The Student Room Group

Am I being stupid?

So, my (20f) bf (21m) has a friend he's close with, who he'sbeen friends with for almost ten years now. It's her (21f) birthday celebration this weekend, and I'm going to be going as I've met her before and we get along. Thing is, she's also his ex. She's gay and looking for a girlfriend. He generally doesn't act interested in her. But a few days ago, he asked me to get a box down, which had ber birthday stuff in it, so I could pass him her card (he'd put it a bit high up and I'm taller than him).

I saw that he got her a mug saying 'best person ever'. I was confused, and he explained about it being an inside joke and something to do about when they were in high school. Then, when I called him today to check in about his friend's birthday celebration tomorrow, he told me I would have to buy my own drinks as he's waiting for his wages to come in and is buying her a few drinks (as well as his own) because it's her birthday. That made me feel a bit jealous. I think I'm just being irrational; most of the time, I trust him, and I want to, but I'm worried that he still has feelings for her. They are very close as I've said so it's probably just that. I feel like I'm being stupid and irrational as sometimes I still get jealous easily, which I know is a problem and I'm trying to work on it. Am I being reasonable or am I just being stupid?
I'd say you're not being stupid - it seems like you are assured nothing will happen with them, but it's normal to have those feelings anyway I think. It's difficult for your bf to be really close to another girl, gay or not, and I don't think calling yourself stupid is the right thing to do. LOGICALLY you may know nothing is going on, but feelings can't be wrong or right. I and most people I know feel jealousy really easily but for women it seems we immediately jump to thinking we're crazy, when it's just normal. If you are genuinely worried he has feelings for her then try and talk to him in a non-accusatory way. I'd say if he's understanding and talks about it with you then good, but if he gets defensive and shuts you down you'd have a right to be annoyed.

Ultimately, I think anyone struggling with jealousy who is aware of their own issues and doesn't take it out on their partner deserves compassion and real advice, because from experience just being told you shouldn't feel that way does nothing except make you feel worse.
It seems pretty unreasonable to me.
Reply 3
Original post by Anonymous
I'd say you're not being stupid - it seems like you are assured nothing will happen with them, but it's normal to have those feelings anyway I think. It's difficult for your bf to be really close to another girl, gay or not, and I don't think calling yourself stupid is the right thing to do. LOGICALLY you may know nothing is going on, but feelings can't be wrong or right. I and most people I know feel jealousy really easily but for women it seems we immediately jump to thinking we're crazy, when it's just normal. If you are genuinely worried he has feelings for her then try and talk to him in a non-accusatory way. I'd say if he's understanding and talks about it with you then good, but if he gets defensive and shuts you down you'd have a right to be annoyed.
Ultimately, I think anyone struggling with jealousy who is aware of their own issues and doesn't take it out on their partner deserves compassion and real advice, because from experience just being told you shouldn't feel that way does nothing except make you feel worse.

Thank you, I find this reassuring to read. Yeah, logically I know he's only got eyes for me, he's a very loving and sweet partner and very dedicated to me. I think you're right. I haven't confronted him about it, or said anything. I think I'll see how the birthday celebration goes, I'm going as a sober chaperone as they both enjoy drinking, whereas I don't as much. I'm aware I need to privately work on this issue without involving him, because it isn't his fault. I know I'm his partner and I am going to say this, but I've spoken to a few people about this-he is objectively a good-looking guy, quite a bit better looking than my average self, so I do think that perhaps plays into it too. Which sounds silly now that I'm writing it down but yeah.
Reply 4
Original post by StevenWong1
It seems pretty unreasonable to me.

That's understandable, can I ask why I'm being unreasonable about this, so that I can learn and grow?
no, you’re not being stupid brudda, that’s really odd. why does he have to buy her drinks??? he should be prioritising you!!! and buying you drinks over himself. mid boyfriend
Reply 6
Original post by spanishjoe
no, you’re not being stupid brudda, that’s really odd. why does he have to buy her drinks??? he should be prioritising you!!! and buying you drinks over himself. mid boyfriend
He drinks alcohol and I don't, so that's maybe why? He's not expecting me to buy them for him. And because it was her birthday. It feels odd but I'm probably just paranoid? I can't tell. It's not like him to be like this. He usually does prioritise me.
doesn’t matter it was her birthday. she has more than one friend i’m sure. he doesn’t owe her drinks, he can pay for like one or two maybe but he’s doing too much. anyways none of us can know for sure because you’ve only told us a bit of info. if you’re now saying he usually prioritises you then it’s fine maybe it’s just a one time thing, relax.
Reply 8
Original post by spanishjoe
doesn’t matter it was her birthday. she has more than one friend i’m sure. he doesn’t owe her drinks, he can pay for like one or two maybe but he’s doing too much. anyways none of us can know for sure because you’ve only told us a bit of info. if you’re now saying he usually prioritises you then it’s fine maybe it’s just a one time thing, relax.

She does, but they're best friends. I think his intention is to buy a few, not necessarily all of them. He does, so you're probably right. Thanks.

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