I'm feeling useless following conflict with my parents.

I've possibly had the worst evening in my life.

I went to pick my parents up from the airport, and brought them to my flat so they could pick up their car that I kept here for them.

Everything was great. We caught up and made plans for their stay.

My parents car has trouble with its lights. They work but aren't as powerful as they should be (cable issue).

I drove to a garage at my dad's request a week or so ago to get them repaired, but they've failed again. This was a 3 hour round trip for me and meant I couldn't study.

This evening, I had offered my dad a hand with his suitcases, and he responds "No I don't need help, and besides you've done nothing at all". I have done service, after service, after service, after service for him for months on end over this year. The most banal kind of things like mowing his lawn, turning his heating on, checking on his house when it had been burgled, check on the garage's progress with his car repairs and repaint job ( the repaint job span 3 months - I had to make the trip every single time almost every week in that period ). Amongst other things.

I'm at the end of my tether. I'm going to talkabout it to my psychiatrist this week, but I'm utterly bewildered.

My mum was stood there saying "Give it a rest, don't start", whilst my dad is saying the most outrageous things imaginable.

Now I'll get the customary call from my brother saying "Think about dad, he's 80; think about mum because she just fought off cancer". I'm so sick of it. I'm sat here marinating over it, constantly thinking I'm at fault. My mind is blown out.

Reply 1

Muttly

It's understandable that you feel so unappreciated, and words like that just pole axe you when you are in an exhausted state of mind.

It hurts. Sleep on it and proactively take the feed back of the insult back to your Dad (if appropriate) when the atmosphere is calm and you are in a one to one with him. Often adults need an audience to kick off to because they feed off 'bigging' themselves up.

I don't know anything about your Dad but sometimes head injuries, damaged irritated brains created by a stroke, a bleed, tumours, dementia can all make rational emotional speech and conversation difficult. The filters are removed - You can never win an argument with someone with a damaged brain. In their head they are right and will argue the point till the sun sets. You will always lose. If that is the case you are not talking to your Dad you are talking with a damaged brain. The brain wins and the sentiments he expresses are not necessarily what he genuinely thinks or what is right.

So now ring fence your study and your interests. Don't change who you are as a kind and caring person. If something needs doing that another family member could do - ask them to do it. If it doesn't get done it doesn't get done. The world won't end if you don't do it. People might grizzle because they are so used to you doing absolutely everything for others and putting yourself second. When you change that people step back in surprise. Try this on small issues first. You don't have to explain. You just have to be comfortable saying 'I would love to do that but right at this moment I can't' or 'I'm sorry I'm already tied up with x y z" If you don't fiercely defend your own corner and your life path no one else will.

Reply 2

bimbibap

He’s 80, at that age, old ppl say a lot of things they don’t actually comprehend. The brain is slowly losing processing power and capacity, I wouldn’t take it personally. It’s harder bc it makes looking after them feel like a job that u aren’t appreciated for, but that’s life, sometimes there is no applause or gratitude, but you still got to do what’s necessary.

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

I've possibly had the worst evening in my life.
I went to pick my parents up from the airport, and brought them to my flat so they could pick up their car that I kept here for them.
Everything was great. We caught up and made plans for their stay.
My parents car has trouble with its lights. They work but aren't as powerful as they should be (cable issue).
I drove to a garage at my dad's request a week or so ago to get them repaired, but they've failed again. This was a 3 hour round trip for me and meant I couldn't study.
This evening, I had offered my dad a hand with his suitcases, and he responds "No I don't need help, and besides you've done nothing at all". I have done service, after service, after service, after service for him for months on end over this year. The most banal kind of things like mowing his lawn, turning his heating on, checking on his house when it had been burgled, check on the garage's progress with his car repairs and repaint job ( the repaint job span 3 months - I had to make the trip every single time almost every week in that period ). Amongst other things.
I'm at the end of my tether. I'm going to talkabout it to my psychiatrist this week, but I'm utterly bewildered.
My mum was stood there saying "Give it a rest, don't start", whilst my dad is saying the most outrageous things imaginable.
Now I'll get the customary call from my brother saying "Think about dad, he's 80; think about mum because she just fought off cancer". I'm so sick of it. I'm sat here marinating over it, constantly thinking I'm at fault. My mind is blown out.

Very sorry to hear that . As other poster says, at 80 years of age the brain is pretty much losing its best capability, although some people will stay totally ok till they are 100 plus. On that subject ,apparently Smelling Menthol has recently been shown to be very very good for people with dementia and alzheimers , increases congnitive abilities .

Don't blame yourself as you have done zero wrong, just try best to ignore it.Maybe rather than Psychiatrist why not try a Hynotherapist for relaxation and to destress ?

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