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Should I break up with my gf because she can't find a job?

I 19f have been dating my girlfriend 20f since last year. She moved in with me and my parents after only 2 months (she didnt have to pay any rent nor food). She quit school and tried to aply to different apprenticeships. Sadly she didn't get accepted to any of them and started working on her music career. She ended up signing up to be a guitar teacher. (she didnt have students back then though) On new years we went to visit her parents and celebrated together. When we wanted to get back home at my place, a huge fight struck out between my parents and me. My girlfriend and I decided to move in with her parents and start a new life, new jobs, basically a restart in all of this. After a month i got lucky and got a job that I really enjoy. My girlfriend didn't get lucky and continued looking for 5 months. Or so I thought.
A month ago I asked her how the job hunt was going and she told me she applied for this one job she found that day. I asked her about it and she told me it was a bakery in like another town (something along those lines). i asked her if she can show me the ad. She got nervous and showed me the site, but without any ad of a bakery or anything in another town. She admitted to me later that she lied to me and didn't apply that day to anything. Nor anything in the past 5 months. l
Like around maybe 5-10 jobs in total.
I'm really upset. During this, ive payed around 3'500 bucks to her parents for rent. And for context her parents and i don't even get along anymore, because of multiple fights. Her parents have asked me to loan a car for them, and borrow them a lot of money. (I didn't end up loaning a car for them and only payed them rent, also my gf's healthcare)
I've tried so hard to work and save up to get out of her parents home, but hearing her admit that she hasn't been looking for jobs, broke my heart. She stays home everyday, I'm sad she couldn't take 30 minutes out of the day to look for a job.
I feel like i have to clarify that her mental health isn't doing too well. She has really bad depression.
I feel like she does really love me though, she always cooked meals for me to take to work. We get along well, like really well when talking about interest and stuff but I just can't keep living here like this. And it doesn't feel like shes making any efforts. Like she has only applied to jobs when I showed her some ads. We both clean our room, but I do the deep cleaning like dusting the tables, cleaning the dirt, vacuuming, changing the bedsheeths...

all in short:
My gf hasn't found a job in over 6 months. I've been paying rent and dealing with her horrible parents. She then lied to me about signing up for jobs.
I don't know what to do.
Reply 1
For real? Is that a real problem or just some excuse. Enjoy life whatever you'd like to do when you would be free otherwise and yeah enjoy!
Original post by Anonymous
I 19f have been dating my girlfriend 20f since last year. She moved in with me and my parents after only 2 months (she didnt have to pay any rent nor food). She quit school and tried to aply to different apprenticeships. Sadly she didn't get accepted to any of them and started working on her music career. She ended up signing up to be a guitar teacher. (she didnt have students back then though) On new years we went to visit her parents and celebrated together. When we wanted to get back home at my place, a huge fight struck out between my parents and me. My girlfriend and I decided to move in with her parents and start a new life, new jobs, basically a restart in all of this. After a month i got lucky and got a job that I really enjoy. My girlfriend didn't get lucky and continued looking for 5 months. Or so I thought.
A month ago I asked her how the job hunt was going and she told me she applied for this one job she found that day. I asked her about it and she told me it was a bakery in like another town (something along those lines). i asked her if she can show me the ad. She got nervous and showed me the site, but without any ad of a bakery or anything in another town. She admitted to me later that she lied to me and didn't apply that day to anything. Nor anything in the past 5 months. l
Like around maybe 5-10 jobs in total.
I'm really upset. During this, ive payed around 3'500 bucks to her parents for rent. And for context her parents and i don't even get along anymore, because of multiple fights. Her parents have asked me to loan a car for them, and borrow them a lot of money. (I didn't end up loaning a car for them and only payed them rent, also my gf's healthcare)
I've tried so hard to work and save up to get out of her parents home, but hearing her admit that she hasn't been looking for jobs, broke my heart. She stays home everyday, I'm sad she couldn't take 30 minutes out of the day to look for a job.
I feel like i have to clarify that her mental health isn't doing too well. She has really bad depression.
I feel like she does really love me though, she always cooked meals for me to take to work. We get along well, like really well when talking about interest and stuff but I just can't keep living here like this. And it doesn't feel like shes making any efforts. Like she has only applied to jobs when I showed her some ads. We both clean our room, but I do the deep cleaning like dusting the tables, cleaning the dirt, vacuuming, changing the bedsheeths...
all in short:
My gf hasn't found a job in over 6 months. I've been paying rent and dealing with her horrible parents. She then lied to me about signing up for jobs.
I don't know what to do.

I’m not sure why you fought with your parents and moved out but fought with your gf’s parents and stayed whilst paying them rent. This may sound harsh but you are being mugged off by everyone in that house.

I’d suggest that you either return to your own family home or look for somewhere else to stay. Good luck
Original post by Anonymous
I 19f have been dating my girlfriend 20f since last year. She moved in with me and my parents after only 2 months (she didnt have to pay any rent nor food). She quit school and tried to aply to different apprenticeships. Sadly she didn't get accepted to any of them and started working on her music career. She ended up signing up to be a guitar teacher. (she didnt have students back then though) On new years we went to visit her parents and celebrated together. When we wanted to get back home at my place, a huge fight struck out between my parents and me. My girlfriend and I decided to move in with her parents and start a new life, new jobs, basically a restart in all of this. After a month i got lucky and got a job that I really enjoy. My girlfriend didn't get lucky and continued looking for 5 months. Or so I thought.
A month ago I asked her how the job hunt was going and she told me she applied for this one job she found that day. I asked her about it and she told me it was a bakery in like another town (something along those lines). i asked her if she can show me the ad. She got nervous and showed me the site, but without any ad of a bakery or anything in another town. She admitted to me later that she lied to me and didn't apply that day to anything. Nor anything in the past 5 months. l
Like around maybe 5-10 jobs in total.
I'm really upset. During this, ive payed around 3'500 bucks to her parents for rent. And for context her parents and i don't even get along anymore, because of multiple fights. Her parents have asked me to loan a car for them, and borrow them a lot of money. (I didn't end up loaning a car for them and only payed them rent, also my gf's healthcare)
I've tried so hard to work and save up to get out of her parents home, but hearing her admit that she hasn't been looking for jobs, broke my heart. She stays home everyday, I'm sad she couldn't take 30 minutes out of the day to look for a job.
I feel like i have to clarify that her mental health isn't doing too well. She has really bad depression.
I feel like she does really love me though, she always cooked meals for me to take to work. We get along well, like really well when talking about interest and stuff but I just can't keep living here like this. And it doesn't feel like shes making any efforts. Like she has only applied to jobs when I showed her some ads. We both clean our room, but I do the deep cleaning like dusting the tables, cleaning the dirt, vacuuming, changing the bedsheeths...
all in short:
My gf hasn't found a job in over 6 months. I've been paying rent and dealing with her horrible parents. She then lied to me about signing up for jobs.
I don't know what to do.
God, that sounds like a shitshow, I'm sorry that you're dealing with all of that. I wanted to give my thoughts on this.
Just like Wired_1800 said, I don't understand why you two decided to move out from your parents' place when you had an argument, but decided to stay at hers when you had an argument with them. I don't understand what compelled you to do that, especially when you weren't paying rent at your parents' place. I assume it has something to do with the fact that you had that argument with your parents before, but even so. It also doesn't make sense why she quit school. You hopefully know better. To be fair to both of you, finding a job when you quit school is actually really hard. It depends on a lot of factors, like education levels and stuff. "After a month i got lucky and got a job that I really enjoy." I think this is really important to highlight. You didn't just get lucky that you got a job you enjoy, you got lucky to even find a job, honestly. You're 19, so I assume you haven't finished university. That is probably a bigger accomplishment than you realize.
About the bakery/lying situation, I'm speaking here as someone who has been struggling with motivation because of my mental state for over 5 years at this point. I'm not an authority on this subject, and you know your gf better than me. I think she's very much in the wrong for lying to you about it, but I can think of reasons why she would. For a lot of us, it feels horrible to be perceived as somebody that's lazy, uncaring, etc. etc. etc. Assuming that she actually struggles mentally and isn't using that as blame deflection, then i really think that she did that because she didn't want to seem like a loser in your eyes. Especially considering that she could have felt inferior to you, exactly because you found a job so easily. That doesn't excuse the fact that she lied to you, but i don't think that she lied to you just for the sake of lying to you. You two seem to have a lot of issues communicating about things that actually matter. To change topic, the fact that you also had to pay rent to your parents seems like a nightmare. Why did you decide to move there if you two knew you'd have to pay rent to her parents? "I feel like i have to clarify that her mental health isn't doing too well. She has really bad depression." I feel like a lot of the issues going on are mostly stemming from this.
I don't really know what more I can say. I think the best course of action would be to go back to your parents, and have a talk with your girlfriend to see if it's worth it to continue having the relationship. Also, I feel like it's important to mention this. Did you two ever have the capability to move back to your parents, up until now?. Also, how is your gf's relationship with her parents? If it's just you that's arguing with them, then you need to leave both her and the parents. But if it's both of you having arguments with them, then i really can't see how she would be complicit.

TLDR - You two seem to have a lot of issues communicating. If she's not complicit with her parents, i don't think this enough reason to break up over, considering that a lot of it is chance and circumstance. IMO, the best thing you could do is move back in with your parents, and then decide if it's worth it to talk with her about it. You two seem to be on good terms other than this. People make mistakes, even more so when they're stressed, not doing well mentally, or when they have a change in environment. You need time to process your feelings about the whole situation. She seems to need a bit of a reality check. But you also don't seem to hate each other. Give it some time, and talk to her about what happened.
Original post by Anonymous
I 19f have been dating my girlfriend 20f since last year. She moved in with me and my parents after only 2 months (she didnt have to pay any rent nor food). She quit school and tried to aply to different apprenticeships. Sadly she didn't get accepted to any of them and started working on her music career. She ended up signing up to be a guitar teacher. (she didnt have students back then though) On new years we went to visit her parents and celebrated together. When we wanted to get back home at my place, a huge fight struck out between my parents and me. My girlfriend and I decided to move in with her parents and start a new life, new jobs, basically a restart in all of this. After a month i got lucky and got a job that I really enjoy. My girlfriend didn't get lucky and continued looking for 5 months. Or so I thought.
A month ago I asked her how the job hunt was going and she told me she applied for this one job she found that day. I asked her about it and she told me it was a bakery in like another town (something along those lines). i asked her if she can show me the ad. She got nervous and showed me the site, but without any ad of a bakery or anything in another town. She admitted to me later that she lied to me and didn't apply that day to anything. Nor anything in the past 5 months. l
Like around maybe 5-10 jobs in total.
I'm really upset. During this, ive payed around 3'500 bucks to her parents for rent. And for context her parents and i don't even get along anymore, because of multiple fights. Her parents have asked me to loan a car for them, and borrow them a lot of money. (I didn't end up loaning a car for them and only payed them rent, also my gf's healthcare)
I've tried so hard to work and save up to get out of her parents home, but hearing her admit that she hasn't been looking for jobs, broke my heart. She stays home everyday, I'm sad she couldn't take 30 minutes out of the day to look for a job.
I feel like i have to clarify that her mental health isn't doing too well. She has really bad depression.
I feel like she does really love me though, she always cooked meals for me to take to work. We get along well, like really well when talking about interest and stuff but I just can't keep living here like this. And it doesn't feel like shes making any efforts. Like she has only applied to jobs when I showed her some ads. We both clean our room, but I do the deep cleaning like dusting the tables, cleaning the dirt, vacuuming, changing the bedsheeths...
all in short:
My gf hasn't found a job in over 6 months. I've been paying rent and dealing with her horrible parents. She then lied to me about signing up for jobs.
I don't know what to do.
You do not need to feel like you own her something just because she cooks you meals and she had bad mental health. Her having this doesn't mean ur feelings arent valid and it doesnt mean that you aren't allowed to feel a certain way. I can understand why she lied abt her job but imagine if you didn't ask - how long would she have kept lying for? I hope ur gf is aware of how her parents treat you too, bc if she is aware but not doing or saying anything - then you might as well walk away now. Remember that just because someone has mental illness, doesn't mean you have to stay in the relationship. Think about the way you feel too
I have not experienced this but this all sounds very exhausting so I can't imagine how you feel. Just break up - 6 months is a long time and with no change, you don't have to feel the need to stay there longer.
I think most people would have lost patience and ended things at this point. Completely valid.

I honestly think it depends whether she's trying to get her MH sorted, (or if she's willing to). Again, your decision if you're willing to stick around for that.
Original post by Admit-One
I think most people would have lost patience and ended things at this point. Completely valid.
I honestly think it depends whether she's trying to get her MH sorted, (or if she's willing to). Again, your decision if you're willing to stick around for that.
Plus one on this one. It's obviously a lot for OP to deal with this, and wanting to break things up is valid. But if OP's GF is genuinely trying to sort things out and manage her MH and is sincerely trying to get better, then I don't really it's the worst idea to stick around. If they genuinely love each other, they should try to work this out. But that's only if OP still has the patience for it, and if she still cares for her GF.
Take a while to calm down. A break-up isn't the only solution.

When I lost my job in November, I applied to 400 roles in under a month. It sucked and I hated it but the mortgage doesn't pay itself. I accepted the third job offer I received (first two had sketchy contracts and FIL advised not take them) in the January, and started in the role in February. There are always new jobs being listed - she just needs to get applying.

She's not enrolled in education, right? Encourage her to sign up to Universal Credit. They will hold her accountable in the job search so that you don't have to (as that's not your responsibility). They will help her with her CV, give her interview advice, and check in with her every week to make sure that she's continuing to apply for jobs. They're pretty strict with their sanctions, which result in UC payment deductions, so they provide a good incentive to actually attend their meetings! That will take some of the pressure off of you and hopefully off your relationship as well.
(edited 7 months ago)
As someone who's been pursuing music, I understand how difficult it can be to get started, especially when things don't go as planned.
Will you find anyone better looking realistically?
Reply 10
I have some sympathy with your girlfriend having had depression myself. That said its a bad situation for you and you cant just endure it without limits because your girlfriend is ill. I hope your gf is seeking help i.e. doctor/therapist etc as "the black dog" rarely just goes away on his own. Depression is a nasty problem as it takes away your desire to do anything, including the things (like finding a job, taking exercise, seeking help etc) which would improve matters.

Some possible questions to ask yourself:

1) If your girlfriend was healthy and applying for jobs (or had a job) would you still want to stay in the relationship? If the answer is no then you know what to do (but do it gently)
2) Could you move back with your parents (just you, not your gf)? Living with in laws who are trying to mooch off you is not a good place to be. You would then both have some space and your girlfriend might take some action.
3) What do you want? Do you want out of the whole situation, or do you want your girlfriend back to health so you can continue life together?

Good luck.
so i know you got a lot of replies with a lot of different advice, but i think you should rlly just talk to your girlfriend about how the whole situation makes you feel and suggest that she get help for her depression. also consider moving out of her parents' place and find an apartment or smth because it sounds like your relation with them is toxic
good luck, i hope you can resolve your problems :smile:
Original post by Anonymous
I 19f have been dating my girlfriend 20f since last year. She moved in with me and my parents after only 2 months (she didnt have to pay any rent nor food). She quit school and tried to aply to different apprenticeships. Sadly she didn't get accepted to any of them and started working on her music career. She ended up signing up to be a guitar teacher. (she didnt have students back then though) On new years we went to visit her parents and celebrated together. When we wanted to get back home at my place, a huge fight struck out between my parents and me. My girlfriend and I decided to move in with her parents and start a new life, new jobs, basically a restart in all of this. After a month i got lucky and got a job that I really enjoy. My girlfriend didn't get lucky and continued looking for 5 months. Or so I thought.
A month ago I asked her how the job hunt was going and she told me she applied for this one job she found that day. I asked her about it and she told me it was a bakery in like another town (something along those lines). i asked her if she can show me the ad. She got nervous and showed me the site, but without any ad of a bakery or anything in another town. She admitted to me later that she lied to me and didn't apply that day to anything. Nor anything in the past 5 months. l
Like around maybe 5-10 jobs in total.
I'm really upset. During this, ive payed around 3'500 bucks to her parents for rent. And for context her parents and i don't even get along anymore, because of multiple fights. Her parents have asked me to loan a car for them, and borrow them a lot of money. (I didn't end up loaning a car for them and only payed them rent, also my gf's healthcare)
I've tried so hard to work and save up to get out of her parents home, but hearing her admit that she hasn't been looking for jobs, broke my heart. She stays home everyday, I'm sad she couldn't take 30 minutes out of the day to look for a job.
I feel like i have to clarify that her mental health isn't doing too well. She has really bad depression.
I feel like she does really love me though, she always cooked meals for me to take to work. We get along well, like really well when talking about interest and stuff but I just can't keep living here like this. And it doesn't feel like shes making any efforts. Like she has only applied to jobs when I showed her some ads. We both clean our room, but I do the deep cleaning like dusting the tables, cleaning the dirt, vacuuming, changing the bedsheeths...
all in short:
My gf hasn't found a job in over 6 months. I've been paying rent and dealing with her horrible parents. She then lied to me about signing up for jobs.
I don't know what to do.


Can I just say it's really hard to get a job these days. The job market isn't actually as great as everyone is saying it is. Maybe don't be so harsh on her.

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