Can somone mark my english lang paper 2 q5 for aqa please!!

Can somone mark my english lang paper 2 q5 for aqa please!!

here it is:

‘Festivals and fairs should be banned. They encourage bad behaviour and are disruptive to local communities.’
Write a letter to your local newspaper in which you argue for or against this statement. (40)

Dear Editor,

I am writing to you today to express my strong opposition to the suggestion that festivals and fairs should be banned due to their alleged encouragement of bad behaviour and disruption to local communities. I believe festivals and fairs are not merely occasions for celebration; they are vital for community cohesion, economic prosperity, and cultural enrichment.

Festivals and fairs are the heart of our community, weaving the fabric of social connection and cultural heritage. To strip away these events would be to sever the very threads that bind us together. Picture a garden deprived of sunlight; it withers and loses its vitality. Likewise, our community, devoid of these celebrations, would become a shadow of its former self, devoid of joy and unity.

The argument that festivals and fairs encourage bad behavior is, at best, a sweeping generalization and, at worst, an unfair vilification of events that bring immense joy to thousands. The vast majority of people at festivals and fairs are families and individuals who participate in these events to create lasting memories, savoring the shared experience of community spirit. By suggesting a ban to these events its as if your eliminating the greater good of festivals alongside the bad

Furthermore, these events are economic powerhouses. They act as the engines that fuel local businesses, offering vital support to vendors, artists, and artisans who depend on the influx of visitors. The economic boost from these festivals can be the deciding factor between flourishing and shutting down for many small enterprises.Banning festivals would be like removing a vital lifeline, throwing these hardworking community members into financial distress.

I hope you take into consideration these views and the impact they would have on our society before making this great decision. Banning festivals and fairs would be to rob us of our cultural vibrancy, economic vitality, and opportunities for genuine human connection. Let us not allow a few isolated incidents to overshadow the overwhelming good these events bring.

Yours sincerely, (name)

Reply 1

JF ZAK

21

hi
here is some
Feedback
Dear Editor, (The opening sentence is clear and sets the tone for the letter.))
I am writing to you today to express my strong opposition to the suggestion that festivals and fairs should be banned due to their alleged encouragement of bad behaviour and disruption to local communities. I believe festivals and fairs are not merely occasions for celebration; they are vital for community cohesion, economic prosperity, and cultural enrichment. (This paragraph effectively uses a metaphor to illustrate the importance of festivals and fairs to the community. The comparison to a garden deprived of sunlight is vivid and compelling. The student successfully conveys the idea that these events are integral to the community's social fabric. The language is sophisticated, and the argument is well-developed. However, the transition between sentences could be smoother to enhance the flow of ideas.)
Festivals and fairs are the heart of our community, weaving the fabric of social connection and cultural heritage. To strip away these events would be to sever the very threads that bind us together. Picture a garden deprived of sunlight; it withers and loses its vitality. Likewise, our community, devoid of these celebrations, would become a shadow of its former self, devoid of joy and unity. (The student addresses the counterargument about bad behavior at festivals and fairs, which is a strong rhetorical strategy. The use of 'sweeping generalization' and 'unfair vilification' shows a good command of language. The paragraph is persuasive and well-structured, but there is a minor grammatical error in 'its as if your eliminating' which should be 'it's as if you're eliminating'.)
The argument that festivals and fairs encourage bad behavior is, at best, a sweeping generalization and, at worst, an unfair vilification of events that bring immense joy to thousands. The vast majority of people at festivals and fairs are families and individuals who participate in these events to create lasting memories, savoring the shared experience of community spirit. By suggesting a ban to these events its as if your eliminating the greater good of festivals alongside the bad (This paragraph highlights the economic benefits of festivals and fairs, which adds depth to the argument. The student uses strong phrases like 'economic powerhouses' and 'vital lifeline' to emphasize the importance of these events. The argument is clear and well-supported, but the paragraph could be improved by providing specific examples or statistics to strengthen the claim.)
Furthermore, these events are economic powerhouses. They act as the engines that fuel local businesses, offering vital support to vendors, artists, and artisans who depend on the influx of visitors. The economic boost from these festivals can be the deciding factor between flourishing and shutting down for many small enterprises.Banning festivals would be like removing a vital lifeline, throwing these hardworking community members into financial distress. (The concluding paragraph effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces the student's stance. The use of phrases like 'cultural vibrancy' and 'genuine human connection' adds emotional appeal. The call to action is clear and appropriate for the letter's purpose. However, the paragraph could be more impactful by reiterating the key arguments more succinctly.)
I hope you take into consideration these views and the impact they would have on our society before making this great decision. Banning festivals and fairs would be to rob us of our cultural vibrancy, economic vitality, and opportunities for genuine human connection. Let us not allow a few isolated incidents to overshadow the overwhelming good these events bring. (The closing is appropriate and formal, fitting the context of a letter to a newspaper. The student maintains a respectful tone throughout, which is suitable for the audience and purpose. Including the student's name would make the letter more personal and complete.)
Level: 4
Mark: 34 - 38
Overall feedback: The student has produced a compelling and convincing letter that effectively argues against the banning of festivals and fairs. The language is sophisticated, and the arguments are well-developed and supported. The student demonstrates a strong command of tone, style, and register, which are consistently matched to the purpose and audience. There are minor grammatical errors and areas where the flow of ideas could be improved, but overall, the response is highly engaging and persuasive.
What went well: The student effectively uses sophisticated language and compelling arguments to convey their stance. The use of metaphors and rhetorical strategies enhances the persuasiveness of the letter. The tone, style, and register are well-matched to the purpose and audience.
Even better if: The student could improve the flow of ideas by ensuring smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Providing specific examples or statistics to support the economic benefits of festivals and fairs would strengthen the argument. Additionally, addressing minor grammatical errors would enhance the overall quality of the letter.

Reply 2

doughnutsareslay

OP

12

Original post by JF ZAK

hi
here is some
Feedback
Dear Editor, (The opening sentence is clear and sets the tone for the letter.))
I am writing to you today to express my strong opposition to the suggestion that festivals and fairs should be banned due to their alleged encouragement of bad behaviour and disruption to local communities. I believe festivals and fairs are not merely occasions for celebration; they are vital for community cohesion, economic prosperity, and cultural enrichment. (This paragraph effectively uses a metaphor to illustrate the importance of festivals and fairs to the community. The comparison to a garden deprived of sunlight is vivid and compelling. The student successfully conveys the idea that these events are integral to the community's social fabric. The language is sophisticated, and the argument is well-developed. However, the transition between sentences could be smoother to enhance the flow of ideas.)
Festivals and fairs are the heart of our community, weaving the fabric of social connection and cultural heritage. To strip away these events would be to sever the very threads that bind us together. Picture a garden deprived of sunlight; it withers and loses its vitality. Likewise, our community, devoid of these celebrations, would become a shadow of its former self, devoid of joy and unity. (The student addresses the counterargument about bad behavior at festivals and fairs, which is a strong rhetorical strategy. The use of 'sweeping generalization' and 'unfair vilification' shows a good command of language. The paragraph is persuasive and well-structured, but there is a minor grammatical error in 'its as if your eliminating' which should be 'it's as if you're eliminating'.)
The argument that festivals and fairs encourage bad behavior is, at best, a sweeping generalization and, at worst, an unfair vilification of events that bring immense joy to thousands. The vast majority of people at festivals and fairs are families and individuals who participate in these events to create lasting memories, savoring the shared experience of community spirit. By suggesting a ban to these events its as if your eliminating the greater good of festivals alongside the bad (This paragraph highlights the economic benefits of festivals and fairs, which adds depth to the argument. The student uses strong phrases like 'economic powerhouses' and 'vital lifeline' to emphasize the importance of these events. The argument is clear and well-supported, but the paragraph could be improved by providing specific examples or statistics to strengthen the claim.)
Furthermore, these events are economic powerhouses. They act as the engines that fuel local businesses, offering vital support to vendors, artists, and artisans who depend on the influx of visitors. The economic boost from these festivals can be the deciding factor between flourishing and shutting down for many small enterprises.Banning festivals would be like removing a vital lifeline, throwing these hardworking community members into financial distress. (The concluding paragraph effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces the student's stance. The use of phrases like 'cultural vibrancy' and 'genuine human connection' adds emotional appeal. The call to action is clear and appropriate for the letter's purpose. However, the paragraph could be more impactful by reiterating the key arguments more succinctly.)
I hope you take into consideration these views and the impact they would have on our society before making this great decision. Banning festivals and fairs would be to rob us of our cultural vibrancy, economic vitality, and opportunities for genuine human connection. Let us not allow a few isolated incidents to overshadow the overwhelming good these events bring. (The closing is appropriate and formal, fitting the context of a letter to a newspaper. The student maintains a respectful tone throughout, which is suitable for the audience and purpose. Including the student's name would make the letter more personal and complete.)
Level: 4
Mark: 34 - 38
Overall feedback: The student has produced a compelling and convincing letter that effectively argues against the banning of festivals and fairs. The language is sophisticated, and the arguments are well-developed and supported. The student demonstrates a strong command of tone, style, and register, which are consistently matched to the purpose and audience. There are minor grammatical errors and areas where the flow of ideas could be improved, but overall, the response is highly engaging and persuasive.
What went well: The student effectively uses sophisticated language and compelling arguments to convey their stance. The use of metaphors and rhetorical strategies enhances the persuasiveness of the letter. The tone, style, and register are well-matched to the purpose and audience.
Even better if: The student could improve the flow of ideas by ensuring smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Providing specific examples or statistics to support the economic benefits of festivals and fairs would strengthen the argument. Additionally, addressing minor grammatical errors would enhance the overall quality of the letter.