can someone pls mark my Creative writing (aqa)

Could anyone let me know what mark this would be? and any improvements please

I was choking on seawater.

Cruel weapons of water thrashed and battered against my body with an air of discord: The icy liquid broke into my mouth, immediately charging into my oesophagus with an icy, acidic chill. The ominous weighted blanket which lay thousands of meters above me seemed to be collapsing on top of me, snapping each of my ribs like the wishbone of a chicken – only this time there was no hope for me to wish away the ineffable pain. For miles upon miles the only thing i could see were two shades of grey. One being the petrifying inky canvas with speckles of spectacular sparkles delicately placed; the other was the murky piercing liquid which held me prisoner.

Thud. My heartbeat resounded in my dilapidated mind like a warning siren for the odyssey I was about to endure. The current gained a prodigious strength. As the biting conditions worsened, my strength deteriorated. With no warning, I was under. Salt melted through the weak tissue of my mouth. A callous ache in my chest arose as the last of the oxygen left my endangered lungs. Adrenaline, which was once pulsing through my veins had frozen, along with my thoughts. I felt like a mechanical doll moving joint by joint. Was... I going to... die? That was the quickest thought I could think of...

I looked around. For anything. There was just... Me. A cacophony Cold obstructed memories flickered before my eyes like a 1930’s film reel. Where was it?

There.

I was no longer choking. I was with my mom. Her sweet jovial voice could fill any room. A familiar gappy smile greeted me. A smile that remained unchanged despite the horrors and atrocities of sickness which had invaded the body behind it. A poignant emanation of bleach and hygiene unblocked my airways. My mom almost fixed the vision of the monotonous white which surrounded her. She could fix anything. “She’s doing well.” a raspy voice from behind me called.

It was a white lie. She could not be fixed. Not now.

I was never choking on seawater. I was choking on my grief.