English Language Q5 Feedback

Is anybody able to give me feedback on a creative writing piece that I made? The question was: 'Write a description of a fishing village.'

-----

I was surrounded by life: thrilling, thriving life. Birds swept the thick clouds from sight, allowing the sun to cast a warm embrace from overhead. The canary yellow complemented the azure blue from behind. In the horizon, a plethora of colours began to define the sky: a deep crimson, amber and tuscany alongside a softer sapphire.

Below, rows of houses were enveloped in chattering and laughter. The buildings ran parallel to one-another, rife with life.

As I walked onto the promenade, I was gagged by the malodorous carcasses of the fishermen's stock. Their foul smell disarmed me - attacking my senses.

I looked to my right, observing the life that was seeking respite on the shore. The fishes' near-lifeless bodies flapped back and forth, and back and forth, yet they remained thankful after escaping the clutches of the tyrannous waves who knived the cliffs contently.

Overhead, the birds had been replaced by a dense darkness - smothering all remaining life. The gilded sun had vanished, no colour remained.

It was all gone; I was surrounded by death.

(edited 11 months ago)

Reply 1

useless-student

no way! my teacher was just going over the same question in school today. well done with your ambitious vocab , punctuation, language devices!💯 good luck for tmrw!!
one question do you like plan your answer? I don't so I wanted to know if you planned this question because it's AMAZINGG!

Reply 2

georg1aa

Original post by useless-student

Thank you! I usually just note down the things I want to discuss, and a couple of good words to describe each of them. Good luck to you as well!

Reply 3

useless-student

is it ok if i show ur work rn to my teacher to see the feedback for it?

Reply 4

useless-student

then u can get a proper feedback?

Reply 5

georg1aa

Original post by useless-student

is it ok if i show ur work rn to my teacher to see the feedback for it?

ofc, that'd be great!

Reply 6

useless-student

k i'm doing it now!

Reply 7

useless-student

is ur answer the whole of q5 or just a dfraft/extract?

Reply 8

useless-student

It’s good , grade would usually depend on overall full answer (as well as combined with section A). So for an exam I would definitely have more than this for a full answer.
Towards the end it could seem a little like a story- as if there was a plot (but you haven’t mentioned it)- it’s good to aim for a smoother transition- (perhaps someone walks indoors…)
For fishes’…
Perhaps rephrase to say.. lifeless bodies of fish