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English lang paper 2 q5

Could anyone mark this?

Write a letter to the health minister about the importance of having a healthy lifestyle.

I'm writing to you to highlight a growing concern, and one that has the power to impact the future of the younger generation. The obesity crisis has become an epidemic, and it's something that could have been prevented. Obesity has become a leading cause of death in the Western World. This is appalling for a preventable concern, and as a community we should take responsibility for this epidemic.
Obesity is the leading cause of death in the United Kingdom, which is an extremely dangerous thing. It's time the country and its people begin taking responsibility for their poor lifestyle choices.
This is a problem that can be fixed, if not prevented. The government has the power and the people have the knowledge.
The problem is caused by the over consumption of high calorie foods, coupled with low amounts of physical activity. People eat more than they need, and exercise less than they should. This is an easy fix, and there's no excuse not to be taking responsibility for this epidemic.
The key to prevention lies in the hands of the consumers and the government. The consumers can do their bit by reducing the amount of fatty foods and sugar they eat, and the government can take action to make sure junk food companies are forced to include the nutritional value of their products.
The health of our children is at risk, and unless the government does something soon, the problem will only get worse.
If nothing is done, obesity rates are set to triple over the next decade, and that means an even greater risk to the health and well-being of the younger generation.
Obesity is the biggest health threat in the United Kingdom today, and we cannot stand by and let it continue.
It's time to take action.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Yours sincerely,
Bob Cratchit.

Reply 1

Heylove

This is really good! Your structure is easy to follow and not repetitive so it flows really well. Not sure what mark I’d give this exactly as I’m not a teacher but I do English a level and this would definitely be in a high band!

Maybe for some improvement, write about who you’re addressing (the name/organisation etc), and possibly write one more paragraph!

Reply 2

nhiyaa6

Original post by Heylove

This is really good! Your structure is easy to follow and not repetitive so it flows really well. Not sure what mark I’d give this exactly as I’m not a teacher but I do English a level and this would definitely be in a high band!
Maybe for some improvement, write about who you’re addressing (the name/organisation etc), and possibly write one more paragraph!