The Student Room Group

How can I keep my mental health sane whilst living with my housemates?

I currently live with 2 girls who are incredibly close with each other, all 3 of us are friends but as I have quickly realised upon moving in, the way they live is not compatible with the way I live. For example, they do not wash their dishes until they have 0 pans, pots, plates etc. left to use, where as I tend to wash my dishes after use or do 1 big clean of all the dishes I’ve used that day at the end of the day. They also expect me / my parents to buy a lot of the shared items that we use e.g toilet roll, toothpaste, cooking oil, and have only bought these items once, MAYBE twice in some instances, whilst I have bought it nearly every other time. They’re also incredibly loud, play the TV on full volume - our flat is small and my room is the closest to the living room so it gets very loud. Additionally, they barely clean up any of the messes they make & I am the one constantly wiping down and brushing the kitchen / other shared spaces as I do not like mess (this could be a personal issue which I do appreciate, but I’m just making the point of they’re messy). To top it off, they’re generally not the best people (quite rude and self centric), to me it seems as though they don’t think about others around them but I’m not sure if that is just because I have a dislike to them and have a biased opinion, and I’ve only realised this as I’ve come to live with them.

It is really affecting my mental health to the point seeing a message notification from them makes me feel immediately nervous & being in my own flat makes me feel uncomfortable. I now usually spend time at my boyfriends or have him at our flat so that it’s easier to bare.

Does anyone have any advice on how to not let this affect my life as much as it is😭 it is my final year in university and i really don’t want it to be ruined due to the fact I’m living with them. Any advice would be so so appreciated!

Also, I do understand this is a very one sided story and there is probably complaints they have about me, but this is just about how it’s affecting me and how i can make my situation better!! I had never lived with them before this and we were friends since first year, but our group (us 3 + more girls) had a falling out once my housemates got boyfriends and neglected their friendships slightly (but they have apologised for this). Everyone else in the group no longer like them but I remained semi friends with them because i thought it was just excitement on their end from having a boyfriend for the first time ever.

Thank you!!
Getting a chore chart and sticking to it and also having everyone responsible for chipping in on things that are used between everyone is HUGE. You also need to keep it fair-if you're buying a 20 pack of toilet paper and the next girl is buying 4 rolls of ply that's super cheap-then you stick to that four rolls of ply. Keep a lock on your door and stock extra in case you need/want it but remember to bring it back into your room and lock the door so there's no issues. With dishes either get them to stick it in the dishwasher when it's empty or get them to unload it. If that doesn't work-any of your dishes are off limits. I've done it where I've stuck their dishes in front of their rooms (moldy and everything) to showcase it needs to be done. Set a quiet hours rule-at 10pm noise has to be below a certain level. If it's really loud (the fact you can hear it outside)-you can always call the police or get the landlord involved-this will set a hard boundary on the rules (but allow some leeway too-everything can't be strict all the time). But honestly-start standing up for yourself. Start telling them no, or no this isn't for public use. Let what you have run out and keep what you need in your room-eventually somethings going to give.
Original post by Anonymous
I currently live with 2 girls who are incredibly close with each other, all 3 of us are friends but as I have quickly realised upon moving in, the way they live is not compatible with the way I live. For example, they do not wash their dishes until they have 0 pans, pots, plates etc. left to use, where as I tend to wash my dishes after use or do 1 big clean of all the dishes I’ve used that day at the end of the day. They also expect me / my parents to buy a lot of the shared items that we use e.g toilet roll, toothpaste, cooking oil, and have only bought these items once, MAYBE twice in some instances, whilst I have bought it nearly every other time. They’re also incredibly loud, play the TV on full volume - our flat is small and my room is the closest to the living room so it gets very loud. Additionally, they barely clean up any of the messes they make & I am the one constantly wiping down and brushing the kitchen / other shared spaces as I do not like mess (this could be a personal issue which I do appreciate, but I’m just making the point of they’re messy). To top it off, they’re generally not the best people (quite rude and self centric), to me it seems as though they don’t think about others around them but I’m not sure if that is just because I have a dislike to them and have a biased opinion, and I’ve only realised this as I’ve come to live with them.
It is really affecting my mental health to the point seeing a message notification from them makes me feel immediately nervous & being in my own flat makes me feel uncomfortable. I now usually spend time at my boyfriends or have him at our flat so that it’s easier to bare.
Does anyone have any advice on how to not let this affect my life as much as it is😭 it is my final year in university and i really don’t want it to be ruined due to the fact I’m living with them. Any advice would be so so appreciated!
Also, I do understand this is a very one sided story and there is probably complaints they have about me, but this is just about how it’s affecting me and how i can make my situation better!! I had never lived with them before this and we were friends since first year, but our group (us 3 + more girls) had a falling out once my housemates got boyfriends and neglected their friendships slightly (but they have apologised for this). Everyone else in the group no longer like them but I remained semi friends with them because i thought it was just excitement on their end from having a boyfriend for the first time ever.
Thank you!!

Hi there,

This sounds like a really tough situation for you to be in.

I'm sure you already have, and I know it is an uncomfortable situation, but I would say the best thing to do would be to talk to them about it. It's not fair for you to live in a situation where you feel this uncomfortable so I would definitely try and speak to them both in person about this as I always feel like this is better than on text. It may also give them the opportunity to say anything that has been bothering them too, if anything, which could help the general atmosphere if everyone gets the chance to say how they have been feeling. Explain to them how you feel, you never know they may not realise how their behaviour is affecting you and it may encourage them to stop doing certain things that are bothering you.

As has been said above, I think that a chore rota would benefit everyone massively. It would mean that everyone knows when it is their turn to do certain jobs, e.g. the bins and this way it should get done without complaint as everyone knows when they need to do it. This will take the pressure off you doing everything and it also might make them more motivated to help clean up as it will be more obvious if they are not pulling their weight.

I would also agree that you need to keep your things in your room - such as toilet paper as when they start to realise it won't always be there for them to use, they may start to buy it for themselves. Or, if you talk to them about this, you could ask if they would be able to do a shop with you say once a month, or once a week where you buy things like toilet roll, cleaning supples and split the cost. This way everyone is free to use it as they please as you have all paid for it, but you aren't the only one who is buying everything. Of course, this doesn't work for everyone and not everyone might have the money to buy things in bulk but you could still try and do something similar to this.

Overall, taking to them should help them to realise that what they are doing has been affecting you and they need to be more considerate to the fact that they are living with you too and they are making you feel uncomfortable. Try and think of what you want to say before so you don't feel like anything has been missed out!

I hope this helps and it gets better for you,

Lucy -SHU student ambassador.
Original post by Anonymous
I currently live with 2 girls who are incredibly close with each other, all 3 of us are friends but as I have quickly realised upon moving in, the way they live is not compatible with the way I live. For example, they do not wash their dishes until they have 0 pans, pots, plates etc. left to use, where as I tend to wash my dishes after use or do 1 big clean of all the dishes I’ve used that day at the end of the day. They also expect me / my parents to buy a lot of the shared items that we use e.g toilet roll, toothpaste, cooking oil, and have only bought these items once, MAYBE twice in some instances, whilst I have bought it nearly every other time. They’re also incredibly loud, play the TV on full volume - our flat is small and my room is the closest to the living room so it gets very loud. Additionally, they barely clean up any of the messes they make & I am the one constantly wiping down and brushing the kitchen / other shared spaces as I do not like mess (this could be a personal issue which I do appreciate, but I’m just making the point of they’re messy). To top it off, they’re generally not the best people (quite rude and self centric), to me it seems as though they don’t think about others around them but I’m not sure if that is just because I have a dislike to them and have a biased opinion, and I’ve only realised this as I’ve come to live with them.
It is really affecting my mental health to the point seeing a message notification from them makes me feel immediately nervous & being in my own flat makes me feel uncomfortable. I now usually spend time at my boyfriends or have him at our flat so that it’s easier to bare.
Does anyone have any advice on how to not let this affect my life as much as it is😭 it is my final year in university and i really don’t want it to be ruined due to the fact I’m living with them. Any advice would be so so appreciated!
Also, I do understand this is a very one sided story and there is probably complaints they have about me, but this is just about how it’s affecting me and how i can make my situation better!! I had never lived with them before this and we were friends since first year, but our group (us 3 + more girls) had a falling out once my housemates got boyfriends and neglected their friendships slightly (but they have apologised for this). Everyone else in the group no longer like them but I remained semi friends with them because i thought it was just excitement on their end from having a boyfriend for the first time ever.
Thank you!!

Hello there,

I completely understand your situation, as I've had similar issues with a previous flatmate. Dealing with this can really take a toll on your mental health. It's challenging to set boundaries and ask others to take responsibility without coming across as rude.

However, it's important to remember that it's not your responsibility to tolerate this if others aren't doing their part. Friends are supposed to be understanding and supportive. Since you’ve been friends with these people since your first year, have you tried talking to them about how you feel? If not, you definitely should, as it can alleviate a lot of your anxiety.

Be clear about how you feel without making them feel like they are being suddenly attacked. Since you mentioned they are rude and self-centric, directly stating that they are not doing something might trigger them and create more drama. Trust me on this: whenever I've dealt with such people, I always make sure to say that it's very hard for ME and that I AM finding it difficult to manage things on my own rather than YOU not doing XYZ. In situations like this, I've found being direct and honest about MY feelings very helpful. If you still don't see any effort from them, it might be best to focus on your own responsibilities. Only do your part of the chores and refrain from doing theirs.

By setting boundaries and clearly communicating your needs, you can protect your mental well-being and have a healthier living environment. If none of this is working, if I were you I would probably be looking to move out.
Best of luck with everything, and I hope this helps!

Cheers,
Shri (MSc International Business Student).
Original post by Anonymous
I currently live with 2 girls who are incredibly close with each other, all 3 of us are friends but as I have quickly realised upon moving in, the way they live is not compatible with the way I live. For example, they do not wash their dishes until they have 0 pans, pots, plates etc. left to use, where as I tend to wash my dishes after use or do 1 big clean of all the dishes I’ve used that day at the end of the day. They also expect me / my parents to buy a lot of the shared items that we use e.g toilet roll, toothpaste, cooking oil, and have only bought these items once, MAYBE twice in some instances, whilst I have bought it nearly every other time. They’re also incredibly loud, play the TV on full volume - our flat is small and my room is the closest to the living room so it gets very loud. Additionally, they barely clean up any of the messes they make & I am the one constantly wiping down and brushing the kitchen / other shared spaces as I do not like mess (this could be a personal issue which I do appreciate, but I’m just making the point of they’re messy). To top it off, they’re generally not the best people (quite rude and self centric), to me it seems as though they don’t think about others around them but I’m not sure if that is just because I have a dislike to them and have a biased opinion, and I’ve only realised this as I’ve come to live with them.
It is really affecting my mental health to the point seeing a message notification from them makes me feel immediately nervous & being in my own flat makes me feel uncomfortable. I now usually spend time at my boyfriends or have him at our flat so that it’s easier to bare.
Does anyone have any advice on how to not let this affect my life as much as it is😭 it is my final year in university and i really don’t want it to be ruined due to the fact I’m living with them. Any advice would be so so appreciated!
Also, I do understand this is a very one sided story and there is probably complaints they have about me, but this is just about how it’s affecting me and how i can make my situation better!! I had never lived with them before this and we were friends since first year, but our group (us 3 + more girls) had a falling out once my housemates got boyfriends and neglected their friendships slightly (but they have apologised for this). Everyone else in the group no longer like them but I remained semi friends with them because i thought it was just excitement on their end from having a boyfriend for the first time ever.
Thank you!!

Aren't you doing finals now? Usually the year ends in June so you ony have a couple of weeks to go.

Organise a rota so you don't end up doing all the cleaning to get your deposit back.
I buy toilet roll/hand soap, etcetera and keep it in my room and just bring them into the bathroom when I need it if I feel like I’ve bought more than my fair share of communal items. It’s petty but I’m not paying for things disproportionately. You could do something like that with shared toiletries. And just wash your own dishes/clean up anything you spill and ignore the messes they make. You can eat in your room if you don’t like to look at the mess while eating, I do that fairly often

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