How can I improve at structuring my English answers?

In my english answers I feel like I'm making high level analysis but it gets clouded by waffle language to introduce and link the point.
For example:
The writer uses language to make the Hartop family seem cruel to one another. In the quote "Thin, angular man, starved face" and "occupy almost all the seat sprawling awkwardly." the writer makes use of the rule of three to depict the image of a man starved both in the physical sense and social sense, with his interaction with his family being devoid of empathy and kindness. This is shown by his actions as he "seemed to occupy almost all the seat, sprawling awkwardly". This shows his clear lack of regard or love for his family. The phrase "sprawling awkwardly" illustrates the lack of comfort the man has in his position, haphazardly spreading out on his seat. The text continues by sitting that he did this "so his wife and their daughter Alice at squeezed up". The word "so" illustrates his intentions were to leave his family with a lack of space and comfort, showing his dislike and callous attitude towards his family. Mr Hartop's staved figure illustrating his lack of emotional kindness, and his actions being deliberate to cause pain to his family shows how the Hartop family is shown to be one in which they are cruel and mistreat each other. For this I got a 6/8.

Well done, but you definitely want to embed your quotes more; don't ever say "in the quote." You can say instead, "the writer uses the rule of three when he described Hartop as a "thin, angular man, starved face..." which depicts Hartop as ..." I would also suggest breaking up your answer into 2/3 clear distinct points, which you can structure about effects and techniques. Also, focus on how the Hartops (I can't quite remember the exact question) appears to a reader. You must also state the techniques, rather than saying "the phrase/the word;" "so" is an adverb and you could reference the "sprawling" as in the present continuous tense - creating immediacy. But definitely split this answer up into paragraphs, and make a clear link at the end. With all that, you should probably get 8/8. Hope this helps