, not large enough for me to get through but symbolic of the path I will take. I continue digging and quickly my nails become home to dirt, the tips of my fingers turn blue and bulging blisters appear on my fingers. I know, deep inside that this is the sacrifice I must take for my heart to continue beating. For me to live a fulfilling life.
After what feels like a lifetime, a dark, claustrophobic hole emerges, just about big enough for my frame to fit through. I begin crawling and my knee is painted blue, like a writer’s ink spilling across parchment.
I think back to when I was a little kid, crawling on the soft and cushioned floor of my house. This is different. This is serious.
A bright white light appears before me. “Is this heaven?” I think to myself “or have I actually made it”. The white light turns into warmth radiating over my body and I realise that this is it. This is what I have been waiting for. I slowly embark outside, my heart now beating quickly not out of fear, but out of excitement.
As I stand up, I notice the sun smiling down on me, the plethora of plants on the now fertile soil and I feel a rivulet descend upon my smile. A large shadow of the prison attempts to engulf me but I step outside of it and take the step to freedom. I should be in there, living the same mundane life but I defied against that. I escaped. So now…
201 days later, I am finally free.

It's a very good story, with a clear plot and action. You have used a range of techniques effectively and included some ambitious vocabulary. There is a good variety of sentence lengths, and some variation in sentence starters.
Double check your punctuation - sometimes you use a comma where there should be another piece of punctuation, such as a semi-colon or a hyphen. Also make sure you use a wide range of punctuation; I write a list of all of the punctuation at the top of my page and cross it off when I have used it:

. , ? ! () "" ' ; : -

Make sure you continually use ambitious vocabulary, as in the middle the use of consistant vocabulary decreases but then you throw in a few at the end (which are really good but it would be better to see them intentionally included throughout).

Overall it was a really interesting story, well done and good luck!!!!!!!
Reply 2
Original post by XwhoisthisX
It's a very good story, with a clear plot and action. You have used a range of techniques effectively and included some ambitious vocabulary. There is a good variety of sentence lengths, and some variation in sentence starters.
Double check your punctuation - sometimes you use a comma where there should be another piece of punctuation, such as a semi-colon or a hyphen. Also make sure you use a wide range of punctuation; I write a list of all of the punctuation at the top of my page and cross it off when I have used it:
. , ? ! () "" ' ; : -
Make sure you continually use ambitious vocabulary, as in the middle the use of consistant vocabulary decreases but then you throw in a few at the end (which are really good but it would be better to see them intentionally included throughout).
Overall it was a really interesting story, well done and good luck!!!!!!!


thank you so much! i’ll make sure to include more high level vocab
do you have any idea as to what mark this would get out of 40- no worries if not, ik it’s super hard to mark these!
Original post by izabella_2891
thank you so much! i’ll make sure to include more high level vocab
do you have any idea as to what mark this would get out of 40- no worries if not, ik it’s super hard to mark these!

No sorry I have no idea!! Also I do OCR, so if you do AQA i think the markschemes will be different
Reply 4
Original post by XwhoisthisX
No sorry I have no idea!! Also I do OCR, so if you do AQA i think the markschemes will be different


Thanks anyways! I do edexcel which also seems to be pretty niche for english and finding others that do it😭

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